Tainted..

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..from sexual abuse.
Does it ever go away? Feeling so awful, so full of dirt and hate and pain?
Is there some way to just feel okay, without drugs or razorblades?
Or is it just totally impossible. Is it just to give up on having an okay life because of something that happend 10 years ago?
Was it my fault even if I was 4 and 5 years old? Am I still that person I was when it happend, am I still as stupid or have I changed?
Why didn't I run away, was I a slut? Would other children have run away am I horrible because I didn't?
And why did I ever tell anyone about this, if I would just have left it unspoken it would have been alot easier to pretend it never happend or convince myself it never happend or forget about it again.

It wasn't your fault.

Don't let em win by your using drugs or razor blades.

There WILL ALWAYS be sickos about-avoid them and hold on to what is right.

You really couldn't have helped it. You were preyed on because you couldn't.

NO it was absolutely not your fault at all! Whoever did that to you was preying on an innocent child and as Aspies or Auties we are especially vulnerable.
I urge you to seek professional counseling if you are not doing so already and a support group of survivors of abuse so that you know you are not alone.

But I can't stop cutting myself. It has turned into an addiction and I get suicidal if I stay away from it for 3-5 days...
I know I've been told several times it wasn't my fault but it still feels like it was my fault..
I'll problably always wonder if I could have done something different, been different, wore different clothes or talked more or been more careful - perhaps they wouldn't have wanted to f**k me then....... But I wasn't thinking at all when i was a child. I never though "oh now I'm alone in a room with a guy again I better run" instead I tought like this " oh now I'm alone in a room with a guy again I better be quiet and sit real still and perhaps he won't notice me"...
Even my friends would do it to me sometimes.......... And they were of my age! I could have beaten them up since I must have been just as stong as them... But I didn't! I never said a word!

Are you seeing a counselor or a therapist?

But why me? There must have been something I did to make them want to do it to me, something stupid.
I don't know if I was more vulnerable cause I'm an Aspie......
I live at a mental hospital, so I guess I get pro help.... But I never get to talk about the sexuall abuse, they just talk to me about AS, and that's not some tramatic thing that hurts very much but I guess they find it alot more intresting or something
Also I'm getting out of the mental hospital soon, and I don't feel happier, but I won't tell them that then they might just not let me out.

As if AS is a reason to be in a mental hospital. I am guessing you are there because of a suicide attempt, and you are depressed because of the crap you have had to put up with... like you probably have PTSD. So the AS is irrelevant. I mean a lot of us see counselors for depression or help in social skills or whatever...but then that is the thing, not necessarily the AS itself.
I offer you my compassion and hope your life gets much better!!

Yes I am there cause they thought the risk of me killing myself was very high.... And since I got locked up I tried killing myself 3 times, once by hanging and the personnel grabbed me and pushed me to the floor, twice by swallowing peices of glass.
Yes I have PTSD. One of my shrinks told me so, sadly I don't know much about what it is more than that you get it from some traumatic experience or stress under a longer time.
Thank you for writing

How could it be your fault? You were just a baby!

Maybe you could get into a self defense class and bring some empowerment back to yourself.

I hope you feel better soon.

No way that something like that, at that age, with an adult present, could possibly be your fault.

You do not need to be punished.

You are not unclean/tainted.

You need to stop both the outside and the inside hurt but will need to get help to do it.

Perhaps someone on WP can recommend someone near your area?

i feel unclean. i think everyone would have....
but i feel like becomming pure and clean when i cut myself. somehow the pain kills the dirt. i know it sounds weird, and its problably just an imagination but id like to stick to it sense i feel better then...
well, i live in sweden, and i guess most people here is in the us or england...

Im sure there are people here from sweden somewhere.

I can understand why you feel tainted and why the cutting feels better.

But you are NOT the same person anymore that you were when you were 5. As people age we are whole, new selves. We have new beginnings. You are older now and are not the same. The past sounds so painful for you that you cannot see you are not that child. As a child, you have little inkling of right and wrong, you have little ability to say no. But that's the thing. You were just a baby. You're judgment was not the same. You were helpless and innocent.

You are a powerful person, and you deserve to feel that NO ONE will hurt you, physically or mentally ever again. This person who did that to you, THEY deserve to feel all your guilt and hurt. But you, you are absolved from it, you didnt do anything wrong.

That adult needed to be an adult.

You're right. Pain does kill the dirt.

It mostly kills it because you feel like you're cutting out your guilt and because it causes you to focus on other things.

Pain is a way but it's not the best way. It's not good for you in the long term and one day you'll wish you hadn't cut yourself. I know that sometimes doctors or shrinks or (-gasp- social workers) don't help at all. There's good ones and bad ones - there are ones that are right for other people and there are ones that are right for you. You'll have to find the right one.

It might also be worth trying to find a group of similar people in Sweden. There will be groups because monsters are real and they walk among us. Their victims are real too. Talking to a group might help you to clean the dirt without needing to cut.

sex is totally natural. while ive never been sexually abused, i know what its like to be physically & mentally abused and it sucks!
have you tried hypnosis? i know it sounds silly but it might work

You need to find a therapist who specializes in people who have been sexually abused. There are many of them out there. They can help you with your particular problems. I know you can find help.

first of all, it wasnt your fault. you were just a little kid. asides from the lack of mature judgement, the persons who abused you were much stronger than you. and the mental breakdown of abuse can render even the strongest man helpless.

those people who abused you were sick, and should be dragged to a field and shot. they are the most worthless carcasses ever to walk this earth. what they did can never be forgiven. but time will pass. you will never fully heal, but you will get awfully close.

i think you need to talk with the people at the mental hospital you're in. tell them that you have been abused as a child, and thats the main reason for your suicide attempts. tell them everything. they only want to help you. dont give up. you have my support

sincerely yours, and best of luck
chris