Someone taught me something I've missed for 18 years X(

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About how I always seem to make conversations be about me all the time... and people can't keep track with a conversation with me because it's something that has nothing to do with them when I talk about stuff I'm doing and that...

This guy has known me for over a year and tells me every conversation I have with him has been mainly about me.
He says this is why I ain't getting girls and that - he says he thinks I'm cool, and that I look cool, but what I say is not social etiquette.

And that it's all about common ground and nothing different - and if you don't have anything to say about the common ground then you don't need to say anything.

I've missed this for 18 years of my life.
If this doesn't make entire sense or is obvious or whatever then my apologies for that.

I obviously shouldn't be so proud and that... it's all caused by intimidation of others... a kind of defence thinking that if I don't act this way then they'll pick on me.
And that I shouldn't keep saying this and that about aspergers and saying how it's the thing that makes me do this and that... he says people like me because of me.

And that sometimes I've been kinda acting like a charity case... which is all because of this thing I've been so unaware of for so long...

(now that that is out of the way...)

Don't look at it as something that you've finally become aware of after 18 years, but something that you're going to be aware of for the next 18+ years. Now that you know a bit more about how some people are viewing you, and why they are viewing you in that way, you can do something about it if you decide that that's what you want to do.

Thanks mate. I bet loads of people are talking behind my back... but that ain't so bad. lol I don't really mind that. And so I shouldn't, which is another point he makes out "Don't change who you are Sam, and if others think bad of you then **** 'em" lol "But keep all this in mind.

This is a common thing Aspies do, so I'm sure a lot of people here can relate. My ex used to complain that I did the same thing.

Just try and be conscious of it. The more you pay attention to yourself when you talk, the better you'll get at catching yourself when you do it. It's not a big deal when it happens, just turn the conversation back to the other person. I find that sometimes, it's just easier to let the other person talk. When I find myself wanting to say something that turns the conversation back to me, I just remind myself that I need to let the other person talk. Eventually, it gets easier to stick to common ground instead of just being a listener.

I bet you don't do it as much with girls you're interested in. You're friend only experiences how you are around him. With a girl you're interested in, you probably want to know about her so you focus the conversation more on her. I could be wrong, but that's how it usually goes when you like someone.

Last edited by Spot17 on 11 Nov 2007, 12:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

samtoo: I didn't know quite how to tell you that but that's why people avoid you.

lol well I know now and the past isn't so useful - gotta look to the future man. Next convo we have I won't be such a selfish ass.

This is a lesson I have to learn.

Absorb this man. Don't go down the route I've been going down it's miserable.

Don't beat yourself up too much. This is something we all struggle with. To realize it at 18 years old isn't half bad!

Quite a shock though. It's no wonder I've never felt complete or content, then feeling all defensive and proud to compensate for feeling incomplete, for no good reason and to no avail.

Now I just have to put myself on track. It would help to delete Heather for one thing. Problem is - she hasn't done anything wrong... and a guy who's gone through life suffering can see what's rational. It would be illogical and unfair to delete her, but if it makes me happier then maybe I should do that.

In any case - why can't aspies do what neurotypes can do in terms of girls/guys etc? Through experience it's only ever been another girl being what it takes to kill the pain of the previous... what's up with that?

Some ageist observations.

After three years of grunts, ignoring anything about people, like the ones that were feeding, supporting, and caring for her, at fifteen the girl started speaking in whole sentences, and treating her mother and I like we were real, and she liked us. Eye contact, smiles, cheerful voice, became part of the household.

We discussed having her evaluated, put on drugs, but after the laundry, she did the dishes, so we decieded to wait and see.

For a short time both girls were a joy to have around. Then the younger hit thirteen, and grunted.

The older babbled away for five years, and then at 21 was replaced by a stranger who understood, work, money, politics, and being the support for others. Five years later she has not changed.

The younger is starting college, She does not let people smoke in her house or car, and thinks nothing of rearranging anything.

There is a personallity difference, but not enough, they are ganging up on us.

I see that any male of 18 might just become aware of people besides himself, do to sexual drives.

Girls like people who ask their name, then use it repeatly, I do it, for forgetting is very bad. Just calling one of the sisters by the other's name is unforgivable. You remember her name, and want to know everything about her, because she is the most facinating person you have ever met. You will listen as she talks about herself, and act like it is serious and important, if you want to learn any of her deeper secrets.

In five years you may actually wonder what your parents do for a living, and how their life was growing up, what they want to do, and be an adult talking with adults.

Fifteen years of talking at children, five talking with them, and then talking to another person.

You are doing just fine.

That's great you realized this, I geuss I'm the same way as well.
I have a hard time understanding what kind of impressions people will have of me. I suppose I shouldn't be so whiny and paranoid about what people think of me and instead encourage them to express how they feel about me. So I can learn. I have been shooting myself in the foot.

Yeah me too. Sucks man.

i know i tend to do this a LOT...and it is difficult for me to stop doing it once i get started...lol.
i know i need to try harder....even my mother starts ignoring me if i go off on one of my 'me' topics when we talk on the phone...

I have this problem, especially if I'm interested and someone else seems interested... my normally reserved state can change... and I start talking insanely fast.

I'm actually interested in people, I have a natural curiosity about others that helps in social situations... but I have to learn to ask the right questions. Pushing too far, I can sound sort of strange... I'm just learning facts about this person... not really getting into what they are feeling and such.

Use this knowledge, but don't let it push you into not saying anything. I can over analyze to the point where I don't say anything, where saying something even if it's a little bit about yourself is better.

But watch others, most people talk about themselves incessantly. Especially the extroverts, they tend to temper it with talking about others too. Knowing when to talk about yourself and when to talk about someone else is a skill...

WOW!! ! I used what the guy said, and ok it wasn't much but it was cool - people talked to me and engaged without the awkward stuff in between... a friend of mine actually felt like a friend... instead of someone talking to me and getting all awkward and annoyed in silence... I spoke to this guy in a proper conversation... eye contact and all... for once I let someone else do most of the talking, and encouraged him to talk by trying to be intrigued in the subject - a proper conversation.

Not just with that guy either - but I hung out with a few other friends of mine and nothing felt awkward - but natural and cool. Ok, later on in the day I got a bit p***** off but that's more due to the fact that a guy got annoyed with me for not knowing some songs and stuff for music - but I've been very depressed... in any case that's a small matter.

I'm glad that friend of mine was so blunt and told me exactly what I've been doing wrong. I feel free.