Emotional wounds - do they heal?

Post Reply New Topic

Howzit fellow Aspies,

This isn't totally related to Asperger's, but because I am a self-diagnosed Aspie (soon to be diagnosed by a professional), and I have a friend who is undoubtedly affected by my disorder in some way, I thought it was relevant.

She's had a couple of very bad experiences in her life, having left her boyfriend for some reason, and then someone she was dating online dropped her like a hot coal just before they planned to meet somewhere because he felt he wasn't ready for anything serious. She told me fairly firmly that she just wanted to stay friends with me, though she also said that I could phone, SMS or e-mail her ten times a day if I wanted to.

Now, I'm OK with that. I'm a born-again Christian and I'm open to what God wants for the two of us. Do you think there's the remotest chance that her emotional wounds could heal, and she'll open up a bit more to me? I do realise she's doing this for the good of both of us, lest one or both of us get hurt. And I do believe God can perform the impossible.

Anybody else who can relate to this, and gotten married in the bitter end? And is it a happy marriage?

Anything can happen, but I think it would be a mistake to wait for it to happen. She needs space and the best thing you can do is accept the way things are right now and just be her friend.

indeed, but of course, after a little bit of time perhapse u can continue to be friendly towrads her and maby when she is ready she may want a date?

Yes, I do believe she is a Christian. I quite agree with the other guys here that she needs space. I also believe, however, that there is also a certain amount of "space" between her and God , but yes I do pray for her a lot, and she is well aware that I'm there for her. I'd even go so far as to leave my cellphone on 24/7!! (No, I wouldn't really do that! )

Thanks guys! Let's see a few more opinions.....

Just give her some space and limit your calls to one a day or a couple texts a day. If you check in on her once in a while, she may appreciate it. By all means, dont send here thirty a day.... that can come off kinda stalky.
I can tell you from experience that love aint easy. I have been married for six years and we were on again and off again when we dated. The start was easy and laid back. In fact, we merely eased ourselves into each other's lives.
Once you start having strong feelings for someone it seems like the poo hits the fan. We went through all kinds of issues and old hurts... It was rough, and i would actually have panic attacks sometimes. Hang in there. I I know its hard to have anything else on your mind, been there too. If she chooses so, she can recover from those hurts.

Some wounds of the spirit can't be mended by even time itself. In the case of your romantic interest, however, I believe that she will come around eventually to finding a partner for herself. You just have to make sure it's you, when that stage in her life comes. Because if she finds another man whilst you were awaiting her on the sidelines, then it will be you who has emotional wounds to deal with.

It sounds like she thinks of you as "just a friend." The fact that she's had a relationship and dated (or tried to date) while she was friends with you says that she doesn't see you as boyfriend material. This is a big difference in perspective between the two of you and it isn't easy to change! To clarify it you need to ask yourself are you being friends with her because you like being friends with her or because you want to be her boyfriend? You should consider this seriously and respect the fact that she likes being "just friends" with you. She might be right! There might well be more rewards for you in being friends. She might have some ideas for example about how you could meet and date other girls! She might have some ideas about how you could present yourself as a prospective boyfriend that might be helpful, but don't ask unless you have accepted the "just friends" role forever, because she can't tell you how to act to impress her and have it work!

If you really decide that a romantic relationship is what you want with her, you might say to her "I have enough friends, what I need is something more " and ask her out! This means backing off the friendship thing, being prepared to give up her friendship. It's a risk, just as dating is a risk. You might end up with a romantic relationship that doesn't last, you might end up with nothing.

Don't just wait around for things to change.I would say make sure you are getting some friendly caring and support from her, not just being her caring friend waiting for her to bestow her affection on you in reward for your years of kindness! It doesn't work like that!