How do I stop beating myself up?

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I can't stop blaming myself for people's rejection. I can't get into a frame of mind of "Yes, they all reject me, it's sad but Í can't help being an aspie."

How do you do it?

Well i'm exactly the same, I wish I knew the answer. I suppose we have to try not to care what others think, easier said than done though.

Stop hitting yourself.

I know what you mean. Lately I've been like this too...

Just try to remember that when people reject you, it's their loss, not yours. Focus on the things you like about yourself.

I had this cool horoscope/motto of the month once that I ripped out and have on my desk always. It says: You may have only 50 percent control of a relationship, but you have 100 percent influence on it

So maybe instead of focusing on what others do to you, focus on what you can do to others. I know it doesn't fix the problem, but after I'm rejected somehow, I try to focus on spreading my love rather than getting it back. Hope that makes sense...And you're definitely not alone in this.

I've felt this way before, and now recently am feeling it on behalf of my son.

I keep telling myself "It's their loss" and "They just don't understand, they can't help it."

But it often seems like NOBODY understands, except maybe my therapist. I wish I could carry her around in my pocket.

Needless to say, I spend a LOT of time alone. For which I am criticized as being "aloof" or "anti-social" or "selfish." But I find "polite conversation" stultifyingly boring and often fake and pointless, and I just can't bear it sometimes. I mean I can try to fake that, if I have to, but it's so exhausting - it's like forcing myself to only pay attention to two colors of the rainbow, and ignore all the other colors.

You can't change others or their perception of you. The only way to find happiness is to let go of things out of your control and focus on things you have power over, such as your self perception. If you have faced rejection, accept it as the past and live for a new day.

Point of view. They are constantly rejected. NT, chatters, talks sports, and still rejected. The NT curse, 90% want to be in the top 1%, so they are doomed, DOOMED! I tell you!

Every day is total failure for them.

You provide the most valuable service on earth! Feeling you are better than people in wheel chairs does not work, but a passable working human, that you can think you are better than, now that is something!

NTs have the brain of a chicken, the pecking order thing. One in the flock will be pecked naked. A few up from there will be near naked. Those at the bottom are desperate, they have no one to peck.

Look close, Alphas do not peck Aspies, Omegas do.

Now how serious can you take an Omega? They might peck you, but the whole flock pecks them.

Just see the plucked pecked chicken they are, how desperate, how ashamed of their existance, and realize the joy you bring to their lives.

You are the Mother Terasa of the Omegas!

You are so lucky. I read this book once, it said, "As you are to the least among you, so you are to me."

See the good you do, the joy you bring, to lives that have known only suffering.

You only suffer from not seeing how you hold up the world.

Everything will change if you react to them as they are, and say, "You are welcome."

Deep in their chicken brain they know you have done them a favor, and they get a great feeling of release and pleasure from you, just let them know you understand.

It is kinda like they need a hug.

They are not pecking because you need a peck, but because they really, really, need to peck someone.

There, there, dear, come give me a big peck, and it will all be better, come on.

HA! I was going to say, "Have someone tie your hands down!"


Seriously?... First you need to do a reality check to make sure you're not the one who's making up some of these rejections.

There is the old saying.. "We are our own worst critics"... and I find it quite true.

It's too easy for people.. Aspy's and NT's to create feelings of rejection when no rejection has actually taken place.

So, once you have established what's real and what has been made up by yourself, you can move on.

Next, you should find a way to accept the positive things about yourself.
Negatives are too darned easy to list... work a little harder and recognize your positive attributes... easier said than done... I know!

Now that you have started that, you can look at the people you have brought into your life.
Something I also find to be true fairly often is that people tend to follow the perceived path of least resistance.
For example...
I have a sister who goes out to bars and finds her boyfriends. They always turn out to be jerks and just plain bad guys, but she is convinced she will find that perfect mate by going through the same old familiar routine.
I always find my 'love interests' at work. So far, none of those have worked out for me either.

I need to look at the type of women I 'fall' for and see if there is a pattern, then see if I need to change it.

For friends, one time in my life I found out that I was picking people of a certain sort who needed things... money, cameras to sell for money for 'other' things, etc.
I had to quit taking on 'friendships' that were not that at all.
I saw the pattern and worked to break it.

Now, you and many others here see your 'Aspi-ness' as a barrier to friendships, and intimate relationships, but there are others who do not seem to find it a permanent barrier... just a hurdle that sometimes keeps popping up in front of them.

So it all seems to come down to perception... about yourself, about the people around you, your perception of yourself and them... their perception of you and their own selves.

Hell, after saying all that I know that, I know I still don't follow my own advice every time.
But I don't feel like everyone rejects me.. I know the reality of it is that I am to blame more times than not because I 'see' myself as unable to fit in with people, as being rejected, when in actuality I have not been.

Awesome post, Inventor, as usual

Once in a while, I like to make a list of all the things I am NOT. It can be fun. For instance:

I am NOT a drunk.
I am NOT a pervert.
I am not a liar.

And so on. You'd be surprised at how many things that are negative, and that you are not. I find that this generally helps me make a list of positive things, since I freeze up when I try to do the positive list first.

I like that idea... plus the fact that you are NOT those things listed above

I hope not!

Greentea,

Sorry if this is too vague, but you might want to look into "cognitive therapy" in general, and "rational emotive therapy" in particular. These techniques/ therapies (try to) teach people methods for changing their thinking. I assume that these days you could find a lot of information about these techniques on-line and/ or from books, so you would not have to pay a psychotherapist a lot of money. Here are the Wikipedia entries:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_Behavior_Therapy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_Emotive_Therapy

Another thing you might want to look into --although, as I recall from another thread, this has already been suggested to you-- is Buddhism and/ or Buddhist psychology (e.g., http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kornfield ), especially meditation. (I am separating many of the techniques of Buddhism, notably meditation, from the religious or theistic elements. In other words, I am *not* suggesting you convert to a different religion.) As I understand it, one aspect of Buddhist meditation is teaching people to be aware of their thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. Unlike cognitive therapy, however, one does not directly try to change ones thoughts or act upon them. Instead, just be aware of them and take note of them.

I am not an expert on either of these things. Like chronic, physical pain, old memories are always there, and new incidents are constantly being added to the memory pile, but to some extent I have learnt to live with things, and accept them as they are. My life is not perfect, and it never will be.