Internal Rage...I don't want to "snap".

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People think that I am fine...that I am just my usual self. The truth is far from it.

I have all of this rage inside that I can't rationalise. I feel rage towards the world and have for many years. The things that people have done to me, the things i've heard people do to others, the way the world works in general just angers me very much.
This I have kept inside for a long time, as I thought that it was just a part of who I was and always will be. It never bothered me before that I felt this rage towards the world, until now.
Sometimes I can sit and just zone out and think of taking a machine gun, standing at the tallest point of the earth and shooting all humans in sight. I know thats not a nice thought and I don't choose to think it...but it just happens, quite often recently.
I also sometimes think of taking knives and stabbing others. Now, this thought does disturb me the most...because it is the most morbid.
I even dream rage. I dream of screaming, throwing things, hurting myself and others etc. It's like I can't escape from myself.

The thing is...I don't often show any rage or anger in real life...infact, I am generally quite an even tempered person. People would never suspect I think these things, most think I am a "sweet, innocent girl who couldn't hurt a fly".
I don't know why I am thinking these things or why they are becoming more frequent and more intense. I want so badly to get rid of these thoughts.

The thing I am most afraid of is one day actually doing these things that I think about. I don't want to "snap" and go on a killing spree. I know that it will most likely never happen...maybe a 1 in 1 billion chance or even less. Just the thought though, that one day I could "snap" and do these things greatly disturbs me.
I can't tell my mother, she will make me see a psychiatrist again and all they do is put me on useless anti-psychotic medication that all I get from it is side effects.

I want to get rid of these thoughts on my own...but I have no idea where to start. I don't know where i'm going with this, or if I even should be posting something like this on this website...it's just a rant really, but I would like suggestions if anyone has any.

thanks.

Hey Brit! I have this mental image of you as a giant thundercloud (well, your avie suggests as much ) with a massive static charge building up inside it, and any moment now, you will start shooting bolts of lightning!

So how to ground all this energy? One good way to re-establish the earth connection is to practice meditation. If this doesn't suit you, then vigorous exercise might do the trick. Tire yourself out, or at least distract yourself with physical activity, to take your mind away from destructive thoughts.

Hope you feel more settled soon.

Does this anger at the awful way the world functions prompt any deep questions within you? Such as, "What does this all mean?", or "How am I supposed to interpret what's going on around me?"

Let it out in little bursts. It's ok to lose your temper at people and things, just as long as the consequences aren't too catastrophic. If you don't lose your temper when you want to, then it's just going to build up inside you. I think. I could be wrong though.

Try this

yeah, I know rage. the concept of the thundercloud of rage. my dad used to say I would 'cloud up and raaaaaaaaaain all over you" if I didn't get my way. sometimes though, they couldn't figure out why I was raging because I did get my way. too bad they didn't put the two together and realize it was intense frustration at my perception of a distorted world view.

anyway, I channelled my rage in very unhealthy ways. at one time I stood directly on the black top on highways on the lane lines and held up my arms and hands commanding the onrushing cars to stop - pretending I was Red Sonja! The cars stopped alright! and veered wildly and narrowly missing other cars and when they stopped I would run off into the woods while they were cursing and screaming at me. (I thank the powers that be that no one was injured that I am aware of.) I just wanted power, to be able to demonstrate some sort of power over my environment.

So look for a creative (and less likely to get run over) ways to channel your frustration and rage. I wish you all the best.

Merle

Something that helps me with this very issue is T'ai Ch'i. It is not hard to learn, very relaxing, and may even help some with your knees. When I started studying it I had limited range of motion from an injury to my shoulder, and now have full range of motion back. Also, T'ai Ch'i iks very calming, and you may find it helpful.

I think we all get upset when we look at the world around us. Bad things do happen daily, but so do good things. When I get upset and angry I always try to channel that to do something good for the world or at least some of the people who live in it. It helps me let the anger go and I usually feel better after.

Wow, you sound a lot like what I feel like. Most people think I am really nice, but in fact I really do hate the world, and the more I see what happens to people, what reactions I get from other people and such, it just builds up..

Frankly, you will snap at some point, sorry to "drop this bombshell", but it's ever so tragically true.

I was like that.

I exactly know how you feel mate.

With all my uncontrolable rage inside me because of neglection, rejection, and just sheer bullying, I "snapped", and have ever since 20 or so months ago suffered with some sort of Adolescent Depression.

I know what it's like as well. Putting on a front, for your friends and family when they don't know what it's like.

To be honest, I only have to put on a front for friends, as my family understands (only my mum really because she's clinically depressed), and I don't have as much rage due to the relaxing powers of Prozac.

My advice is to keep going, and if you can't go on, just breakdown, it's psychcological and natural. It's not as if the day you'll snap is the day that you'll end up in a padded room all strapped up.

Brit:

I've had the same thing for years. Finally, when I was 50, someone gave me some medication that worked. There are several of them on the market, they are not the usual meds that psychiatrists give out, but they know about them.

For me, the meds did wonders. I've been on them for 5 years now, and I've had no more rage problems. I still get angry, but reasonably so at reasonable things. Not just unspecific rages.

I have a strict policy against telling people what I take, because some doctors don't like to prescribe it, but I sure wish I'd had it when I was younger.

Pros....you don't feel it. You just feel normal, and it doesn't make you sleepy.
cons. It is highly habit forming, but as my doctor says, if you need it, and you will continue to need it, what's the problem. It also lasts for 18 hours, so I don't have to worry that much about missing it once in awhile.

Luck
btdt

I wanna go over there! Then we can snap together!