People seem to steer clear of me :(

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This issue has been a recurring them for all my life and laetly it;s been weighing on my mind. It's become more obvious at University though so I will start there.

I've noticed all my life people never seem to want to initiate contact with me and im usually the one who has to do it myself. At Uni i hear people knocking on others doors all the time to have a chat. While people never do it for me unless they want to borrow something, and usually i have to pester them for it back. I can;t understand why people steer clear of me? I am confused as to if they are afraid of me or if they don't bother. I spend most of my time on the top floor of my hall where the girls are, as they have been more accepting and friendly to me. But even so I still don't get many visitors and during the holidays, people at my Uni were sending messages to one another and i did not get a single one unless I made first contact. It was only when i changed my status to wondering why people don't message me that I got some people initiating contact. Which disgusted me somewhat as i thought people would have dropped a line before hand.

It's the same with text messages, they go unanswered and during my senior school life I always had to approach others. This is not to say im lazy. I may have issues approaching groups But i can do it and it seems I'm doing a lot of it with no result. I don't get people asking what I want to do or how I feel or if i may join in. All it does it add to my feelings of loneliness, uselessness and does not improve my low self-esteem, confidence or willpower because i feel no-one truly wants me to hang out with them or wants me about. I always say sorry a lot because i am scared i will do something wrong, i growel and i am mroe or less very recessive. I won't deny that my faith in humanity has been greatly lowered thanks to the treatment and misunderstanding of aspies. I consider myself a wreck fo a human being.

But really, why do people not initiative contact with me? Are they afraid, lazy, do they expect me to come up anyway or am I just unlikable. I don't seem to have many friends I can reply on or many friends at all and I would use a helping hand.

I find that people dont seem to want to initiate contact with me either unless I approach them. The ironic thing is that I find it far harder to approach people than most people do - sometimes to the extent that it completely disables me, particularly when I am depressed (last time I was I couldnt even approach people in work who I knew well, to ask them a work related question).

My conclusion is that I must be sending out some sort of body language that tells people to stay away, even though I am unaware of what this is. Maybe it is just because I look so awkward unless I am actually in a conversation with someone. Only people I know well will initiate conversations with me (or creepy men in the street). I have been told that I do look as though I dont want to talk to people or give a damn about anyone.

One way to help it is to increase confidence, then you start not to care so much, but obviously it is near impossible to do that when you constantly have your confidence attacked. All I can suggest is that you could maybe join some groups at Uni - either groups with your own interests or groups involved in helping people. The latter is useful as such people, whilst they probably wont become friends, will talk to you out of need and this might help your confidence. I have to say that when I was at Uni I tried both these approaches and neither worked very well, but I did, quite randomly find two good friends and this was enough for me. If you have a group of girls who will talk to you then this is already good - there is no reason that your best friends cannot be girls. And if you can join a group together with some of these girls you will have someone to go there with and talk to to start with and it might help you find other friends (I find going alone doesnt work so well as I am too socially awkward). As for the people who dont want to initiate contact with you, well, perhaps you cannot really consider them as friends anyway and you should look elsewhere instead of worrying about them.

People steer clear from me too, in the same way you describe it. It's something about me not counting for them, not having a role, because I don't have a specific place in the herd. I'm not someone to suck up to because I don't have influence over the others they need to impress, I'm not someone they can use (too aware to let them use me as a doormat), and I'm not a fellow-traveller because I'm different from them and that's easy to sense. I'm like a stray sheep among them, so they see no role to give me. If I ever hook up with someone, though, they all come running to me. If one of them shows interest in me and we hang together, then they see me more as belonging and come talk to me more. But this someone suddenly taking an interest in me is not something I can cause of my own will. Sometimes it happens and I'm lucky for a while.

It always seems to be though that with every misunderstanding, mistreatment or general ignorance causes me to lose more faith in humanity. At Uni someone said it's time to see the real Topher, but the real me is what you see above, a train wreck of a human being who has simply lost all his drive and determination and confidence thanks to the stupidity of NT's. it's always NT, it's never aspies which upset me. Although to be frank i hardly know any aspies, and i don't know any of them very well. If i showed people the real me it would cause more harm then good as im never happy and I just can't seem to be free of this burden of torment im always under.

People steer clear of me as well.

Tim

I'm pretty sure I give off an aura of anger and hate. I have no idea why.

Plus, 90% of the people that get a first impression of me, think I'm gay.

Kind of makes meeting girls HARD. As if talking to them wasn't hard enough, they all think I want their boyfriends -.-

Young NTs are all about conformity. They are so afraid to not fit in that they will steer clear of someone they find interesting in order to not upset the social dynamics they seek. When they get older, they get over this.

Be yourself, shine with what you do best and maybe one or two important people will come into your life. I have had the same 3 friends since college. We met, were similar, and 20 years later nothing has changed. Of course, none of us married, had kids, whatever takes one away, but brains mesh sometimes.

Keep humor, keep inviting. It is work for NTs as well to initiate and retain, but it is also better to let a mis match friend go than keep them just to have a friend. You sound sincere, and as long as you keep good hygiene, someday you will meet the friend that matters. Even NTs don’t want to belong to a horde; they just join hoping one good friend will come out of it.

I used to experience that exact same thing, when I was in High School. I was wondering what was so wrong with me, that the kids in my mainstream classes didn't want to sit with my friends and I. I've gotten so angry, one day in Art 12, that I've painted a whole entire painting in khakis, greens and browns. My teacher had a talk with the entire class, the following time, that class was in session. I was also into a drug-free hippie lifestyle, and I've panted such a picture, as a Peacenik.

Well I go back to Uni this Sunday and to be honest h'm not entirely optimistic about it. For the reasons above and also because I don't think I have made any real connections with people or any friends for that matter, I always have to make first contact and no-one comes to speak to me. I'm hated by my work colleagues and generally I don't feel settled at all.

i am at uni & last year when i lived in halls i had the same issue. people would always go round to other people's rooms & never mine. also they would never tell me when they were all meeting in someones room & it would just be chance if i heard them or happened to go to that room anyway. my room was only ever called on if someone needed to use a printer! also over the holidays i rarely ever heard from anyone. however i found that there people did not mind me being around them, but they did not go out of their way to ask me to be. also when everyone was sorting out who was living with who for this year i was completely left out with no one. however i managed to find some people on my course who someone they were planning on living with had pulled out so i live with them now & am very happy. i also had the issue last year of everyone going to tea a few times & not telling me they were going unless i specifically asked them to so i would be left to go on my own which would not normally be a problem if i was completely on my own, but instead i would be in a hall fall of people i dont know very well so not good!

have you joined any societies at uni? i joined a few to do with my interests & have found a few good friends through them. i found it really hard to socialise last year & went to very few society socials but i actually enjoyed the ones i did go to & made friends that way as well. also do you know many people on your course as ooposed to in halls? i dont know what course you do but you have obviously chosen something that you like as have everyone else on your course & therefore you must have a common interest to begin with

hope it goes better for you this term