politely rejecting unwanted advice/commands/opinions

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So, we all have one or two friends or relatives who like to dispense unwanted advice or opinions about our actions. What do you do?

In my particular situation, I must maintain peace with the individual who tries to tell me what to do, so sarcastic, snide, or cold replies are not a good option. I have calmly explained hundreds of times that I do not want this advice and assessment of my actions/character but she appears unwilling/unable to stop (or even to admit that she is doing it). I have also attempted complete and utter loss of temper , which was equally unsuccessful. Cutting ties is not an option I wish to exercise.

I am thinking of saying something along the lines of "Thanks for the advice. I don't want to talk about this anymore. " each time she engages in the aforementioned behaviors. I think she might throw a tantrum at being shut down like that, but maybe she'd get used to it if I weather through the first few times.

Anybody have experience with such things?

I'd be inclined to point out why the advice is no good. Just give the basic reasons, not in a competitive way... but more of a questioning exploring style... why following down their path of reason makes no sense.

I've told other people to do this who were in what I believe is a similar situation as you, but they had reservations about this tactic. Saying they would make their life unreasonable or something...

If nothing works, I've done the just give up tactic. Actually if the discussion gets particularly combative, I'll often just drop it. It's not worth it in the end, often the conflict is more about not admitting that they are wrong than giving advice.... from my experience.

I don't think there is a really polite way.

i don't think so either.
people do get offended when they think they are helping and getting shut out for it when in reality they are just being a pain in the neck.

gwenevyn, good question. I wish I knew the answer too! I think, because I supposedly have an air of innocence (or total stupid oblivion? unknown), some individual(s) feel the need to offer 'advice' or their unwarranted opinion. Although sometimes they may be well meaning, I suspect there is a touch of self-righteousness underlying. I think what you said, in paraphrase, about just honestly saying in brief, "Please, I don't need/want to talk about this any longer," may be the best approach. Ideally, anyone would understand this means 'stand down' but with certain advice givers they almost need a hard whack over the head to stop! (Don't do this though)!

Do you think a heartfelt sincere note, just stating, in effect, 'Whilst I appreciate your effort/concern, I do not feel the need for advice or assistance at this time. If this should change in the future, I'll say so. Otherwise, please respect my preferences." Then, if/when well-meaning advice giver starts, just remind them of The Note.

Even though this unwanted advice could be irritating, resist the urge to throw a tantrum - just makes it worse.

<Secretly, get a voodoo doll to take out the stress> Good luck gwenevyn....I hope no one 'talks down to you!' I think intent is everything here.

Gwenevyn, what you suggested is good.

Maybe changing the subject could be something to try if that doesn't work.

Getting into a conversation about what you don't want to hear only prolongs said conversation, and that seems to be more irritating to me when that happens, and I get madder. If you ask what that person is doing in their life is one way to get them to focus on something else less irritating.

Metta, R.

Whenever this person makes a comment or asks a question, ignore it by either pretending you don't hear them or asking your own question about something completely different. Denying them the reaction they either expect or want to see will take the wind out of their sails pretty quickly. Works for me anyway. I'm sure it comes across as a bit strange, but if the person thinks you're strange in the first place that probably isn't an issue.

Direct confrontation or notes will work only if the person has a conscience in regards to your feelings. They probably don't if they're being intentionally rude and sarcastic.

I get alot of critism as I am very odd and live an odd lifestyle. My friend on a buddhist forum suggested to me to imagine
1. your a buzzerd being hassled by crows and you just deflect them by turning your wings
2. you let them keep there words- if you dont accept the gift- they keep it.
3. playing ping pong-you step to they side and let the opponants ball fly past.
I would also as you said just keep agreeing to disagree and refuse to talk on it. good luck!

I can only tell you what I've done/do. Some people (relatives) have taken it OK, others haven't. I've given up on caring.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and you have stated yours. I disagree with it, and really do not wish to discuss it further, as it will only lead to a pointless argument.

If they persist, I tend to say something along the lines of. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Then, I walk away.

Keep in mind, I only use this with relatives. I never have this problem with friends (I have very few, who are almost certainly also on the spectrum). With coworkers I just smile, nod, then walk away, ignoring what they say. With a supervisor, it's much trickier. Thankfully, my current supervisor (of 10 years) pretty much confines any advice to how to do my job better (which I actually find somewhat useful). In the past, however, I have had advice laden supervisors (one who insisted my only real problem was I'm too loud). Only solution I found for them was to move on to another job ... not exactly ideal. Of course, that's also why I've been in my current job for 16 years now, despite the fact it's not the greatest of pay. The fact that I can work well in it, and actually seem to fit, weigh heavily on my not leaving in search of greater remuneration.

Ever tried something alongthe lines of "I'll give it some thought, thanks"?

They're left satisfied, because they think you're at least considering their advice, and you can perpeptually be 'in thought'.

Works for me.

Do what I do and tell them to go to the kitchen and pour themselves a refreshing glass of shut-the-hell-up.

Thank you. You all gave good advice. I don't know how I'll ever get to employ it though. She's very indirect. I think this is more about her trying to put me down because she is worried about other things in her life and she is taking the stress out on me. I really hate how she'll insult me and then pretend she didn't. It makes honest conversation impossible.


I snipped the rest of the post. I figured I'd regret it.

If she's being very indirect, you should just be oblique. I'll try to make up an example, just pulling something out of my head.

"Wouldn't it be nice to know that you had a steady paycheck coming in?"
"Yes, that would be nice, wouldn't it? I agree. It would be very nice."

Also, if you feel that she's crossed some major boundaries and is asking inappropriate questions, there's nothing wrong with complete silence and a pointed stare as a reply. I think it's best, since I get the feeling that saying something like "I don't want to talk about this anymore" won't be too effective against this individual.

opinions are like a*#$holes everyone has one.

In situations like that, I've sometimes found it necessary and effective to confuse their thoughts, aka induced cognitive dissonance. It's a nasty defense mechanism and should only be used with great care.

The safest place to attack with it is their opinion of who, what and how you are. The general concept is that it places within their mind a pattern which, if they attempt to think about you and whatever subject it is results in an unpleasant cognitive dissonance. The natural reaction to that is to avoid thinking about you and the subject in combination.

As I said, it's nasty. It's also disrespectful of the other person. I won't say how to do it, either. If you don't know enough to understand how, you don't know enough to understand the hazards.

... and I'm a b*****d for even saying as much as I did.

ooh, can you give an example of inducing cognitive dissonance?