Are you a watcher?

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I am a watcher.

I mean, as opposed to being a "doer".

A bit of a ramble here...

It's not just that I don't have my own niche in life, it's like I'm lacking whatever drive or quality I'd need to have in order to be the sort of person who accomplishes, learns, and does many things. Sometimes when I talk about the things I enjoy or the things I have done, I feel almost as though I am exaggerating. It's not that I'm stretching the truth about what I do, but rather that I'm leaving out what I actually spend the most time on.

Most of my time is spent watching other people, paying attention to what interests them, watching how they do things, thinking about all I've seen, and producing nothing. Maybe I started this because I didn't know how to do what they do and I wanted to learn. Sometimes I take up someone else's hobby or special interest for a short while. It's as though I were trying someone else's clothes on, to see if they fit me, then sloughing them off again with a lingering backward look. Other times I keep interests for years and years, but because they were the interests of someone special and I came to love them, not because I discovered the band, show, or hobby on my own.

When I was a kid I read a book about an alien, a kind of shape-shifter. Every time the alien faced another creature, its own body changed until it appeared as a poor copy of the creature it spied. I spent years of my life being like that alien, knowing I didn't belong and trying to pick up the customs of the local population. (Didn't we all!) But I feel like I went a bit too far with it, emulated too much. So much of what I am is made of pieces of other people. I've built on some of those pieces and made them better, I think. But the rest are of lower quality than the original work. Some sort of hesitant, half-hearted homage.

When I think "what do I like?" I get a sense of trespassing on someone else's ground, as though everything I liked weren't my right to enjoy. Or maybe more like I shouldn't bother getting attached to anything, as it's likely to change, die, or be ripped from me. Everything seems fleeting, transitory... yet everybody else settles in just fine and makes a spot for themselves, with their craft or their friends.

Maybe that's why religion appealed for a while, because I wanted to think I could go home someday. I know someone else must feel that longing. Isn't that how this site got its name?

Part of what brings on this sense of sorrow (for lack of a better word) and detachment is grief over losing my former life and former friends. I have had to disappear from that social sphere for reasons of personal safety. Why is irrelevant... but I can't go back. I read their blogs and look at the places where we used to hang out. But that's all I can have, and I don't feel that I have the ability to replace those friends without straining myself beyond my means. I see that others have many friends, even aspies. They talk effortlessly with others on instant messaging programs and chats or in person. They make and keep connections.

I am Virginia Woolf without Bloomsbury.

That's probably far too long to read. All I really want to know... is do any of you feel similarly? Do you feel as though it is your nature to be detached, on the outside, watching? What is it like, for you?

Last edited by gwenevyn on 27 Feb 2008, 1:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

Interesting post, and nicely described. I do know what you are trying to say. I used to be like that, when I was in my teens mostly. (Of course, I think there will always be a part of you that tries living how other people live, that's just a part of human nature). But what you are describing is being a constant watcher.
How old are you? For some reason I'm thinking early 20's. If that's the case, then it makes sense you would feel this way, as you're probably still trying to figure out what you want to do with your life, and the order of things in the so-called real world. But as you develop more of a sense of self, likely through work and independent living, I think this feeling will decrease. That's what happened to me anyway.

As a note to the definitions of 'watcher' and 'doer'... It makes sense to watch before you try something. But on the other hand, you might have trouble understanding it until you do it for yourself. So the two things are inter-related.
I was just thinking today about how I can't visualize things until I do them, ironically.

I've felt like more of an observer of life than a participant for a good while, too. I believe I'm much better at observing relationships between people than actually having relationships. I, also, have broken myself apart from my friends and now have "one-way" friendships with them where I read their blogs but they have no idea where I am or what I'm doing. It's my bedtime now but I'll return to this topic later.

I have similar feelings, but mine are of a different flavor. The main difference is that I don't copy others around me so much.

But in terms of what I should be, much of what you say rings true to me. In order to accomplish something, you need to have the passion to push yourself forward. But if nothing catches your fancy that strongly, then there isn't much sense in pushing forward towards something you aren't even sure that you like in the first place.

I get frustrated whenever I find something I'm genuinely interested in... I can never go down the path to accomplish it my own way. Which I need since I am so independent. I get frustrated, and it feels like my passion is being ripped from me.

What you are feeling is more of a grander identity crisis, than what I go through... I think.

As it relates to friends and social stuff, if I somehow had to lose all my connections and good friends I have right now... I don't know how I could build myself back up. Partly because I gained these friends through family, so they started as friends by default.... but now I may be closer to them than the family that started the friendship. But if all that went missing one day, I can imagine how gut wrenching that is.

And anyways, what's wrong with being a watcher? Why do you have to be doing anything, if all you want to do is be with your thoughts and watch the world... so be it... nothing wrong with that. In order for you to think there is something wrong with that, makes me think you have acquired another's values maybe.

I identify much with what you say, except that (my impression - they're never right) it seems that while you have a sort of weak ego, similar problems arise for me for precisely the opposite reasons; I am too far turned inwards. I wander my days in a haze of repeating sounds and echoing thoughts. I think I could probably hardly handle more than my bare trickle of experiences. A single event lasts for many months to me, even years later I find myself repeating a conversation I had.

My particular existence seems "unbearably light". Life, in its contingency, seems no longer all that real to me. Likewise people, and my particular accomplishments as an individual. The distance between me and that world of my senses seems uncrossable, and there is an enormous inertia of violation accompanying my actions which would in some way make me a part of it. I find even posting on this board to be a very bizarre experience: seeing my name out in the public and having others reference me is confusing, and I often feel as though the person writing here is not me.

I have this feeling of being a floating set of eyes.

I think I was more like you when I was younger, a sort of fringe parasitic existence. With time the distance can harden, it seems to me.

I hope you feel better, or different as the case may be.

See I was to self centered... Had a great idea about my worth due to my succesful academic carrier.

Family also encouraged that kind of arogance.

So I shut up and strated watching people... my family included... I believe I became a better person sicne that happend (10 years ago).

However I remain antisocial. Too much watching can be bad thing as you point out.

Dont know if I ever get over it... but see... its an improvement in my personality! Therefore I am quite happy about it!

I am also a watcher, a copier.
I don't really watch other people, but I do watch what other people do. If I like what I see I will try and watch others do it also. On the rare occasion I give it a try, usually if it can be done alone.

I have pretty much no drive to accomplish things that I have not started yet. Which makes it really hard to start anything that I am not sure I want to finish.

I absorb other people's interests too.
I think that is normal to a degree. What person doesn't show at least some interest in the hobbies of loved ones?

I find it hard to identify if I like doing something merely because I am doing it, someone I like does it, or just because I like it. I often can't really come up with a reason for doing things I do other than I have done it for so long and don't know what else I would do.
I feel like there are few things that I can truly claim as my own doing. Everything else seems like I was just finishing what others wanted done and had set in motion, or that I required so much help in doing that I no longer view it as something I had done.

I'm the opposite. I am more of a doer.

I read the whole thing but I can't specifically relate to certain things in it.

You said:"Do you feel as though it is your nature to be detached, on the outside, watching"? My answer to that is yes. As for how it is for me, I don't know that I can put it into words, it has just always been that way. It is an aspect I have never thought about introspectively before. I don't think I can quantify it in any coherent way.

I'm definitely a watcher.

Just watch me topic

You are bang on, Gwenevyn. I am the one who lurks over everyone's shoulder. I seem to emit some sort of creepy aura, because it was noticed today at work. One NT co-worker picked up on the kind of person I am and that was it. This b***h told the boss and I was summarily dismissed after a discussion. Workplace culture cannot support the kind of person I am. In a a perfect world, maybe, but this world is not perfect, he told me. Cookie cutter employers. I had ten of them last year alone.

I am hoping my disability support will be processed soon, so perhaps I can connect with an employer who will be able to utilize my talents, and earn a much needed income.

Reading the OP again, I don't think it's that bad to be interested in stuff that other people have introduced to you. People are social creatures and this is a pretty natural process IMO. I think it happens a lot.

I definitely agree with the feeling of "I almost don't deserve to enjoy/desire thing X". It's pretty strange. It's almost like a presumptuous feeling. "Who am I to ... ?"

I think the biggest thing for me is connections. I can't make them anymore, and I think it goes back to the earlier thing, for some irrational reason I feel like I don't deserve friends.

I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I belong nowhere, not even here. Sometimes it's relaxing but mostly it hurts. I think I'm so used to the pain that I don't notice it as much anymore. That's what it's like for me.

My dad died when I was 7, so I tried imitating fictional characters: cowboys, police detectives, Mr. Spock, Dracula...and it gets silly from here. I didn't have good male role models around me, so I had to make do. I always went for the plain-spoken guys. But their pieces don't look the same in me. I had to adapt them to my life, abilities and interests, so they sometimes look pale by comparison even though they are what I need them to be.

An android may do tasks more efficiently than a human, but a human fits into the Earth's biosphere better than the android. Context is the key.

It's good that you're trying to find a way to rebuild your life in another direction. You will eventually find new friends, even if it's one at a time. I'm really sorry you have to do that. You don't deserve the pain. It's no wonder you hesitate to form new attachments.

Would it help you to write goodbye letters to your friends (not to be mailed)? If you can find some way to move on or begin the closure process it may offer some relief and allow a new activity to spark your interest.

You watch, analyze and deduce. You are an observer that Mycroft Holmes would envy. You also put your conclusions to use on WP helping people with their problems. You're a fine counselor and well respected for your compassion and understanding. WP is a much better site for your being here.

That's doing, too.

I second MysteryFan3. Doing is not just in the physical world, and you do watch more than the bodies.

Range, interaction, and if you watch enough, a constant turnover of connections.

We tell all the children they will grow up, make great friends, get educated, have a good job, and a house with a white picket fence. Few will, but it is a good fairy tale.

Problem one is getting them into the world, and if we told them how false it can be, they would never leave their room.

It did affect me when groups of friends split up, but the feeling of loss was replaced by seeing it is the natural flow of things. Going to the movies is great, but later, selling tickets and popcorn is not.

We do try to be the others we meet, we do it to fit in, and they picked it up to fit in, and thats how fads start. Fads come in music, dress, lifestyles, education, and none of them last.

The neighborhood gang, high school friends, college, my first apartment, all end. It is all time dependant. In the twenties they are all shooting to be in the top 10%, the math catches up with them.

I see two kinds of dropouts, those that move downscale, was going for an MBA, and marry a lawyer, waiting tables in a small town a few years later, they were playing at a dream.

The other hides, avoids, and puts all their effort in building their position. Be it education, business, skill, the street players will mess with it, and it is them, or your future.

Out of all six billion, only one will be you in your future. There are good human qualitiies to watch, and bad.

Humans, as made, may look good, but they all need work. Flaws are discovered which lead to never having anything to do with them ever again. Only one keeps hanging around year after year. Cities and people change, and there you are. Will you go backaward, stand still, move forward, or off to the side?

We do not live on this planet, or with these people. We can only occupy a small space, and interact with a few. We are hardly visiting the place.

Only self lasts. It can get worse, stay the same, or improve.

"Spend Fifteen minutes a day improving yourself, it is nothing from a day, but it is ninety hours a year." Inventor

Watching yourself grow can be fun. It is natural with age to have less to do with others. It can leave a void, or it can be filled with your new and improved life.

The you I have seen here lives in the larger world, has opinions and points of view, and is both kind and firm. I would say you have a wider world view, with more edges to watch and question.

Not wanting to do what you see, is good, sharing with others is good, but taking care of number one comes first, always.

When I did not know what to do, I read. I learned about odd things, trees, soil, rocks, history, and it all came in useful later. We are based on the sum of our knowledge, and how we can drive ourselves to act.

The more you drive yourself the less you will be driven by external events. Waiting for random is not good, paddle your own canoe. The first strokes do not seem to move you, you tire quickly, but persist and become mobile. If you work at it, you can move out of the dead waters and catch a current.

It sounds to me that you are in the shadows of your past, echos, and that is not a good place. Go visit nature alone, just stand in a forest, walk a beach, you are out there, in the places of solitude.

Finding self is the only goal. We can only know others as we know ourselves. It is self that acts in the world, and that preserves self.

The old words are still true, "Know Thyself." Unto thine own self be true, and you will be false to no man, but wear the best clothes you can, for clothes make the man."

There is only one place where you are never on the outside looking in.

I feel the same way in this regard. For me, it stems from a sense of being "less of a person." When other people talk about buying a house or enrolling their kid in a school or getting over a divorce, there is a sense of gravity about it. They're real people doing big, important things, and other people treat them that way, nodding and paying rapt attention as they talk.

When I get divorced or buy a house, it seems trivial, somehow. Perhaps it's because I don't have strong emotions that reliably accompany such events, or the retelling of the events. It's just something that happened, and doesn't feel news worthy. This makes my life feel less important than other people's. I'm the opposite of histrionic. Instead of every single thing that happens to me being a drama or tragedy, it's all just mildly remarkable, event when it isn't.

Same here. Ever since the age of five, I never knew who 'I' was, I only knew I existed. Like you, I watched people for years and years, trying to emulate what they do in the feeble hope of one day being 'accepted.' In my late teens/early 20s, I made an attempt to blend into society and spent time with the wrong people. They took advantage of my naivete and I was hurt very badly - physically, mentally, sexually and so on. Life itself beat me down and left me to die. I finally straightened myself out some years ago, but even then I was always on the outside looking in. Everyone seemed to be sharing some kind of joke that I simply didn't 'get.' I still watch people on a daily basis, always trying to figure out what they're doing that I am not. I attempt to make the same jokes, use the same tone of voice, etc., but it never works. Like you said so well, I felt like some kind of alien doing a poor imitation of humanity. I knew that there was something fundamentally skewed about my mode of thinking and the way I viewed the world, but didn't know why. I still feel out-of-place, but at least now I know why.



yes, life is transitory. The older you get, the more you lose people you once leaned on. When I lost my beloved father, I went almost catatonic with grief. There will never be another person like him in this world, at least for me. In my life, he was the only person who ever seemed to really understand me. When he died, a large part of me did, too.



Religion is something I could never wrap my mnd around. I went to church when I was young because I had to, but even then it felt pointless. I always felt that if there was a God (or whatever one calls their higher power), 'he' must have left out something when he made me. Therefore, I felt overlooked. After a while, I stopped trying to believe.



Again, same here. I walked away from a very bad life where the 'friends' I had nearly ended my life (such as it is). In time I realized that they were not good for me. Its not easy to leave one's old life behind, but when you do, there's always a bonus - you get to start a new one. It gets better. Just give it time.