bittersweetness

Post Reply New Topic

My newly-turned four year old son has been long-suspected (by me) of being a fellow aspie. This suspicion grows greater every day. I have not discussed it with him to any extent, and keep all conversations about the "disorder" out of earshot.

And so, it was particularly bittersweet for me when he looked at me just last week and said:

"Mama, I don't like living on this earth."


Not for a minute do I believe he is even remotely suicidal, or whatever that might translate into for a four year old. He is simply expressing his dislike for the complicated existence that is life on earth for an aspie. He is very much into space, planetary photography and enjoys watching star trek. So he is aware of other possible places he might live (which is why, I believe, he says "this earth"...)

He has since repeated this in the most melancholy way. Every day he says this in a sad, plaintive voice. What gets me even more is that he says it as though I have some control over it. It breaks my heart, even though I look into his eyes and feel tied to him on an ever-deepening level. Even though we are clearly on the wrong planet.

I just thought it would help to post it. Perhaps someone else has been in my position of having to reveal that they, too, dislike life on "this" earth.

i remember being your son's age (or even younger) and wishing i didn't exist. i don't exactly remember why now (it was a long time ago) but i do have very clear memories of hiding under my bed in tears wishing i was dead. (i didn't have rotten parents who beat me or anything like that, so i know it's not because of that.) maybe not quite what your son is saying, but i know i was not 'suicidal', as at that age i knew not what suicide was. all i know is that i didn't like living.
have you asked him what he means? maybe he will be able to tell you.

not one day goes by I wish I didn't have to live the live I have
where I wish I could live off in some strange planet that I fit in with...
When I was 4 I was happy from ignorance and whatnot

Not that I do not empathize with how he feels... But at such a young age, what is his answer to the question of "Why?" that I know you must have asked him? Surely you must have delved into this more with him; will you share what you've discovered?

Good fortune,

- Icarus was never 4...