I seem to play life wrong. I act as a NT wheras I'm not.

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I think I'm playing life wrong. Somehow.

Somebody said to me "Don't mention AS, you're too high-functioning, nobody will notice" It got me thinking, really thinking, since that someone was my autism therapist. And you know, that's correct, nobody will notice autism in me unless I make a mistake in acting.

I always wanted to pick up the career of an actor.

I go to school in the morning thinking: How's my body looking? Do I walk normal? I must remember not to stop - no stopping and I must look where I go (so not to go a wrong way). Where can I look so that I won't arouse attention? I must fix a point with my eyes and keep my hands down, no weird movements. Is my facial expression okay? Oh, person coming, small talk, first rule: say hello, how are you and remember to smile now...

I sometimes feel like I have a second person in my head that helps me remember these things. I've read that one can only remember five things at a time - I certainly remember more.

So that sounds brilliant. No doubt, I'm jealous of the 'neurotypical world' and enjoy participating. I get ill regularly because of it, I have a consistent headache, I'm silent, accept everything to be calm and able to participate in the neurotypical world.

The downside is: I can't express myself behind all acting.

When I go home, another person is suddenly there - or so it seems, since I can't sustain to keep up the façade any longer.

I sit at home and: fail to put simple sentences together half of the time, my mom laughs or corrects me, I'm silly and exited about everything and jump at it, I stim, I just move around pointlessly when I can't sit still, I fail to pay attention to what goes around me, I'm unreasonable in a stubborn way, because it's just my opinion, I bounce around in the apartment and say silly things and just enjoy being myself. Because I don't think about my every step.

And I never get sick when I have holidays and I'm not silent and shy or anything.

Sometimes, I slip with acting. Mainly when I have to act for more than 8 hours. Then my friends immediately jump into action. They correct my speech, ask me whether I'm all right when I'm too bouncing, laugh at me when I say something inappropriate, tell me I'm silly and get angry when I focus too much on myself.

They don't like it when I'm 'weird'.

My family never believes me when I say 'I'm not like that outside our house!'. Because I realise it's hard to believe by this complete change of personality and behaviour. Recently my mom spoke to a teacher and he asked her why I was so silent and shy at times: And she didn't know what he meant or how to answer other then 'well, errr, Sora's like that at times...'

It's like I have two personalities. One that is almost not autistic and one that is.

At the end of a day, I ask myself 'so, Sora, why did you do that, say that? It's not like you wanted to do that and say that, because you know, you can't really do that even if you want to!... it's not like you at all.'

I've always strived to do the things I couldn't. It's not that I'm gifted with extraordinary concentration or an even temper: I remember learning shoe laces. I couldn't imitate it and my parents had given up, so one day I thought, I'll take a shoe and try. And I went to get one... and got distracted. I tried again though and got one... and played instead. I tried lacing them - and threw the shoe out of a window. But I tried and tried and after half a year of trying myself, I succeeded finally.

I try hard, everyday. The worst thing is, neurotypicals accuse me of not trying at all, being lazy and shy for not trying harder at the easy things.

I have no concentration, no power left to try all that!! Dancing, learning, I can hardly do anything else, because it would make me horribly ill to do a thing more! I know where my limits are and I'm already at them, working hard to participate in the neurotypical life just like a neurotypical person!

So know I know: My self is autistic, aha, I see.

But I suppose this realisation was pointless, because nothing has changed other than that I try to adapt even more, even better, even more perfect.

I reached a point where I realised this. Just out of the blue. I feel like crying and breaking, because I get neither world - the one who know my autistic me and the mass of people who know the other neurotypical picture I created - to realise what exactly I do every single day.
I want to do something, I don't know what though. Whenever I slip the slightest at acting NT, people get all worked up, correct me, say I'm weird, say I'm idiotic and hate me.

I don't want emotional support at all. I really long for advice, I can't figure out what to do, but I need to do something! Any idea and answer is welcome, I really have no idea how to do this any more. I already made a fool of myself by not realising what I do in my life sooner and why I get so ill all the time and why people complain about me being full of contradictions.

I can't pick my career of choice like this - for being an actor, singer and dancer, I need so much more of my resources only for this one thing. Right now, I can't even cope with going to my dancing lessons twice a week. I want nothing more than be an actor in musicals, I really want to do this and I realised I can't do this right now when I spent all my energy on being 'not-autistic'.

YES. That is exactly how I felt for so long. Finally my family realizes this. It's the result of being ready to move on, into the NT world, but having this association as an autistic person tied to the family.



This too, I understand. And of course I know I am here giving "I know how you feel" sympathy. But I do want to say that for a long time I wanted advice but after not getting it for so long I thought I couldn't, so I sought sympathy. Then someone actually gave me some answers and realizing it was possible to move on and get answers, that is what I now seek.


So with that as a preface, I will say what my experience was: start over. I knew I needed that for a long time, but not to what extent. I suppose it does depend on how soon you will be done with school and going off to college or work. But for me, constantly being reminded of my past paralyzed me. But I would keep trying to move forward in that state.

My family would say, "if you can't function here, how will you function in the real world? If you can't talk to your own dad, how will you talk to your boss? If you can't complete tasks here, how will you in a job?". And I believed that for a while, and hated myself for it. Until I realised it was that they were putting the cart before the horse. They held me back until I could learn how to function. Not realizing that is exactly what kept me from functioning. I needed a new start emotionally before I could even think about things like careers.

So at this point I am moving half way across the country in a couple weeks, despite ties here. It is not running away. It is simply recognizing that I will never move forward in this context and environment. Of course I'm at a stage where I can, I don't know if you are any time soon. But I would say, spend more time away from your family. That does not mean cut ties or stop having a relationship with them. I mean stop trying trying to fix it, because the more you focus on it, the bigger a problem it becomes. I don't mean "positive think", where it's just all in your head. I mean, it honestly becomes a problem when it is a focus.

But I would say that your relationship and ability to function around them will get better when your are around them, if those times are less. If you keep excercising and never rest, you end up damaging yourself rather than developing muscles. The same goes for excercising relationship skills. If you always train (meaning in the difficult times with family or friends) but never use what you have learned, the training is no use.

I would say the best way to use what you have trained for is to stop being in a context where you have to train---easier said than done, right? I'm sure you know that already. What I am suggesting is that you go to extremes to end the training, to actively pursue a new identity and place, rather than trying to make things better at home WHILE trying to "sort of" move on in some other areas. Because that is what I did, and I got stuck in a sort of limbo, a halfway place, and had to take even more extreme action in the end. You have to not just try to make your identity and friends and family better, you probably need to find a new identity and new friends. That will make your identity and relationship with friends and family better when you go back to it.

Sometimes the only way to acheive something is to aim beyond it. It's a sort of paradox. The only way to get something is to stop wanting it. If you want something else and go for it, you'll get the other things thrown in as well. I would say the best way of getting a better identity around people is not to try to get a better identity around them, but to stop trying to by putting your efforts elsewhere. It's not giving up or running away. It's just a recognition of how relationships, identity, and AS work.


You said you have friends, a sort of "family" outside your family I suppose. But even they don't like you acting weird. I would say, keep your friends, but try to get involved in other activities and social groups. If you struggle with being two people around different people, it will help to get established with new people so you can introduce yourself not as a character, but yourself, an integration of identities (because everyone has different identities around different people, everyone acts, it is just more pronounced for people with AS).

The fact that you've identified pretty accurately your own feelings and situations, and want advice not sympathy, says you really honestly ARE ready to move on. I wouldn't reccomend finding a new identity to someone who doesn't even realize their identity is distorted. Recognizing your identity is disfunctional means you know you need a new one. To someone that sees the problem as themselves, people, or situations, rather than PERCEPTION, I would say they need to realize the problem first in the situation they are in. But if you've already recognised it, stop trying to fix it in the same context.

Thats excellent advice from Juggernaut imo, not much i could really add to that.

It is that way for everyone. We have several personalities.

Work is set up with morning and afternoon breaks, and lunch, because no one can function for more than two hours without some recharge time.

Being in school is harder, for the social goes on during breaks, so no rest over a long day.

I think you are holding up well. you know yourself, and see what causes problems.

A bit of alone time might help, going to the library, taking a fifteen minute hideout break during lunch.

It also might help to go to your room after school, where you most likely change out of your school clothes, and spend fifteen minutes, or a half hour, with your friend the bed. Bringing everything to a stop works wonders.

Nothing is done well all at once. Trying too hard is the major cause of failure and stress.

So it is not working right, that means change, do it yourself. I know this wonderful girl named Sora, she needs someone to just be with her, and tell her that she should rest, and that she is a great person. Could you do this?

There are several ways we blow off energy, one is as you describe, bouncing around the apartment, the other is stopping all motion. Drapes drawn, crawling into bed, get comfy, with covers, and let fifteen minutes pass, or more.

You are streached to thin, you will do much better if you stop and get recentered.

The results are, you will not be bouncing around, as much, you will not feel streached, and you will have calm energy to apply to your homework, going to dance and making it count.

Tired people just go through the motions, they do not do it well, or enjoy it. Tired leads to stress and thoughts of failure. Not good. To sing and dance and act, you must be in top form. Read the life histories of performers, you will find they all have recharge time. Some hide under the bed, some in closets, nothing beats a good walkin, so dark, with a sleeping bag.

It is a known thing, here The Green Room, where players go before, and sometimes after performance. It is a relaxing green, quite, with no distractions or chit chat, a place to flop and let go, just let the wheels spin at idal, till it is time to hit the stage and perform with all your heart, then take a bow and go collapse.

Life is a performance, and you are on all the time. Little things count, do you shower? Well what about a long hot tub bath, with bubbles? Me time.

It is important because Mom took care of you, school took care of you, but now you are getting older, and Sora taking care of Sora is going to be the future. She is a nice person, I am sure you will get along with her.

I have tried, coffee works for a while, getting up and walking around, but nothing works like hitting the lights and spending fifteen minutes in bed, just letting go. Then I have new energy, and can do good work for a while. Trying to just power through has never worked, humans need rest.

I find that most people who are upset, angry, are just over tired. They sleep at night, mostly not enough, then try to live ten and twelve hour days, day after day. Imagine yourself singing and dancing on a stage, two hours would be a lifetime, now imagine eight hours, performance quality is dropping fast. Now consider doing it every day, it would not be worth seeing.

That seems to be where you are now. You know it is not working to try harder, so change, and try for better. I do not care that you have a million things to do. One thing will define your life, pampering Sora. Grouchy little kids swear they do not need a nap, but put down they soon fall asleep for a bit. Baths are too much trouble, till after one, and the wave of new energy that comes.

You are a battery running a light bulb, and as long as it is lit at all you keep going, but if you turn the light off now and then, it will be brighter when on. You must be the best Sora, it is important for everything else you do.

Running the NT thing takes energy, and you short change the autistic, then she trys to get back by bouncing and being silly. You need to change gears, and come to a complete stop before shifting into reverse. Home from school, out of the NT world, shake it off, and stop, then come back as your other self.

All you need is some good short rest breaks, and a litlle self indulgence. You cannot just give and give, you must recharge.

I am indeed at this stage of life where I soon have to face a wholly new environment. This April school will be over finally and four months seem to be a fair amount of time to go when compared to 20 years.

The things is, I'm mortally afraid of picking up a new identity - or being me, whoever that will be when I can only be myself (for I suppose my personality is never 'finished' as long as I'm alive).

It's true. My friends and family and everybody else that plays a part in my life right now has a picture of me right now that prevents me to change myself without falling back into my old routines.
But when I pursue a life elsewhere in a totally new situation - I'm really frightened by this. I'm mainly afraid that someone will disapprove of the autistic part I tried so hard to hide and hide for years because people usually do disapprove.

I just got back from the MRI and I couldn't help but stim silently, without realising it at first, because I was horribly anxious. I needed that though and didn't stop until after a few minutes. It's not very obvious if you tip your fingers or fidget a little.
But I'm very afraid that new acquaintance will disapprove of this behaviour, however small it is.

What if I go to an entrance examination at a musical school and they notice that I'm odd? Even if I'm real good, will they not disregard it and deny me because I come off as odd by being natural? And yet I must be natural or no emotions will shine through that can tell people: I enjoy this, I need this, please let me do this!
I usually don't mind my autism, but when society is added to this relationship then I'm not sure.

I considered the point of resting too and I've come to the conclusion that I'd wish to just act a lot less and thus prevent the over-long time I now need to recharge and take care of my mental stability. I need a compromise so that I can achieve that what you said works for me as well as you described it. And I know it is possible, it just has to be. I'm just afraid of trying it.

If I could do both, really start over right by stopping to pretend and then take care of a balance by being wise with my time even if it is slim, then that's exactly what I want right now. It feels good to put into words, but I'm afraid of putting it into actions right now.

Maybe... I don't know, but maybe I'm not that afraid if people deny me because of something autistic. I don't mind of people dislike me for my opinions usually so that would make sense.
I think I'm afraid that somebody will say, 'hey, Sora, why did you do it? You can stop that (that fidgeting or that counting the stairs or that looking at this house or that fixation on that music or book or that telling the truth of how you experience this situation unlike an NT) I know you can work through it, so why don't you do exactly that and be normal?'

And all I can answer then is: Because doing it is better for me than doing something else.

And am I sure that this answer is valid? And that's the question I answer with: no, not yet.

I suppose to make me answer this question with yes I must just do it... try and risk everything or else I don't gain anything.

I'll have to sleep over this, I still feel amazed by my own stupidity of not realising it sooner and I never saw myself faced with such a task.


Thank you very much for these wise answers Juggernaut and Inventor. psych is right, what you answered is excellent, because it's 100 per cent correct.

I usually avoid mentioning my AS. If I don't say anything, people do recognize that there's something different about me, but they tend to think I'm just weird or eccentric, which is perfectly fine with me. Then as soon as I tell people, they start to treat me differently. They talk down to me like I'm a child, or like they think I have some severe mental retardation, which I don't. They totally change as soon as they find out I'm not "normal", so I just avoid the matter.

If it isn't a problem before they know, then it isn't important that they do.

I tell only a few people, and only after we've come to know each other well enough that I'm sure they won't suddenly change. Once they really know me, then they just put the label with what they already know, and it makes sense. It's only when they don't know me that they try to make their understanding fit the label, so I wait until they've already figured it out before I give it a name.

If you go to an exam at a music school and they see you as completely ordinary in every way, they might pass on you. Almost anyone can learn music, few have the inner feeling to become musicians.

Asperger said, A touch of autism is needed for success in the arts and sciences.

It is true, it is the extra drive and focus that makes a performer. Behold the dancers, such grace and beauty on stage, but when off, they walk like cows. Most go no farther than body sense when walking down the street. Everyone does it, males the, don't mess with me, and females with their shameless sexual struting, that I have been known to sit in an outdoor cafe and watch.

In the peak girl watching places, they do a number when coming down the street. It is all an act, and a good one. In other context, wrong neighborhood to attract attention, they have a much different walk.

Personality, body sense, is what comes through. I am still amazed by the transformation. Some ordinary looking girl, who becomes something else on a stage. I know what she looks like, but when on, she projects waves of beauty and grace.

Autism gives you more range that normals. It is everything and something special.

I do not know what she has, but I know it when I see it, and she has it!

The personality thing is still something I wonder about. I can be such a slob. Then I will clean up, dress, put on a personality, and go out on some mission. It is a thousand things I do without thinking. There are few people I dare be myself with, and most of those are from other cultures. Within my own, I read who they are, and play to it.

Always leave them thinking there is more, being held in reserve. I used to be frightened of the world, now I treat them like little children. There is a gap between us, I can make it small and simple, and reserve the ability to pull another rabbit out of another hat, as needed. I do not let them see what goes on backstage.

You are lucky, girls get a lot more range to play in. Hair styles, clothes, a shoe obsession, and they can play the sweet little girl who does not date, someone seeking a serious relationship, spoken for, or cat in heat, and change it all with the next outfit. No one expects girl identies to last.

So becoming is within, and we know what a confused place that is. I have known many non autistic girls, and from a guy point of view, they are autistic. I do not understand them, but I am only 61.

If I was looking over horses, one just ate grass, one cribbed, ate the barn door, and another figgited, I would pick the figgiter. Why, because the grass eater is NT, and will resent being out of the pasture, the cribber has behavior that can lead to being run under low tree limbs, but the figgiter has spirit. It is seeking more in life, and going places and doing things, with me to protect it, we will have fun.

So the extra bounce in your step means something to me. You have the makings of a hunter jumper. You need to excel.

Go to the world you seek, the music, singing, dance, you are not there yet, but anyone putting on a musical can use someone to hand out programs, or work as a dresser, there are many support roles, and you need to see the roles. Each is a little stage play, behind the scenes. Short term, a place to play a role, an identity, try it on, yourself and others.

No one just pops out a new person, it is a bit of this, a bit of that, what worked, like picking an outfit with shoes, purse, hat, jewelery.

You will find what makes you comfortable, and how that impresses others.

Nothing is set, "you", changes from hour to hour, so do they, and the best we can do is when we compliment each other.

School friends do not follow into the real world, and as you want to spend a few years in another school, they will not last, but you will be more likely to run into them. Sell the tickets, hand out the programs, and position yourself to work with the talent.

Performers make autistics seem stable. Like me with horses, I am good because I see them as people and meet them half way. I can get carrots, and I share. I will go down the road and come back with a box of rotten apples. Horses also like beer.

I have a social validity in the herd, and strangly, all other horses know it. When I walk down the road strange horses come to the fence to say hello. It is the magic of life, horses, dogs, little kids, trust me, so do other animals, actors and musicians.

I think you would have a natural talent working Theater Stock. The deal is finding your best fit in life, and some performing talent is too far gone to deal with NTs. It is a lot like race track groom, keeping them happy, secure, and ready to run.

It would give you something to do in your career direction, and give time to work out useful identities.
Short term, and intense, with people who are not ordinary.

When I have a problem it is tramatic and earth shaking, if it is someone else with the same problem, hardly nothing, and can be cured with several deep breaths, and a glass of water.

One of the problems is you are with your age group, and your traditionlal family. Interacting with a mixed lot, old and young, but with a common purpose, "The Show Must Go On!" will give you experance at living short term. You never know how good you are till you get there.

I could not say, go to a new cafe, find new friends, for it is a confusion of life. Something with structure, a group around an idea, would work better. It is putting you in new situations that causes change. Performance art is good, and lots of little theater about, also gallery shows of artists. Fitting in with people who do not fit in. Someone serves the cheap white wine.

Do not join a motorcycle gang and get tattoos, keep it short term and simple. Work the school play for year eight. Young works as well as old when it comes to expanding your range.

We do have to work a little harder than most on some parts of life, but when we do, we also work harder on other parts, for we do not know the differance. Others just live, we learn how.

I find the confused child stage grows into a more mature adult, for it does have to learn rather than take for granted. It is time to start imprinting on your world in general. Some of my good times were hanging with the ladies at the church thrift store, I am good at moving things around, or on cleanup day coming with my windex, ladder, and washing windows. I never attended a service, but the ladies loved me.

The more places you see life from the better.