I don't know who I am anymore

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I feel like I am d****d if I do and d****d if I don't. I tried for years to be normal and now I am so angry because all of my efforts resulted in very little gain for a lot of emotional pain. I have made some friends and that's great, but I feel like there is a person inside of me that wants to express herself but feels trapped. I am not a stupid person but my brain just feels numb. It feels the same way my feet feel if they fall asleep or if I fall asleep on my hands and I wake up and they feel numb. I feel like I am too weird for NT's but have lost a sense of uniqueness and I am so angry. In trying so hard to be "normal" I feel like I have not developed myself to the extent that I should have. I mean intellectually for example. I alternate between feeling utter despair and feeling such a rage that it scares me. I want to be more than just a watered down version of my real self that I have become. I feel like people would hate me if they really knew me. I don't have the luxury of thumbing my nose at every social convention since then I'd lose my job. I feel like such a fake. I'm 37 and didn't find out about AS/autism spectrum until relatively recently. I really am making an effort to just "be myself" but I just don't know who I am anymore. How can I find myself again?

Here's what I would do:

1. Think about what I like to do, or where I want to be--without caring what someone else thinks, or what "society" thinks.

2. Figure out where I am comfortable. This applies to both geographical location and state of mind.

3. Figure out what social settings I am comfortable in, or can pleasantly envision myself being in, if there are indeed any that fit me.

I can't really think of anything else right now, but if I come up with more stuff, I'll make another post.

Tim

I'm so glad you posted this because you just described almost exactly how I've been feeling lately.

Remember that everyone, including NTs, put on different masks for the groups they interact with. A thick one for work, a less thick one for friends, a thin one for family. The mask is not a fake view of you, it's a restricted view to fit the situation. Instead of trying to become someone you're not for other people, learn to wear masks and know they are masks. It's not dishonest, it's a way to give them what they need while keeping the rest of you intact.

You don't have to drop who you are, just don't share all of it with everyone. Share what each can handle and hold the rest for later. When they're not around, relax and be yourself.

I like this.

You can only change the way you view yourself... not the other people's view.

It does suck to feel like 'no one' will ever accept you, but as long as you don't become comfortable with who you are and what you cannot change about yourself, it might be hard to be someone other people can feel comfortable around.
How you feel about yourself will reflect out to others around you.

WP is a good place to start to understand how 'right' you are.

Hmmm, I just read your post over again.
Once again I think I went off topic