Ana54's Starbuline-induced MELTDOWN!

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Starb, I can be very loving, caring, friendly, happy, concerned, helpful, nice, cheerful, sweet, cute, joyful, lively, interesting, sociable, understanding and manic.


I can also be mean, annoying, nasty, harsh, hostile, evil, loathsome, despisable, detestable, despicable, disgusting and disgusted, derisive, disdainful, depressive and depressed and depressing. I was so mad at you. Before, I mean. I wanted to kill you. I looked up zOMG on the WhoIs and got an address... I didn't know what it was, but I thought, "Maybe I'll go over there and scare the s**t out of her." But I have a life. I have better things to do. And I can't go to prison. I wouldn't be able to handle it; I'm already so depressed. So I didn't. I have friends and I'd rather visit them. So I put killing you out fo my mind. I was going to tell you, "You think you're mean? I'm meaner. You think you're sick? I'm sicker. You think I'm nasty? I'm nastier. I can kill. I've planned it before and come so close to doing it. And I've planned torture, and come so close to doing it." But I know better. At least now I do. I have major depression issues. I know you're a proud person, but can I please say you probably have them too?


I'm a wimp, but I'm not a coward. I therefore admit that my narcissism is indomitable, irrepressible, irresponsible, uncontrollable, unrestrained, unmedicated, uncensored, untreated, unmoderated, unmediated, indescriminate, undisciplined, undiluted.


Starbuline, you remind me of me.


I was a troll and a hacker, 3 years ago. I had depression issues, and anger issues, though I'd rather have eaten s**t than admitted it. When someone suggested I take anti-d's, I was so insulted, and I was so scared, because I thought someone might force me to take them, and I didn't trust what was in them. But years passed, and then I really needed them. And I saw a shrink, and he was a human being too, and we talked. I was too arrogant to come to WP earlier too; I thought I was better than those "dysfunctional, pathetic, disabled, impaired" people. But then I came here. Because people rejected me everywhere else. And I knew these people here wouldn't. Part of me always knew they were people too.


I was so scared before that I would lose my friends here. MADDuck told me, "I coverd your ass." Not "I stuck up for you." "I covered your ass" means "You f****d up, and I saved your face, and you'd better be grateful." "I stuck up for you" means "It wasn't your fault, and I defended you because you truly deserved it." Pfffft, I thought. But then the next day, I came in and all was better than fine; all these people whom I thought wanted me banned were actually defending me.


I was a troll and a hacker at MystCommunity.com and the whole Myst community. I felt that I'd been there for almost two years, and I should have more friends than I did-- but I only had a few. I felt ignored. And I craved attention, and I got it. I had a board just like you did, Starb. You have zOMG, and you talk about WankPlanet. I had The Incinerator, and I talked about "PystCalamity". I would do anything to save my face. I made ecvery excuse for my behavior that I could think of. To this day, the admins still hate my guts and complain about my sometimes. I ask you not to do what I did. I ask you to save your ass.


I love WP. I love Icarus_Falling. I love Syzygyish. I love username88. I love MADDuck. I love bigbang and Anubis and Brittany and WhiteRaven and my other PM buddies, and all the others who defended me in the threads about me. I love Alex for starting this site. I love the zOMG Aspies, but I hate what you say, and I hate what you do.



I have a dilemma here. I could swallow the s**t that's being forced down my throat, and bear the pain, or I could throw it up and bear the shame. I choose to save my ass rather than my face, and throw it up, because it will poison me if I keep it down.


Forums have never been my thing. I've never had much success on forums, as I already told you. I had to resort to extremism to get the atterntion, love and respect I felt I deserved, or rather, not deserved, but CRAVED and NEEDED. I know it's a need and not a want. I've been there. I should know how you feel and how you operate, but I changed since then, and I wish I culd remember what it felt like, but I forget. But maybe it's a "Starb is still Starb and Ana is still Ana" sort of thing, and mahybe that's the bottom line.

I wanted peace. I wanted us to be a truly clsoe communtiy-- that's why I started all the threads-- and wanting it all right away was perhaps my mistake. This is for if you really are annoyed with me starting so many threads. I thought we'd be so close-knit, like a gang, a family. I anted us all to truly get each other, on an individual basis. That's why I posted so much. I wanted to know everything about everyone, and I wanted everyone to know everything about me.


I want us all to get along. We're all Aspies. We should know better than our NT peers. We should know that we're a minority group, as a result we're at risk, and we need to pull together against the nasty NT world.


I know you're all going to talk about how stupid, narcissistic, immature, whiny, wimpy, spoiled, petty, arrogant, weak and impressionable, attention-whoring and bratty I am, and I'm for freedom of speecdh and freedom of the press, but reading that and hearing others talk about it really kills me, and that's why I'm hoping we can be okay with each other.


And I'm really sorry about Kingcrimson. I KNOW I never talked to him, but he's an Aspie, or was, and he died, and he was depressed, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish it on Osama bin Laden. I don't want it to happen to you.


Oh, and I want to ask how you thought I was a b***h, because I was never a b***h to anyone in the most straightforward sense... you said that BEFORE I spammed zOMG.


You were banned before I became really annoying with my threads, so why did you care? Because you want to be back. Because you were posting under other names. And why do you want to stay on WP? For the same reason I kept registring on MystCommunity after I was banned-- I was a lonely, deprived, depraved depressivewho was too proud to accept anything for it.

thats a big text

Hell's bells, you aiming for a novel, Ana?
You scare me sometimes with the things you say.
I mean, I wish death on people when I am in a full fledged anger attack, but I would never in reality want people to die, let alone be capable of killing...

As to Starbuline. I think you will find this thread locked as we aren't supposed to talk of other members/ex members.
But I have my own thoughts.

is everyone round here a cock?

I don't think so any more. I know better now. I thought people on WP were really impaired and all that, but now I know better.

I jsut had to get that out! If I hadn't been feeling so depressed I probably wouldn't have posted it, at least not now!


UN88, you made my day!

Oh, Graelwyn, anger attacks can last for a long time, and they can be off and on.

TL;DR

Call the police. I'm calling Oprah

Ana, you don't seem to be such a mess to me. We are the way we are, and you seem to have a substantial amount of self-awareness goin' on. Nevertheless, if you have a problem with another member, please take it up with them privately. If you feel the need to vent in the haven, please do so without mentioning anyone by name. Thanks.

Hmm. You seem pretty normal, if somewhat pent up with anger and aggression. I've learned to control any nasty thoughts, but when I get angry, I get really angry. And that's rare.

Extreme anger, not really a problem. But I'd be cautious. Definitely not worth ruining your own life(and maybe someone else's) over relatively trivial things, and I always remember that. I have aspirations and I want them to come true, not be screwed up forever because I couldn't control my anger.