Letting down the people that love you. That love me...

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For an Aspie, is there anything worse than being up in the air? I mean, being between in the middle of nothing ith no safe haven on either side of you? I need to vent so please let me explain:

About 7 months ago my ex-wife called me up and asked me (very persuasively) to uproot myself from my hometown to come live with her nearly on the other side of the state. If she had asked me six months before that time I would have adamntly said no. But at the moment she asked me I was in a terrible crisis. My Mom had died and since I was the last and youngest son left in town all by myself, I felt so desolate, alone and abandoned. I really felt like I was the only person on the face of the Earth. My other brothers had long since left town. And it was just me in town with my Aspie father. And as an Aspie, you all know how well two Aspies fit into each other's lives! My ex-wife asks me to xome live with her and I eventually come to the decision that it's better to have a purpose in life, to have a fulfilled life with another person who loves you. Rather than stay in the town I so dearly love but die a slow and empty, hollow death.

The day came when I left this hometown that I loved so much. I was happy to leave that hollow existence I had been living. And I moved half way across the state to be with my ex-wife. And for a long time it was nice to have someone who loved me to snuggle up with at night. To have someone that loved you to rub your back at night. Someone to go trivia night at Poncho's Place. Someone to go to the Imax theater with. Someone to just hold in the dark of the night. It was so beautiful! To have alife that suddenly means something again is a terrifically wonderful feeling.

But it all came with a price.

The price was that this new town was nothing like the old town I had grown up in and left. In my old hometown, eben if I didn't have a car, I would still have a level of independence that this new town does not afford me. Here in this new town, one can't just walk down to the local library. EVERYTHING here is a 15 minute car drive away. Meaning there's really no way to get around this town if you're walking. So if you do not own a car (LIKE ME!) I am wholely dependant on cabs and public transportation. Taking in to account we are so poor that we don't even have a phone to call a cab or public trasportation, it becomes a logicsitical nightmare. I mean, who wants to get up and walk 20 minutes down the road on an icy winter morning just to arrrange a ride to get groceries? (Iknow, I know: you do what you have to do.) Otherwise, back in my old hometown, I could walk ten minutes down the road and be at a good grocery store. In my new city, I could walk an hour and just be on the very outskirts of town. In my old beloved hometown, I could walk from one of the county to the other just in about an hour! It's a pretty small town but there's a lot to do.

What had happened is that I took a very safe but lonely life and traded it for a very stress filled, unpredicatble topsy-turvy life with a very beautiful lady who loved me more than life itself. So here I am with the realization I HAVE to go back home. Back to an empty life in my old hometown. Without the love of the woman who loved me more than she loved herself. All because I'm an Aspie and I have no option but to have my own life. A solitary life that I can live on my own terms. A life that has needs that must be fulfilled.

I feel so ashamed at letting my ex-wife down. She needed me. She really did. But I let her down. I have no choice but to move back to my hometown so I can life my life on my own special terms again. And not on her terms. Because sadly there cannot be a median: there cannot be a compromise. I've tried so very hard to continually compromise with her. But I can't. I'm like a bull in a china shop. I just cannot yield any more. I have to live life my own way and I lack the ability to merge my way of life with hers. There is almost no feeling more terrible that letting down someone who loves you as much as my ex-wife loves me.

Has anyone here faced a similar dilemma as I have? I would love to hear what happened in your case.

You two couldn't find jobs near a place less desolate than hers or yours?

The only way to get a job that's more accessible is to move in the middle of town. And that would take about a thousand dollars to pull off. And we live pay check to pay check. And the state of jobs here in Middle Tennessee isn't so great. Anyone that lives here in my town has to drive out of town to get a half way decent job. And I don't have a car myself. Nor will I ever be able to get one. So I'm stuck having to live somewhere that's more pedestrian friendly. Luckily, it's my old home town.

Why can't she move back with you?

Speaking for myself, I wish I didn't waste so much of my life trying to please other people who didn't appreciate it in the end, anyway! I let them drain my health with stress, emotionally taxing showdowns, and monetary outpourings. Now, alone and poor, I am happier than I've ever been with someone else. I think we, as Aspies, have to be a little selfish. We cannot make anyone else happy at our own expense. If someone else is happy while you content yourself, it's an added bonus.

Well macallan, we're just not good for each other. Despite our mutual love for each other, we're not a very good match. We were married and we lost our only son. It made us love and need each other more than ever after the loss. But we are realizing we do better as friends these days than as a near husband and wife team again. Plus, she hates our home town (where I'm moving back to.) She'd rather cut her legs off than go back there. So that's why her coming back with me isn't an option. We couldn't be any more polar opposites if we tried.

Hartzofspace, I truly do understand how you feel. There are people out there who will suck every last ounce of lifeforce out of your soul if you let them. In the end, I'd just have to recommend just making yourself happy and not letting people drain you. I'm going to have to practice what I preach - just give in, be an Aspie and just make yourself happy.