Oh god I hate everything

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I'm not complaining in rl, I don't mention it all, even to my soon-to-be autism therapist...

But I hate everything. I always have. I thought the world was the most crappy place ever since I was a kindergartener and nothing has changed about this. It's not that I can't find joy, I know lots of thing I like! I love music, writing, reading, dancing...

It's just I can't relate to people at all. So yeah. That's why I'm autistic.
But I mean it when I say: I can't relate to people at all! I think people are nice creatures overall and they can be quite funny at times, though I think cat's are much better at being nice. People are like pets.
So they're pets that can talk. Big deal. Whatever they say isn't anything close to what is going on in my head. It's a foreign language I happen to be crappy at, because it's something I had to learn in the most painful manner.

Maybe I don't know what to do with people because for the longest time of my life I didn't realise that they're real living beings like myself.

But I'm not 'autistic enough' to complain. I talk and can think. Maybe my brain is missing out something important there to understand that argument.

As a child I was nothing like I am today. I was on the boarder to being 'mute', because although I could talk, I just didn't do it. I answered to my mother's questions and something I voiced my complains and asked my mom what she was doing, but I never said more. When I was asked 'what is it?' I just stared at people - or into the air and wouldn't answer. I remember putting all my things into rows, sitting on the table drawing and staring into space a lot. And no, I wasn't unhappy, because social relationships don't make me happy.

But I'm obviously not like that anymore. I could pass of as normal if I weren't so obviously not-normal. People look at me and decide that although I look nice or something that I'm strange. Something about me is off.
Well, I'd say something is off about the rest of the world, but not me. Everyone is crappy and I don't feel as if I belonged here at all.

I have family and friends I like a lot, but I like my pets in the same manner. Maybe I'm unable to love? Because you certainly shouldn't feel the same about your mother and your cat.

It's just... why is everyone expecting me to know so much about what moves people, when I don't know. I know so much about psychology and philosophy, but that is something that helps thinking about people, it doesn't help me with my out-of-place feeling.

I'm not autistic enough to say 'I don't get it'. I'm even afraid to say this to my autism therapist. All I want is somebody explain to me how people connect to each other in their strange ways of love and friendship, because I don't get anything that involves these things.
I'm a well working, but mechanical robot that learned to be a robot and not an autistic person anymore when it was abused and broken by pet people, but it certainly never learnt anything beyond being a robot.

I wish I was a person, a real person, because I, myself, don't feel like a human being at all.

welcome to the club... Sometimes you have to just study human behavior and take cues from facial expressions... even though that doesnt account for people who are fakes or liars. I am thirty years old and i still dont get it. Some people absolutely puzzle me. Why do people lie? Why are people so mean spirited, or antagonistic?
I understand being angry and depressed at a young age. I was an unhappy kid who didnt understand why i didnt fit in like the others. someone has to be the 'weird' kid in school, and so I just learned to ride the wave and embrace it.. I also had a step mom who was social to a fault. She did help me a lot as far as manners and social cues go. I learned the routine, but i never have understood it. Sometimes the best way is to learn everything about nt's you can and just put yourself out there.

Does it feel like you were dropped from another planet as some crazy alien experiment?
You are not alone.

AS is fake, your really an alien human hybrid.
Enslave the weaker half , embrace the alien blood that courses through your veins.

"for here I am creating a New Heavens and a new Earth"

Maybe you where not meant for the Earth is it is now, but the Earth when God rules it and the meek will inherit the Earth and look after animals like we where created to do.

Well you did pose your subject heading to god didnt you.

Maybe you're tired of the problems with communicating with NT-land to the point that even the things you like aren't enough to compensate. That's what good, old-fashioned frustration will do for you after a while. Can you change your routine for a day or a weekend to do only things you like? Call it a mini-vacation.

what i coisidence i was about to post a rant about how i hate everything but stopped because it just sounded f*****g stupid i have few gifts and communication and expression are not among them

sometimes i can keep afloat of my emotions but every time i go under im further out at sea the anger and hate is stronger deeper inside of me every time i hit the bottom my sadness weighs down harder on me ....... i cant control where i go its like there is an automatic set of reactions or responses that i use an rarely have anything to do with what i feel ........... the feeling itself is an input and leads to another way of dealing with the situation more words i dont mean more s**t stacked over my head

there you go thats why i dont try and explain myself

but to the thread starter: it seems that an almost universal part of autism hell of humanity is that we feel like anyone else or like they seem to be ... or like anyone could understand us what we truly are

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We were not supposed to tell the truth about that yet. We have to wait till they fully mature.

Your view of the world is correct. Humans can make good pets. Cats do not go out and bring home a paycheck. The most I ever got from them was one who left mouse heads on the step.

If you felt human you would become one, and that would be dreadful.

Humans are made to function in groups, look how many they stuff into phone booths and VWs. That was spliced in from sardiens. See them march in tight formation with fixed bayonets, now imagine a thousand aspies doing the same, blood everywhere.

The plan is working, just get your education. The countdown grows short.

Humans in groups remain involved, but one alone they become pets that will do anything. Submission to the group is only the wild form. Alone you will find they are conditioned to submit to whoever is there.

You're "autistic enough", you're just not "dumb enough" to not care. That's your problem; your connection to humanity is completely disconnected, you're just "smart enough" to realize that, 'hey, the grass may be greener on their side!' It's not greener, it sucks just as much as your side. It's "different", but it still sucks.

"Shark out of water" is the correct term.

(I think I've got it recorded in my psychiatric records that if I did indeed have a super weapon that would shatter the universe with a press of that big red button (I didn't want to kill a portion, I'd like to be as unbiased as possible and turn all grass to...nothing), I would have done it then. I wouldn’t do it now because I've found a connection.)

I hope things get better for you soon.
You wrote a lot of words btw; maybe you dont hate writing ao much, that's another thing along with your family, friends and pets.