What the hell is wrong with me?

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I thought a lack of empathy was a common AS trait, but after reading posts on this site, I feel like I am alone in this way, or just have it stronger than everyone else.
Its like I am hollow inside, but slightly more evil than empty.
Like if somebody who posts here died, most of you would be like, sad or whatever (as you can see, I don't relate very well), but I couldn't care less.
If somebody killed them self, that is where the "more evil than empty" part comes in, for not only would I not be sad at all, but I would feel as if they deserved to die for not appreciating life and being weak and cowardly enough to consider it.
I am almost glad they did it, and I would be proud if I was the one to drive them to do it.
How f**ked up does that sound??
I have yet to feel any sort of sadness over a human dying in my whole life, and I only ever give a damn at all if it inconveniences me in some way.
When I hear other people talk about their problems, they always sound so weak and pathetic to me, so my natural advice would be "get over it, pansy", and I have to try hard to refrain from saying that.
Those are only a few examples that I could think of right now, but I know the list goes on and on. I just have a tendency to hate people, I fantasize of global chaos and destruction and death, I feel like I have the mind of a serial killer sometimes (justifying killing people, having little to no regard for human life).
I really hope nobody will be pissed at me now, knowing how I really feel.
I probably sound like a monster, but I don't know why I am like this, and I feel like I am the only one.
Feeling nothing while others are sad scares me. I know I should feel something, anything at all, even anger or happiness, but theres nothing.
I don't think I am a dangerous person, but sometimes I freak myself out.
Can anyone else here relate to me at all? Or am I just the most soulless, evil, heartless monster on wrongplanet?

I can relate somewhat. I do not even get sad when people in my family die and I'm not usually good at empathy.

When I was 35 a friend of mine died of injuries froma car accident. He was a year older than me. He was the first of many people I know who will die, as I anticipate living to be 100. If he had not been obese the doctors might have detected the internal injuries. I was not very moved. People I know are going to die. He was just the first.

I was upset about the recent news. She said to me once, "I know you don't like me." My response was "I don't know you well enough to from an opinion about whether or not I like you. I care about everyone at WP." I was upset because I'm emotionally invested in the well-being of our members. This is the way I express love. Everybody needs somebody or something to love.

If you are not moved by recent events, then I believe it is because you are not emotionally invested in such things. Some people who are never upset by anything loose their composure when they see a dead cat in the road. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You're just wired up a little different, invested a little differently, just like all of us.

Maybe the problem is that I don't get an emotional connection with people.
The only thing that has ever died that truly made me sad was when my dog died early this year.
It was the first time I cried in like 10 years. He was my best friend since I was 6, I was closer to him than with any humans for some reason. I feel like when he died, so did the last shred of my soul, I will never care about another living creature, the last thing that made me human is now gone.
Close relatives have died and I didn't feel any sadness. The last funeral I went to was like 3 years ago when my aunt died of cancer, the church was packed with people who knew her, I was the only one in the damn building who didn't shed a single tear, and that includes the priest!
I spent most of the time singing in my head and looking around for cute girls.
But its possible my problem is not being cold and heartless, but not having any emotional connection with other humans. Still though, shouldn't I feel just a little bit sad when somebody dies?

People die everyday. It doesn't bother most of us. We're not invested in most people. I think that if you think about it, there are things that you care about, things which it would upset you to lose.

Maybe my Iguana. But hes not a human.
He tries to kill me if I touch him, but I still care more about him than any human.
Maybe I would be sad if my parents or sister or grandparents died, but right now all I can think of is how it would inconvenience my life, so I can't say for sure.

Do you want empathy?

Or is it just that you feel strange for not having it?



I think whether or not this is a problem depends on what your values are. . .

I worked to develop empathy because I wanted to understand people. It has really helped. . .


Of course, it would seem that I've always been excesively emotional. . .

But the death of a beloved pet would still bother me more than that of. . .say, an aunt I didn't particularly know or like.

I guess I have always considered empathy a weakness, maybe if nobody else had it I would feel fine.
But I just get scared sometimes, like I am the only one, like there is something wrong with me.
I feel like the law is the only thing stopping me from killing somebody because they looked at me funny, s**t like that.
I wish this was the only moral dilemma I faced everyday, I get the same exact fear of whether or not I am capable of something else, but I don't want to get into that, its a whole other huge topic. My point is, I fear I am capable of many terrible things. I know I wouldn't do them, I tell myself that, but I run the logic through my brain and the only thing I can find that is holding me back is getting caught.

Well. .

What are your values?

You value other people enough to consider those things to be terrible. . . that's something. . .

I find value in empathy because I like understanding things. . . and because it seems very useful in working some things out- internally and interpersonally. I don't see it as a weakness in myself because it's so useful in my life. Yes, it stops me from, say, killing people, but the ability to do that isn't exactly a priority for me. .


Of course, those are my values- an amalgam of what I am and what I've chosen. . . and will almost certainly be different from yours. .

Well I know right from wrong, but I tend to have a way to justify the wrong when it comes to some things, but I also justify the right pretty easily.
My mind keeps wandering to the other thing that I struggle with in my head, as far as the topic of whether or not I am capable of doing something goes.
The other thing is different because I don't have strong urges to kill people like I do with the other thing.
The some point goes for both of them though, if I was sure I could get away with it, would I?
It seems like when it comes to that question, what is best for the other person is the last thing I think of, if I think of it at all.
I guess if I thought about it enough, I'd realize that it doesn't just affect one human but everyone they know as well, so maybe I would think its not worth it and then not do it. Maybe I wouldn't think that at all and do it anyway.

The human population is actually growing faster at a time when it needs to back off and work on solutions to cleaning up the mess that we've made. The quality of the life that we hand down is critical or there's no point.

It is natural to have more empathy for those who are of a different species. People can only rarely be as open with each other as they can with dogs or lions or other pets.

So you're capable of identifying the prevailing value system- of what is "right" and what is "wrong"- but not capable of identifying with it.

this does not seem unreasonable to me. .


but you haven't answered the question-

What is your value system?


To give you some idea- here's a taste of my value system-

Some things are so distasteful to me that I think I'd rather die, or sustain great damage to myself, than participate in them. I'm not entirely sure of that, but I think it not unlikely that I would actually choose to die before, say, allowing harm to come to my sister's kids, to whom I'm very attached. Murder is probably one of those things so distasteful to me that I would not engage in it, but as mentioned, I'm not entirely sure.

Barring those instances, the most important thing to me is my own functionality- my ability to live a decent life. This means more than a fast food working, rent paying existence. I would break many laws, social and governmental, to preserve this for myself- if it were, as far as I could tell, really necessary.

I am not precisely sure what this "decent life" for myself entails, but as far as I've been able to figure out, it seems to be pretty much two things-
a) basic necessities- not starving to death or freezing, or otherwise dying faster than the passage of time would implicitly entail
and
b) hope- the ability, via time and other resources, to make some substantial measure of progress on other projects that are of value to me- other things that I would like to get done in my life.

This second one, obviously, is highly variable based on circumstances, including but not limited to what I happen to be working on at the time.

After this come various projects which I hope to accomplish.


The welfare of other human beings figures highly in my value system for two reasons, neither of which is that someone else told me it should.

Firstly, it is useful, to both of my "decent life" criterion. The second one especially- I become very depressed and a lot less functional without meaningful interaction. . I think I could support myself well enough to not die without looking after other people. ..

Secondly, one of my primary projects is to create, as far as I am able, a change in the world with my life- to bring it as much closer as I can to being the kind of world I would want to live in. So far as I can tell, connecting with and believing in other people is essential to this goal- so I have cultivated it extensively.


And so it is that I care a great deal about people. . .
But it is because of the values I hold. . .

I couldn't ask and wouldn't try to persuade another to care about people if they didn't happen to have those values in common with me, or other values that would reasonably yeild some common results.

So I ask again-

What is your value system?

Eh, that was a lot of writing, so I'll just answer the question.
I'm not sure what the f**k my values are.
I mean, whatever they are, there is probably a lot of them right?
But I definitely know of one of them. I bet a lot of people on here would know what I was talking about if they read like half of the s**t I've posted on here, but I don't feel like bringing it up directly right now.
Lets just say this value is stealing, I am strongly opposed to stealing for many reasons and I like to tell myself that I would never do it. The problem is, I dream about stealing every night, fantasize about it all day, I think about it and am reminded of it seemingly everywhere I go, I can't get stealing off my mind. I have powerful urges to steal s**t, but I know its wrong and I am so opposed to it and s**t, so not stealing is making me unhappy in life and wanting to steal is making me even more unhappy, and considering how I feel about it while wanting to do it makes me unhappiest of all. I feel like if I finally give in and steal something, my life wouldn't be so miserable anymore.
So I sometimes fear whether I am capable of stealing or not, and I try to think about how my stealing would negatively affect others, but with my lack of empathy, I also fear that someday I will stop considering how the person I am stealing from would feel and I will only think of myself. When, in my mind, I am the only one effected by the outcome of my stealing, not even the law could hold me back.
Perhaps I am just thinking about this all too much and I should keep playing videogames so I won't think about it anymore.

It is sad to think of it as being willing to die before hurting someone. This turns your reality inside out. If you treat yourself as if you may some day have to choose to kill yourself to prevent yourself from hurting others, that gives you a horrible idea of who you are. It completely misses the good that you can do. What would you do, as in providing money, food, or education, for your sister's kids? Do you realize just how much the positive has been eliminated from our lives? People hate to learn things, resent being given money and food, and won't work to better themselves. Some of us have thrown up our hands and get tired of getting kicked in the teeth or yanked around. I know that individual independence is valuable, but once again, "rather die"? Don't offer the world that option. Say "I will live."

I'm sorry that I didn't reply to this post earlier, I've only just seen it now.

If I may venture an opinon, and please be aware that I am neither a psychologist nor psychiatrist, but I would like to offer my view.

Is there a possibility that you are, in fact, very sensitive and emotionally empathetic and have at some stage, perhaps very early on in life, simply shut down in order to cope with pain?

I know that for myself, I am extremely sensitive to other people's emotions, especially pain. Often, I'm not sure why I suddenly feel sad, until I realise someone has entered into the room who is in pain. It is very difficult to cope when feeling other people's emotions strongly, and all the more confusing when they mask these emotions with a different surface appearance.

I'm wondering if the real you is like this too, but it was too much, too overwhelming, so you shut it all off at some stage?

My long term memory is crap, but I don't remember ever caring about other people much.
But I shouldn't count on my childhood memories for s**t, as I have so few of them and they are all bad ones.