Not doing too well.

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My anxiety is acting up again. With it comes my fear of not being good enough. People say that you should learn to be satisfied with yourself. Satisfied? I'll never be satisfied with anything less than perfection. But I'll never achieve that, because even if I do get to that point, I'll just shift the goalposts again.
If I can't be satisfied with myself, where does that leave me? In a constant state of not-good-enough. So I can either
: become perfect
: lower my standards
: kill myself
Last night, I stayed awake hoping that there was a god and that he loved me enough to say "it's ok, you don't have to do it anymore. You can rest now, " and to take me away from everything. This morning, I'm still here, still exhausted beyond belief, still struggling, still not sure if all this effort is worth it.
Every time I do something wrong, say something wrong, I wait for the universe to crash down on my head. It's paralyzing. I haven't composed anything in weeks- if it doesn't come out right the first time, it's not good enough.
Not good enough- the constant refrain in my head.
I'm tired, I'm bored with life, I'm, I'm...
I don't have the right words. I want a break.

Actually, there is a God who says you don't have to be perfect (because you can't) and that you can rest now. If you can accept this, Jesus said that he would take on your burden of trying and not achieving and give you rest. He is perfect and He gives you his perfection in exchange for your futile striving. That is what we Christians believe the crucifixion was all about.
I understand there is great divergence of thought about this, but I understand your exhaustion and I am responding the only way I know how to. I love my Saviour, and wish everybody knew Him. I do not thereby mean to criticize you or anyone else with other advice.

I'm more relaxed about that looking for perfection in myself. It isn't there and I am more at ease knowing it.

However... I can be very anal retentive in certain things and that little trait of looking for perfection I have used in certain job settings. One was pointed out to me by another. He had it too. He said you know, there are advantages to being anal retentive, it works out well in Archaeology, where measurements, keeping walls straight and field notes, that it comes in very handy. Perfection? No you aren't given the luxury of time to get it perfect perfect, you learn to settle for perfect and then learn to get it better later. There is a joke in there someplace. But it's very true.

The sciences lend themselves to sticking to the methodology and the better you can do the methodology, the better your end results. I'm not science and I can live with that.

I'll second that.

Who_am_I, I know what you mean. I also don't like anything less than perfect, but, since perfection is impossible, you have to settle with realistic standards. Do the best you can, which might even near perfect.

Take a day or two off. Read a book, listen to music, put a 1000-piece puzzle together, whatever you like to do to relax.

I relate to what you are saying and have suffered the same pain, and lived through it.

I know there is no answer for you at the moment because there wasn't for me when I felt like this, but I think it is 'the fear of not being good enough' that is the key and finding out that the results of not being perfect are nowhere as bad as the actual fear. It wasn't until I broke down after years of stress that I found the world still kept turning, I still had options and life was still worth living even with my 'failure' and that I could be freed of this.

I have mellowed with age/experience and am not so hard on myself these days, largely by gaining greater perspective of what others achieve and believe is good/acceptable. I've learnt to not expect so much of myself every single time and now can enjoy the times that I do really well because I have the contrast with the times it goes a bit wrong.

Keep breathing and know you are not alone in this.