stuck

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I want to ask for help, but I don't know how to because I don't know what I need or what I want. I don't believe anyone can help me. I don't know where to start. My thoughts have no borders, they all mass into one unmanageable sphere. I can't express things to myself, let alone to others. I don't understand what I mean by that. Express to myself? I'm confused. I can't move. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by this. I know I'm using a start/stop writing (typing?) structure, no doubt irritating to read. I would be irritated by it. I don't know why I'm doing this/that. But I am. Do I opt for the abstract, the literal. I think I might have something profound to say about how there is little difference between the two. But probably not. I can't find out, I can't access that, it's locked or something. Who knows? I'm blind to that/it.

I just noticed, nearly all my sentences begin with I. I'm the only one here aren't I? Now they're ending in I.

Every morning I'm reset to the lowest rung. Morning -> can't think, just cold, tired, ill, phlegmy. (can't diagnose latter, doesn't fit with sinusitis, hospital visit, fruitless, ear, nose & throat doctor = clueless, same with all problems, no one really has a clue about anything) Evening/night -> too many thoughts to process, sudden influx of energy. No longer cold. Paralysed by too much input. Middle of the day -> good balance between the two? nope. somehow not. guess change must be sudden. transition varies. no real correlation, no link.

This is just another info dump. These never go anywhere. Temporary relief, solves nothing long term. Probably slows progress, or it might if there were progress to slow. I detect none.

I keep going back, inserting more info, communication bloated. That won't help comprehension. Can't do it any other way. Why not? *shrugs*

I sit here, tapping my foot at speed. Staring into the monitor, music playing in my mind. Otherwise empty, devoid. Can't think, mind paralysed. Overloaded? Dunno, if I am I'm too overloaded to work it out. I guess. But this is constant, all waking hours. Didn't used to be like this did it? Doubt it. But memory fails me, as usual.

Can't communicate. Given up on usual simple exchange of views. Misinterpretations abound, so matters not. Never make progress. Running in circles, space/time tearing, running into self. Would say, sick of it, but sick of it since beginning, so trapped, can't change anything.

Psyche collapsing, but just as sane as ever. Why do I feel like I'm going mad? Logically, still more sane and rational than the majority of people. Don't know what to do.

Maybe you need to rest? By rest I don't mean sleep but rather try to relax and stop thinking too hard. Try to do something you enjoy? I think I have had this feeling before and I found it helpful to take a rest and then concentrate on what i need to another day. You might be batter able to write what you wanted to after taking a break?

Usually if I have a feeling like this it means I am overloaded and tired and stressed and even depressed.

I dont know if i am saying anything to help you.

That sounds exactly like how I've been lately. I'd take a break as some would suggest, but how can I if this IS the break. And rest ends up as just another opportunity for the exact same cycle of thoughts.

Don't mind me, just musing.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm not sure I can take a break, since I'm doing nothing at the moment. I spend all day sitting around doing naff all, I struggle to comprehend how I can take a break from doing nothing. I guess you gotta go with the opposite and do as much as possible, but I've tried that. I can only do as my mood dictates and I don't have control over that, doing stuff just seems to serve as a distraction from the fact that I'm not really getting anywhere in life. I want to do stuff that I enjoy, but I don't really enjoy anything. Sometimes I do, but once again, I have no control over that, it's purely based on my mood and I can't even seem to understand which mood works best with which acitivity. My mood can change very abruptly, but I never really act on my feelings, like most with AS I'm not spontaneous, everything's just happening in the mind and none of it ever really translates to anything outside of that. I can't really understand my feelings, as I'm sure a lot of people here struggle with this sort of thing. Happy, sad, angry, my mood never seems to fit into a simple category, it's just a confusing mess. I cant tell people how I feel.

About relaxing, I just can't seem to get my head around that concept. I remember, last year, when I was seeing a...well, not exactly a counselor, but close enough. She asked me to think of a situation from my past in which I felt relaxed. Nothing came to mind. Makes me wonder if I've ever actually felt relaxed, or perhaps I just don't have a very good understanding of what it means to be relaxed, or maybe my memory just sucks, or perhaps every time I try to 'relax' I end up feeling bored and under stimulated.

My situation has been consisent for at least 5 years I'd say (but my memory again fails, so that's an estimate, I can't remember 'feelings' very well), so don't think this is a mood swing or anything. Hence the title, 'stuck.'

I seem to just shove as much as I can grab from my mind into my post and then wait for the questions to come. That allows me to deliver more relevant info based on those. With that in mind I'm hoping this discussion might get somewhere, unlike all that have gone before it. (by that I mean all involving me, concerning this subject. not 'ALL' all. I'd like to think that some people's discussions have been useful)