Something I posted on MySpace and Facebook:
When she broke up with me, I became jealous and heartbroken. I realized that I was envious of her and others because I procrastinate, I am indecisive, and I have poor relationship skills, and they don't seem to have these problems. These are the roots of all the problems in my life.
I've always procrastinated. That's why I have poor grades. It's also why I don't have a good job or a driver's license. She told me that I should get a job and a license, and that I should be more responsible and independent. I agreed; I thought it was a good idea. But I never did it. And that's probably one of the reasons why she left me. Now I'm trying to figure out why she fell in love with me in the first place. I know, I'm a great guy, but my problems seem to be pretty important when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Anyways, I looked up some tips online on how to help with procrastination. Hopefully I'll get better at doing things.
I have Asperger syndrome (high-functioning autism). It makes me one of the rarest kinds of individual. It gives me a different perspective on a lot of things, but also poor social skills. Not too poor, but still it is always a problem. I've never had many close friends. I'm still not sure what a friend is, or what a significant other is; and there's probably no way to define them for me. I still would like to have friends, or I think I would like to have them. The closest friends I have now are myself, my mother, my aunt, my ex-girlfriend, my brother, a friend who now lives in Israel, the Internet, and music. It's hard for me to make small talk with people. I'd like to find someone who'll understand me, who I can share all my thoughts with. But it's hard for me to express all my thoughts. Maybe I could find friends, and I'm just scared, scared of rejection, or scared of success. Maybe not.
Over the past several days, I realized that I had been completely depending on my ex-girlfriend for my happiness; I shouldn't have done that. I became bored, lonely, and depressed. When that happens, and it's happened before, I start to think about life itself, and my life. I need something productive to do with my life. I want to make others happy. That's one of the reasons why I dated her, to make her happy. I chose engineering as a major because I think someday I and a team of other engineers will create something big, something that improves everyone's lives. We'll sell tons of them, and everyone will be happier, and I'll make money. And if I got a job right now, it would probably cheer me up.
Why can't I just be content with what I have?
There are definitely others less fortunate than me. I got to be in a fun relationship! And I got to learn a lot about myself.
I guess the only things that I can and should do now are my homework and my job applications. But for some reason it just seems too hard to concentrate on my homework.
19 Feb 2008, 7:59 pm
