Cannot earn my father's love

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My father was very doting to me as a child, but as I grew older I was less and less able to live up to his expectations. He wants me to have what he "never had", i. e. a scholarship to a good college (I will have to, because he wants me to be a chemical engineer). My grades aren't spectacular. I cannot get involved in extracurricular activities because I am socially exhausted at the end of the day. I took an AP history class to earn his respect (he loves history), but I completely failed it and he respects me even less than before. He was the quarterback of the football team in his youth, and is very disappointed in my inability to make friends. He constantly tells me that AS is not an excuse for being a failure. Just as his parents refused to believe his Tourette's tics were involuntary, he accuses me of faking my own Tourette's to get attention.

Since the divorce he has been much more foreward with his distaste. He calls me lazy, arrogant, self-absorbed, manipulative, and "just like your mother." He even insults me through my favorite writers, as in, "How could you be so dim as to fall for that Charles Dickens sentimentality?" and, "William Styron again? Your Holocaust obsession says a lot about your nature, you know."

I feel I cannot earn this man's respect. Seriously, one of his favorite quotes is, "self-worth comes from accomplishment, not being told how great you are." I don't wish to hate my father, but that is where I am headed at this point. If he cannot love, why should I?

Your tether probably has some terrible scars from the divorce and you're an easy target. That's really too bad because if he stopped judging you for a minute and sat down to just talk about things, he'd probably discover that you are a very interesting person, that you two have a lot in common.

My parents didn't like me when I became a teenager because they didn't like helping me solve problems. They just griped about me not being as good as other people's kids. I felt so guilty about existing.

My kids are young adults right now. We are very close. They were the best teachers I ever had to learn about myself. Your father could learn a lot from you if he'd just meet you on your own terms and begin the post divorce relationship from there.

Good luck to you. This is a defining moment that can effect how you see yourself as an adult. I hope that your father "gets it" soon.

Sorry to hear of your situation.

I think it is difficult for many if not all parents to keep from pushing their fear of failure, their regrets at failure, onto their children.

I don't think every parent does it to the extent your father is doing it, but I feel like it's part of parenting to want your children to meet your hopes and do better than you did.

I dislike it when parent's forget what they went through as kids and turn around and do the same things to their kids.
I've slipped up and started doing that to my daughter more than once, but I've tried to catch myself and stop or else realize what I've done and go back to apologize.

I hope somewhere down the line you can have a better relatinship with your father, but you need to try and not let his words drag you down.

If you need to earn it, it isn't love

I agree
you don't want his love if its gonna be like that
you wanna get away from him

Precisely, you shouldn't have to earn your father's love. It really seems like he is living his life through you, another thing that a parent shouldn't do, but unfortunately is very common. Moreover, self-worth should not come from your accomplishments, but from loving yourself for who you are.

This last point is one of the things that I have struggled with for most of my life because it is hard to deal with the constant bombardment of the equation accomplishment = self-worth. It is possible, however, as I have been learning over the past year and a half.

THIS. Exactly.

QFT.

PS: Tell him the Halocaust is part of history, you just share his passion for the past.

It sounds to me like your father has difficulties facing his own issues, and he sees himself in your difficulties. This brings his issues right out where he has to accept them, and he still won't do that. As a result, you end up feeling (or maybe even being) rejected.

You need you find you, decide what you want, and do it. You simply cannot live your life for someone else, nor can you be someone you aren't. Forget about someone else accepting you, YOU must accept you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I faced similar with my mother. Ultimately, I found freedom in letting go.

To me it sounds as though you have gone to considerable lengths to win your father's approval and affection, and that he, far from acknowledging this, continues to find fault. Continuing on this road is not in your best interests.

You may have to tell him (in as loving a way as you possibly can, of course!), "Dad, shove it, I've got my own life to live."

Wishing you all the best.

Bingo.

I'm sorry, I'm sorrier still for his comments and what I'm sure they are doing to your self-esteem and well-being.

Your father has issues, and they shouldn't become your issues too. Be who you are, do what "you" need and want to do with your life, not what someone else wants you to do...you aren't your father...hopefully someday he will wake up and realize that too.

Your father doesn't seem to be worht the energy, let it go. If he's harassing you or bullying you, it's best to ignore. Somebody's got to be the adult eventually, it might as well be you.

MissPickwickian,

I am afraid I should have to give him notice. A decent home cannot tolerated such low and common behavior.

No matter the relationship that once existed, he is clearly overstepping the bounds of decent behavior.

It is best for him and yourself to refuse to continue his role in service.

You are under no obligation to explain your position to someone who beats you up on the street, or at home. That someone would invade your most safe and private place and feel free to berate you about your choice of reading matter, should be dealt with swiftly. He should be shut out from the company of decent folk. Let him find his liking in the gutter, not bring the gutter into the home.

He has proven himself to not be worth a single word. His expert opinion on AS, and other subjects, is without any merit. His glory dreams of being a football hero and his intellectual tastes, suggest he gets his information from the sports page.

You most certainly are, "just like your mother," and she divorced him. I cannot help but think she made the proper choice.

He seems to not be showing even misplaced love for you, but using you to get back at your mother.

I am sure your mother feels uncomfortable about the situation. She never wants to see him again, not at her home, yet does want to give you the chance to know your father, if you wish.

I would say it is him, that he is unable to make the mental break from your mother, being connected to you, so is putting stress on that relationship so that you break it off.

Sometimes a bit of the cold shoulder will bring people to their senses, and if not, it can become the new state of affairs with ease.

Once you were a child, as it should be. Now you are a young lady. Any man who would treat a young lady in such a manner is a bounder and a cad. You have a full life being a young lady, learning to avoid the pitfalls and traps of life.

Your's is a much different path than his, and he is not even trying to understand. You must grow to be like your mother, and to avoid the wrong choices she made, skill at football does not translate to skill at being human.

"Self-worth comes from the accomplishment of defining your own life, not leaving it to other's."

You should be loved for who you are, and if not loved for that, be left in peace.

If you think better reading would improve someone, give them a better book. Tearing down what they read and enjoy is uncalled for.

More than any, social decency should be shown to children. And much more to young ladies. We are honor bound to show them the best of ourselves.

You have only the hand that life has dealt you. No one else can live even part of your life.

Whenever the choice is between becoming yourself, or what another person says, always chose self.

I accuse this man of faking being your Father. He should be dismissed.

You're in a no-win situation. Be nice, but be firm, and then go do what you want to do or you'll be unhappy the rest of your life. You don't have to please your father. Sorry, but you're a separate human being. I can tell you as a parent that letting go of your kid is the hardest thing you can do, but it has to be done. I had a lot of getting used to the idea that my son is 18, and he can do what he wants, and my opinions are now only advisory. Not that he's doing anything I don't approve of, but he has in the past, and I have kept my mouth shut, and once or twice, he's learned the hard way....and he's said, "Dad, why didn't you tell me?" and I've replied "because that's a mistake you have to make yourself, and there's always a chance that what didn't work for me will work for you."

Kid and I have our issues. But he is still kid (even though he's now and adult), and whatever I might not like about him is completely overbalanced by what I like about him.

You decide what you want to do and go do it. You are entitled to your father's love unconditionally, whether you do what he wants you to do or not. You're his kid. It goes with the territory. You're probably going to have to explain things to him quietly one day. The sooner the better....as soon as you get a handle on what you really want.....Maybe that kind of hard science is not what you're good at. I know I'm not. I'm a writer. Kid is, but he's not interested. Kid is also a concert quality musician, and I'd like him to go after that, but it's not what he wants, so....fine. I don't like the idea, but I still love him. And basically, it's none of my business anyway.

Cheer up. The good news is, you don't have to earn your father's love. You're entitled to it by default! Bad news is, that you might have to figure out how to explain this to him very tactfully.

Good Luck.

Beentheredonethat

One more thing!
An obsession with the Holocaust is something more people should have (as long as you don't let it depress you). Those who do not read history are doomed to repeat its mistakes. Dickens is a master of what he writes, and Styron is a little too depressing for me, but he's also one of the masters. What it says about you, excuse me, is that you're a cultured socially concious young woman. Self worth comes from being told that you're okay. And more important, made to feel that you're okay. And it sounds to me like you are more than okay.

Just your user name says something about you, and it's perfectly valid. You might also, quietly, point out that you're not your mother, and whatever arguments he had with her, are not arguments he should have with his daughter. Not if he doesn't want to be a lonely old man.

You don't fake tourettes, and AS is not an excuse (I've been AS all my life, I'm not young, and it's never stopped me). You'll make friends (if you want them) when you're allowed to go out there and make them. You sound neither lazy, arrogant, self-absorbed, or manipulative. You sound intellegent and WORRIED, and with good cause.

btdt

While I have read some very nice and helpful comments.... I have to take issue with those who would dismiss the father entirely.

From what I gather, MissPickwickian very much loves her father.
I see no reason why she should dismiss him from her life.
Through my personal experiences with my adopted mother and father, I could have been seen to have reason to just let go of them and go on my own merry way.

The thing is... I want a family to belong to... I want to know love from someone like a father and mother.
As a child and teenager.. and young adult... I spent too much time trying to appease them and become what I thought I should to gain their love.

I have their love... always did. Their actions towards me and my erroneous beliefs of what they might think of me if they 'knew' me, actually never had as much to do with their love as with our own mental issues.
The love was and still is there.

I can believe that her father really does love her. His actions only speak of his inability to be fair, open-minded, and accepting of her... not of his love.

MissPickwickian, you mentioned how your father was when you were a child.
You mention how he has changed over the years. This does not mean he doesn't love you anymore, or love the person you are.
To me, it sounds as though he's stuggling with issues he needs to resolve within himself.
He is not treating you fairly and he should be treating you fairly.
You may never be able to understand why he does what he does, but do you believe he does not love you?

After years of struggling to create a father-son relationship that never existed in the first place in the manner I wished... I finally accepted that my father does love me, he just cannot do the things or be the way I wish him to.

He told me once when I was in my 20's or 30's... "I can't be the father you want me to be. I'm not going to go out camping with you ....".
When he said that, I came to a realization that he was being frank about his own inabilities.
He was being honest so I could stop trying to gain something I was never going to get.
Today, we have a relationship that is distant.
But whenever I'm in town, I go see him and his wife.
He is always glad to see me and we have a wonderful time.

It's largely because we both have come to an understanding that there can be love even if we can't play the roles traditionally thought of for Father & Son.

Perhaps this is somewhat similar for you.

Anyway, I would caution you about thinking your father does not love you.
I do not condone his actions or words towards you and I do hope they change over time for the better.
You do need to be yourself and enjoy your life though.
This may mean leaving your father while you persue happiness in your life.
Hopefully he will work through his own disabilities present in his own mind.
I do see his actions as being a disability because it seems to be keeping him from being a better parent to you.