Sense of Loss

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Not really depressed, but feeling a little down. Here's the situation. I had gotten rather estranged from my father as a child, because of him and my mother divorcing. He was rather abusive to her, but she wasn't exactly the model mom, either. Anyway, she spent most of my childhood trashing him whenever she could. I and my siblings, grew up mistrusting and avoiding him. Now, in my loneliness, I've started to reach out to him, and slowly, we have started off on an entirely different perspective. I am finding that he genuinely loves me and cares about me. I've started calling him every Sunday. I am in my forties, and he is nearly in his eighties. Tonight, he wanted to inform me of his final arrangements. I've been feeling a sense of loss and regret all evening, because I lost so much time with him. He lives too far away for me to visit. We all know that our parents will die someday, but right now this is hard to take.

My dear Hartz

Let me tell you of the other side. I was divorced, very bad marriage a long time ago. I tried hard to be on friendly terms with my ex. She used the kids as pawns in some form of horrible mental game, some kind of revenge on me. She is and was a very bitter woman and I have come to understand mentally ill. I was no saint at the time either. She abused the children and brainwashed them, unknown to myself or my parents. She had moved across country.

My children and I are estranged and probably will always be. But not before I got to meet with my middle daughter. Even though her mother lead all of us to believe she was biologically mine (I have no sense of time and thought it might be possible), she is not. My daughter discovered this on her own and I had figured it out years before. But to me it just didn't matter, she is and always has been my daughter.

When we did have a chance to meet after she had grown, it was wonderful. I can't tell you what it was like, for even as brief as it was. That even though I'm older now, just those brief moments, a matter of a few months mean the world to me. True, I can't make up for the time lost, but you know... it doesn't matter either. It's funny how living in the moment, being together, if but brief can reaffirm those bonds. That as bad as life tried to rip us apart, if but for a while it didn't matter. She and I are estranged again, the abuse her mother put into her has won for now, but someday I hope to get her into counseling and help her get over the trauma and perhaps get to meet her again.

What you have means a lot to your Dad, trust me. That it has happened even late in life means a lot to him. If the worse were to happen to him tomorrow, rest easy. It's all good, it really is. I know what it's like from your Dad's point of view. I'm so pleased to know it has happened in your life.

That meant a lot to me, Postie. Even though I have a sense that it is, however brief, good, my mother, like your ex-wife, is mentally ill and has done a lot of damage. I have siblings that to this day will react with disgust if one even mentions my father. In counseling, all sorts of memories have come up of kind and loving things he did for his children, even when my mother wouldn't allow him visits. He wasn't any angel, mind you, but he never bullsh***d us about anything. If he said something, he meant it. My mother was just plain mentally unstable.

But what you said makes me feel a lot easier about this. I will always be glad that my father and I had this time in our lives.

My story is similar except my dad is as nutty and manipulative as my mum, however my Dad tended to avoid hate mongering, though he had his own more subtle ways...
Kia kaha cuz', peace j

I think it is wonderful and admirable that you re-established contact, to be honest. My brother has not had contact with my father for a decade or so, due to the fact he went off with a young woman and left my mother in a rather verbally cruel way. I suppose with me, and perhaps with you, the consideration has to be...how will I feel if this person dies and then I never get the chance to try and resolve our differences?

Of course it will give you a sense of loss, but you cannot change it.
The best you can do is make every moment you speak to him and spend with him now a moment to remember...create good memories for that time when he is not here.