A Wretched Fear

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I just finished (somewhat compulsively) reading the tribute thread to Starbuline. I can't help but feel depressed. There is a person whom I will not know, a person from whom I could learn so much, et cetera. This, however, is not the point of this post.

Knowledge of how real suicide is so foreboding. I have two people in my life whom I would consider closer to me than anyone. One almost died of an eating disorder 4.5 years ago and I was completely oblivious to it. Her problems with food seem to be in full remission, but she still engages in behaviour that is very unsafe (the specifics of which I will not reveal to anyone here). She thinks that she is in no danger; I say that pride comes before destruction. And I don't think that it's stupidity; it's a defence mechanism: a very unhealthy one. She had a childhood not sympathetic to certain needs of hers (I suspect AS here). She had a father who did not know how to relate to her properly.

The other is a person with AS who was misdiagnosed, institutionalised, and horribly mistreated in said institution. Consequently, he is incredibly afraid of ever being institutionalised again. I'm fairly sure that if he ever thought that he would be institutionalised again, he would off himself.

I don't think that I could live without these people in my life. It's sheer luck that they are here to begin with, and I want to ensure that they stay around and happy. I don't want to see my truest family broken by death. I couldn't live with it. I'd be completely non-functioning. I'm just so sick of seeing people endure so much pain that it interferes with the most basic human instinct to survive. I'm just so sick of people enduring pain period. The minor pain I've endured that often wears me to well nigh nothing seems minor to the situations in which others must live. I see some much unethical treatment of hypersensative people. It makes me sick. I want it to stop, more than anything else. I would forego the pleasures of success, wealth, love, power, and joy just to know that people would never endure such treatment.

And if one friend reads this, please do not inform the other of this post.

I have or had that same terrible fear... of being institutionalized and subsequently being written off, given up on, have drastic measures used against me (aka "for" me), be labeled with exaggeration or downright lies, humiliated, dehumanized, brainwashed, understimulated, insulted, treated coldly, punished for being me or for having a problem, lied about, exaggerated about, confused with someone or something else worse or more embarrassing then me or my problem(s), isolated, totally and completely misunderstood, or rather, ununderstood... ignored, pointedly ignored, have people care more about my behavior than my feelings, or rather, not at all about my feelings but caring sadistically about my behavior... called a liar when I try to call to the outside for help, forced to help them torture people, not being seen fit to make even the choice of what to eat or being fed prison food, totally non-nutritious but also totally disgusting and vomit-inducing food, being treated as a second-class citizen or less intelligent or less important or less human, being restrained for no reason, being drugged for no reason, particularly with drugs that have opposite effects as what I need (depressants to sedate me, but I suffer from major depression, so this was a big fear for me), having assumptions made about me; the list of what I fear from those places just goes on and on.

the knowledge of the realities of suicide is scary.
You are a kind caring soul. this is something that you should not bottle up, anyway is there a helpline in your area? check the phone book under crisis help or counselling.

I would recommend finding a great local organization or counselor that understands AS so that your friend can be helped through this fear of being institutionalised again. It would be a good idea to get advice from a organization that helps people with eating disorders as well.

anyway you may find it difficult to talk about your feelings, but you have got to try. Posting here was a great start.