Feeling very down, and confused right now...

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I really do care about my nt bf, but its just like he never gets it, or understands. I've never felt so much anger towards a person before, i want to try to make it work, but its like a part of me really wants to leave him. He is such an amazing guy, so patient, and sweet, but its like as much as i explain to him what i need or how i am, he doesn't ever get it! Sometimes i think the only reason i'm still with him, is because i'm so scared. I hate how i can't verbalize what i want to tell him, it bothers me soo much, and i know it bothers him, i got him to join wp, he rarely goes on it, got him to find out as much as he can about autism to help me, and he does try, but its almost like he doesn't know what else to do. It just hurts me every night. I know he is one of the strongest nts i have ever been with, for enduring almost 2 years with me, and i know hes struggling too. Its just that he sleeps all the time, while im up all night so upset, and lost.

This is sad, but I can honestly say i've only been happy maybe a couple times in my life, some of those times are with my nt bf, but most of those times involve my brother Jarrett. See, my brother Jarrett was the ONLY person in the whole world, that i've ever met whos never hurt me physically, he was soo sweet to me, if he ever got angry with me, he would walk away just to make sure he would never lay a finger on me. If we would wrestle or anything he would be so gentle and if i hit my head alittle he would be right there with ice, speaking in a calm voice to calm me down. He knew i hated being touched, but loved bear hugs, so everyday i looked forward to those hugs. He never ever put me down, never once, only called me beautiful and to believe in myself. If i was melting down, he would squat down on the floor, and whisper in my ear that he loved me, that would leave me be until i calmed down alittle, then would come back to make silly facial expressions to make me happy again. After i was back to normal he knew exactly how to keep me happy by playing hide and go seek, or if i was too upset he would grab me real tight, wrap me up in a blanket and put a lot of pillows over me to help me relax, then he would make silly facial expressions to make me smile. It was almost like he knew everything to make me happy, he was my everything, i would wait for him to come home, send him little notes saying how he was the best brother in the world under his door at night. Late night since i never slept, he would always invite me in to watch a movie, then would carry me to bed, when i would finally be tired enough to pass out, and lay right next to me until i passed out. He never once called me a waste, retart, stupid, anything, he just called me his baby sis. He was my hero, i loved him sooo much, but a month before my 15th birthday he was killed at the age of 19 and half from a car accident.

Ever since then i was raped, beaten, hurt, almost abducted soo many times, used, tortured, and just completely hurt every way you can think of. I haven't been the same, now this nt guy comes in life, thinking he will make my life so much better, and sometimes it is, like i really just love having him around but its just been all too confusing, like i don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry for ranting on and on, i usually don't do this, but im so sad, and really want to break up with him sometimes, even though i know its a stupid decision. Does anybody have any advice for me?

I'm glad you have such a brother.

Your boyfriend sounds like he's done quite a bit.
Do you suppose it is difficult for him to meet his own needs and yours to the level that would make both of you happy?
Are you sure he understands your needs and what he can do to help meet them?

Are you looking for your brother in someone else, afraid to leave your current boyfriend because you'll never find someone so close to what your brother was for you?

Relationships are not all easy. Relationships that are not fulfilling are even harder.

It would be good if the two of you could open up honestly to each other about your needs, how the other can help meet them, and whether or not one person feels they can meet those needs of the other.
If you two could do that... without judging any of this as 'good' or 'bad', 'right' or 'wrong', maybe the truth would find you both and you both would know to stay together or not.

I am not going to tell you that you should, "stick it out", or "Drop the guy and move on with your life". I don't know you or your situation at all. Sorry.

It seems to me from your description, that he does meet some needs of yours, just not enough of them or all the 'right' ones to make you happy.
I wonder how it is for him? What is he telling you ... or not telling you. If I have this correct, you are not telling him everything you've told us? Or am I wrong?

I am not looking at any of this as being 'good' or 'bad'. Communication is just about getting the right feelings and information across to the intended audience... your boyfriend, in your case...you, in his case.

You can either change your expectations, find someone or something else that can meet the needs he does not while staying in the relationship, or you can change the relationship by ending it all together or by changing your commitment to each other.

I can't help but think you are looking for a model of your brother with whom you can have an intimate relationship.. the kind you can't/won't have with your brother.
This isn't a bad thing... but it may be extremely hard to succeed at.

Maybe define your most important needs and think about what kind of person would be able to meet them.
Is this your boyfriend?

Keep one thing in mind though... You are obviously valuable and desirable enough as YOU for someone to want to have a 2 yr relationship with. Don't get down on yourself when you can see that there are people out there in the world who can love you and respect you.

If your relationship with your boyfriend ends... I'm sure it will be hard on you, but keep in mine what I said above.

You say that you think sometimes you are only still with him because you are scared. Scared of what exactly?
I can understand that you don't want to leave him because you think that you wont find another person like him, but if the relationship is not working, then there is no point in staying in it if you are sure it can't be repaired or improved. If it can be improved though, then give it a go, if it doesn't work out, then you two will have to discuss, as a couple, what to do about it.
Maybe try writing down your thoughts to him if that would be easier. Being verbal [I don't think] all of the time is necessary....sometimes other forms of communication work better, writing things down is definately a good one.



Your lucky that you had such a wonderful and caring brother. He was indeed very nice to you and i'm sure that you miss him very, very much.
Did you have councelling to get over your brothers passing? It sounds like you truly haven't accepted his death and moved on. I'm not saying you have to forget about him at all, infact, remembering him is probably one of the best things you can do. Not letting go of him though will not do any good.



I am not surprised you feel confused after all of this that has happened. Being raped, beaten, hurt and almost abducted...I suggest that you do get councelling.
This explains why you don't want to break up with your boyfriend. You feel, subconciously, that you will get hurt even more if you break up with him, subconsiously at the same time think that you deserve to be hurt. This is a common thing for abuse victims.
I was raped, but I wont go into the whole story. I will just say that what you say you are feeling, I felt at one stage too. I haven't had a boyfriend, but I can certainly relate to the feeling of total confusion in relationships [mine being friendships].

I'm not sure that there is anything I can do to help...but I hope you feel better soon.

Age1600:

Yeah, maybe not advice, but a couple of things you ought to think about. First (and you don't have to make it public....even though I think I can guess) what are you scared of? That's one you have to answer for yourself. And then, maybe you're right, and maybe you're not. But if it's what I think it is, you can't let that drive you.....'cause it isn't healthy.

About your brother, I'm sorry to hear that, but you're a young woman, and you have to get through the rest of your life. Everyone, including me, has some sort of a horrible event in their past. But you can't let that run you. Because you've got to live in the "now."

As far as being able to explain AS to an NT, well, I sure wish you luck, because you can't do it, and neither can anyone else. You've just got to hope that he'll understand.....and try to give as much friendship and love to the relationship as possible, and then maybe (I said maybe, no guarantees) that'll make up for the times you either have bad days, or for the stuff that happens all the time. After all, he's been with you for two years. There must be something there. And hey, who said that a girl with AS can't be a really fantastic person as well? The AS is just there. If you work around it, then you can be a really fantastic person, and if you can do that, then you'll meet real guys who want to be real friends, just because you're fantastic. Yes, you can. Try it.

About he never "gets it," what doesn't he get? I'm AS, and I'm married to an NT, and we've been together for more years than you've been alive (well, not if you're over 20), but I'm not a mind reader, she isn't, and there's something between us, because we're not thinking about leaving each other, even though we've both got our "issues." Your bf knows you're AS. And I imagine that if you guys have been together for 2 years, he probably has a perspective on you that you don't know about (because most people don't verbalize that to the other person in a relationship). But why are you angry. Are you angry at him, or angry at you 'cause you can't communicate it...because if that's the case, I got news for you. You're not alone. Few people can communicate all the little things about AS. I sure can't explain mine without sounding stupid. Are you sure anger is the right emotion? Sounds more like intense frustration to me, which is just as serious for you, but it's got a different solution than anger.

Actually, the staying up all night can be reversed, but it takes a doctor to do it. Also, if you've been doing it for a long time, have you ever asked your bf if it bothers him....or do you just assume it does, in which case, stop trying to read his mind and ask him. You might not have a problem there.

AS or not, you've got to be happy with yourself. That's a hell of a tall order. Most people aren't happy with themselves, and that's too bad, because that means that maybe you expect too much of yourself. You can do very well in life without being driven. You can do very well in life with AS, you can do very well in life if you figure out a way to be happy with yourself.

A lot of AS people worry that no one will ever want them for themselves.....which isn't true.

But that's not limited to people on the spectrum either. Don't let your AS define you. Sometimes that's a hard battle, but it's worth fighting.

You know where to pm me if you want.

Btdt