Feeling Discouraged About the Future

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I'm feeling down and there's a shortage of people to talk to about it. It just dawned on me that I could post my woes here:

I'm the sort of person who eats the least favorite flavors in an assorted box of candies first, or who puts the groceries in the trunk starting at the back rather than the front. I live in the future. The future always seems more real to me than the present, and whenever I am unsure about what awaits me in the future, it is agonizing.

I've been fighting to get a driver's license since I was 16. 4 years later, I finally have it. I know, congrats, right? Only since I've gotten it, I've only gone out three times, and it was only to the store which I could probably walk to if my joints didn't suck. The third time, I got confused about right-of-way and let someone go first who shouldn't have. They were confused when I was afraid to admit I didn't know what I was doing and didn't motion them to go ahead. They edged out onto the road and were almost killed by a blur of a car going down the wrong side of the road at about 100 miles an hour. If I had just gone, they wouldn't have been at risk, but then, maybe I would have died...

That was about a week ago. Ever since then, I've been afraid to get in the car. I'm sure I will eventually, but the fact remains that I've barely done anything worthwhile and the thought of going 75 on a highway is terrifying. I don't feel like driving is safe. I try to be as careful as I can. I always completely stop at stop signs, obey the law to the letter, and prioritize safety over getting somewhere faster. Better I have to get somewhere 10 minutes behind schedule than die. Still, the other people on the road don't think that way. They'd probably run me off the road and kill me if it meant they could get to work faster. I don't feel safe when I see a car in my rearview mirror. I fear I'll be tailgated. Most of the time, I drive 5 miles under the speed limit. I can easily drive the car properly much faster than that, but I'm afraid some kid is going to jump out of the bushes and their head will crack like an egg under my wheel, so I drive slower anyway. When a car's behind me, I drive 5 miles over like everyone else.

This would be enough of a problem to deal with, but meanwhile, my Dad is pressuring me to hurry it up. He has his own problems to deal with, and they've made him a somewhat irrational person. He sees me as a completely different person from who I actually am, and thinks me capable of faking a fear of driving out of laziness because then, I won't have to drive. While he hasn't been nearly as aggressive about these things as he used to be (Mom's been working on him), even the little pushes, like discussing with Mom in front of me if I should be made to go pick up something they order at Best Buy by driving on the highway when I've only driven small streets so far, is enough to terrify me (it was something for me, but still...). I normally do what he says even if it's a bad idea because the more I humiliate myself and pretend he's right, the less we have to fight about, as he himself is usually incapable of compromise, and my brother hates it when we fight. In this case, however, I see a big fight coming because I'm not willing to have my brains all over the highway to make him happy.

If I cannot get over my fears and learn to drive, I will not be able to buy my own food, have a job, visit anyone, or really do anything, especially because this dumpy town has virtually no bus transportation, and I'd hate to think that after coming this far, I've hid a brick wall, but that seems to be the case, and driving isn't my only problem...

I've always wanted to teach people something, and I'm very good with Windows operating systems. I'm also very patient and good at explaining complicated facts in simple terms. I therefore decided to write an online course for computer illiterates to learn enough to be able to use the computer without someone's help. I completed the course about a year and a half ago, and it took me almost a year to produce. However, there are three obstacles facing me if I'm going to sell this course. The first is easy. I currently only have an XP version of the course, but I own Vista, so I just need to retake the screenshots and adapt a few sections of text. The other two are much more of a problem.

The first is that I need someone to test my course. I have offered this knowledge to all my Grandparents, my Mom and Dad, and a few friends that are in need of computer understanding. Nearly everyone has agreed to do it, but their actions contradict their words. Now, over 6 months later, no one has made it farther than about 25% through the course, even though I can read the whole thing out loud in a full day, and there is barely anything to do beyond reading. My Grandma on my Dad's side made it to the beginning of Chapter 3 of 10, but Grandpa is sick (he's dieing of cancer), so she has to care for him and can't do it. My Grandma on my Mom's side was sick with shingles and hasn't recovered enough, and even though, bless her, she's given it an earnest try, she can't get much farther. My Mom and brother, who don't need the course at all but could at least help me proofread it, don't have the time because they actually have a life. My Dad, who badly needs the course and who is constantly in need of my assistance to use the computer, claims not to have time, then plays on the piano all day. This behavior didn't change even after surgery on his thumb, so he could only play with one hand. He even admitted one car ride that he just didn't find it interesting enough to read it, then later claimed he had never said anything of the sort, and would take it if he weren't so very busy.

So I have no one to take my course at all, but even if I decided to try and sell it completely untested, which I doubt I would do, I still have problem number three. Even though I know what is needed for the course, which is miserably basic (the most advanced topic is reinstalling Windows without dual-booting), I don't have any proof of it. I have no qualifications. If there was a test that covered the material in that course, I could take it without studying, and I would pass it. The problem is that there is no such test. Instead, I have to take something much more advanced. Things like a Microsoft certification or an A+ cert. The MS cert was my thing, and I knew 90% of what was in the book when I picked it up. Generally, when I didn't know things I read in the book, I easily learned it. However, when I got to domains I was, to put it bluntly, completely screwed. I had never used, nor had a need for a domain environment and I also didn't have a copy of Windows Server lying around to try it out. The book explained the concept terribly, and I tried looking it up online, but it was all written in a way that you had to understand it first before you could understand it. I had all kinds of questions I couldn't answer: What does the interface for choosing between a domain and regular account look like? Why would I subject myself to the domain when I could just log in as a regular user anyway? Where is the data being stored and what happens if the user loses connection and is cut off from this data? In the end, I simply gave up and went for the A+ Cert. This has proved to be even worse, because although my Mom insists it's half-software and half-hardware (at one point, she even claimed I could just take the software half of it), it seems to be 90% hardware. I have to memorize stuff like the speeds of every generation of CAT cabling, for example. I have already learned a huge amount, and I've paid over a thousand dollars in learning material, but I'm still failing the practice tests. Hardware is not my thing, and I'm really in trouble if I can't manage this.

Meanwhile, my parents are cheering me up in the same, bad way they always do about both the car and the cert issue. Instead of telling me how if I can't pass the cert, or can't learn to drive, that it will be ok, and that we'll find a way around it, they tell me it's impossible for either of those two things to happen. I'm not going to believe that because I know more about my chances than they do, and all it accomplishes is putting more pressure on me because I don't want to let them down. I've even flat out told them this. They do it anyway.

And of course, these cert books open up with telling me how no one will want me if I don't have a certification, not that it isn't true, of course. If I don't manage to get this cert, not only will never be able to teach people computers like I dreamed of doing, but I'll probably not be able to get any computer-related job at all. I'd be perfectly happy formatting hard drives and installing operating systems in the back of some shop, but even that is completely out of my reach if I don't have a paper that says I can move a mouse and know what the left mouse button is for. In fact, I might as well not know such things at all, because it's just phantom knowledge anyway without a paper proving it.

If I don't get this cert, my life is over. I'm not the type of person to kill myself, but I certainly don't see any joy in my shell of a life being left all the same. I'll just find work at some McDonald's and do it until I'm 70, when I'll become too ill to work, and die in the street of starvation. Then, someone will throw my body in a dumpster, the seagulls will peck out my eyes, and my body will rot away. The end.

Kamex, I am a (high-functiong) autistic but I secondarily have an anxiety disorder (GAD), which is co-morbid with autism. I cannot know if this is true for you, but I see parallels. For me, part of the anxiety is sensory coupled with painful social interaction (I'm really shy). A few words/phrases were prominent in your post (such as): Reference to a 'brick wall,' "phantom knowledge,' 'I don't want to let them down.....they do it anyway.'

I do understand, but I'm not quite the same as you - we're all different on WP. But commonalities. I guess you're just a 'safe' non-impulsive man. I also crave security. Sometimes everything feels like chaos I just want/need a safe place, but everything is moving out-of-control fast.

I think you would do well to teach others, as you indicated. Try it! With your unending patience you would be ideal. Can you find someone outside your family to test your course? I'm there's someone. As far as failing the practice tests, can you change your strategy to fit your style? Maybe a tutor could help you navigate this part.

You're really smart; no, you'll not end up working at McD until your 70 (geez). I have no self-esteem too but you have to fake it sometimes! Try it now. I sort-of know what you mean about 'living in the future,' I tend to eat my vegetables first, then the main dish! I'm choosy that way.

I hope you don't think your life is over....you've only just started and I don't think you've given yourself a chance. There would be many (professionally & personally) who would love to have you on their side of the team! You've got brains, strength, and the stamina. I think many who are impulsive or too spontaneous can be unpredictable, which can be an undesirable trait in many professions. You'll find a place - really. Good luck!

Hardware you have never seen is hard to learn. I expect too much of it, and when I do run into it, it becomes obvious. I have a seeing and doing brain.

So what to do. Volenteer to teach at a Senior Center, it is not just teaching, it is who is learning and how. There are different styles, more hardware, and once you have dealt with it, all is simple.

I have the same car problem, I drive like I am enjoying the ride. The rest of the world is stomping the gas, then the brake, and back to gas, and they are unhappy. I run back streets, where slow is expected. I avoid rush hour. I have to think about where I am going first, pre program, then I have a plan, and do it.

Back to computers, servers, domains, that you have never seen, rj45, has an rj45 plug that fits an rj45 socket. I have them in red, blue, yellow, light yellow, and gray. All Cat 5.

So some of this you will have to see to build a mental map, words fail, manufacturers lie, techs elaborate, and I am sure the people who wrote the instructions have never seen the product, used it, they were just English Majors in the office.

When it gets to hardware, I can make it do what it was designed for, and come up with other uses.

Look broader, Management tells some techs to build something to sell, they have never sold anything. Business wants answers, but cannot pose the question, some high school football player social types are hired to sell it, but do not know how it works or what it does, but some guys will come install it.

It was not bought out of need, but because money was bugeted, and no one knows how to use it. Then they expect entry level techs to fix the problem. One defective cable and the whole thing works sometimes. Even when it works it is doing 3% of what it was designed for, and that badly.

When information flows through the firewall, the router, the server, and does get to the desktops, they do not answer emails, because it is not real like a phone call. The person who answers the phone knows nothing, they were hired to answer the phone and answer all questions.

Our information system works, that is why we cannot understand them.

Understanding is one thing, unreachable, because it keeps changing, but test taking ability is another, and I think 70 is passing. Someone was paid to make up questions, so they did, it looks impressive. The truth is no one knows, but it is pass/fail, so pass. Answer all the questions you can, ignore the rest. When you get to that part in real life, ask for the doumentation, with the machine and instruction manual, you will figure it out.

Most of this stuff you will never see. You are not expected to do the work of a MCSE, or the cert for all Cisco. It is like the car, get some road time on back streets.

Around here, if it does not work, unplug it and take it to the shop, $100 when it hits the counter, then labor and parts. I made house calls, fixed it in place, and made good money. It was great during the 90's, then XP started doing what I did, computers got cheaper, so I think training, publishing, is the way to go. The machines are better, but the human problem remains.

Your age group had computer lab since first grade, most people over thirty are faking it.

You can also use your knowledge base, I publish books and prints, sell on the web, and it works.
I have an HP 4050, and a 5000, bought in thrift stores, put in top shape, prints 335 pages in 12 minutes, spiral bound at Office Max, with the good covers, and they sell.

Nothing will be the same in ten years, so get in and keep up, find what you do best.

Are there any Boys and Girls Clubs or other organizations for kids in your area? With your knowledge of computers, why not volunteer some of your time teaching kids? Or why not volunteer to work at your local library...there must be a Childrens' Room
that provides activities for kids.

It may not be easy but, I am sure there are many ways you can share your talents with others who would appreciate your time.

Good luck!

This is not uncommon, even for NT's or expeirenced drivers. And remember the speed limits are set to be safe in all but the worst of conditions. Driving will become easier with time. Talk to your dad, maybe tell him you are reticient but willing to drive "normal" streets, but that you are terrified of the highway, and won't be ready to drive on them until you aren't terrified.

How about posting a link to the course here (even if your results will be skewed towards an AS outlook and learning patterns, Aspies are also more likely to tell you like it is)? Also, I have someone in mind who would not only be happy to take it for the knowledge (she can "get around", but has massive gaping holes - she didn't know how to make a bookmark), I imagine she would be more than happy to discuss any concerns about it. She also happens to have a background in proof-reading, I think.

I was under the impression that the M$ stuff was comprised of individual modules. You may not be able to claim "MSCE", but not only are do they offer many different certifications, but you could also complete individual modules. Since your course is on Windows, I agree M$ is obvious one to do, but maybe there are other ones too. Frankly, I sometimes wonder if you could just stick random letters behind your name (Mr. Kamex AWT KED PLKA). Anyrate, you never really explained why you need the cert to begin with.

As always, the Inventor is spot on. That, and I may be biased in that I like the guy....

To reinforce what he's stated: In my laboratory (University) I use a cryocut instrument to cryogenically slice brain tissue after extraction at 30 micrometers. Cryocut malfunctions predictably. The technical manual is written in German. I speak English, my advisor is Dutch (speaking no German), and my co-worker (post-doc researcher) is from Zimbabwe, speaking 4 African languages. No matter; I follow the pictures. Actually, I'm not an instruction manual person. With mechanics, or lab instrumentation, etc. there is a pattern. Our kind are remarkably good at knowing patterns. I think once you get this down, you'll be fine Kamex. Don't bother with the instructions. I am the designated 'mechanic' because I'm not accustomed to a leisurely lifestyle where one just buys a new one when the old one breaks! I'll bet the Inventor has duct tape in every color at home (except maybe teal - inside joke).

The cryocut is functioning well. First, my advisor contacted the Cryocut Crisis Line - some guy named Bob (not kidding) in Seattle, WA. Bob's Cryocuts 'N Toasters. "Just step away from the Crycocut, disconnect the power source. Don't do anything rash. I'll talk you through it."

Hard to fix instrumentional in Interior Alaska from Seattle. Cryocut just needed sautering (microswitch thingy), hydraulic fluid check, and don't touch the transducer! We replaced the in-series fuses, tested with an Ohm meter. Nothing really magical. You'll be fine Kamex. Remember you (sort-of) own the road. Well, no, but you can pretend. Driving 75 is just fine, provided it's not the wrong way down a one-way street.

[ok - no one look: PM to Inventor from Lab Pet, did you get the mailing tube? Thank you....my research thanks you too.]

And as far as your dad's harassment, I like the line from Bull Durham: "C'mon! It's your old man. He's as full of s**t as everybody else". Or something like that.

If you fail at one cert, try another until you find one that works for you. I flunked out of engineering and got an associate's degree for programming. I spent over 20 years enjoying it. Being sentient does have its perks.

If you fail the test, simply take it again. I had to tell my brother the same thing after he failed the MCSE and he thought his life was over. It's just a test. If you take it the first time and fail, at least you'll know what questions are on it for the next time. Don't give up. You passed your driver's test, so you can do this, too.

In regard to your fear of driving, I can empathize. Around ten years ago, I would have terrible panic attacks when I would driver over 55mph and especially when coming down from the mountains. I'd be the slow one poking along at 35mph, with one eye always on the 1,000-foot drop only inches away from the right side of the car. What seemed to work for me was to hold my breath and count to fifteen, and kept doing that until the panic subsided. You're still new to driving, but after a few years, it will become second-nature to you and you'll be able to keep up with everyone else. I still have a problem with mountain-driving, but that's only because I have a fear of heights that refuses to go away. I just make my husband drive then, LOL.

Best wishes,

Jillian

This is the sort of encouragement I needed. I needed someone to give me confidence without denying reality, and I guess other aspies can understand that. I think it is true that the driving is merely something I have to be patient with and give it time.

Just want to clarify two things, because I wrote that post when I was very tired. The first is that I STARTED writing the course about a year and a half ago, and have been trying to get it tested for 6 months - there was no year-long period of doing nothing. The second is that the point of the certification was not so I could get the sort of job the cert qualifies me for, it was to prove that I'm qualified to be teaching the course. I did consider getting such a job as a backup if the course idea doesn't work out, but the primary reason is for the course. When I can't understand the material, it's not causing a fear that I won't be able to handle myself on the job, it's a fear that I'm not going to be able to acquire the cert and that I'll have trouble selling my course. To be honest, I really don't see myself opening up a computer and working on the insides, even once I have the right knowledge - I'd just be too nervous about it. While all the extra knowledge I have to learn to get this cert is enlightening and interesting, it isn't itself necessary. I just need SOMETHING to prove I know something other than my own claims.

It would be rather useless to post the course here because it requires an account and this account must be manually created. However, if there is anyone on here who has Windows XP and might find this course interesting, they are more than welcome to PM me and we'll see what can be arranged. As for this person, if she is a Windows XP user, then I'd be more than happy to have her take my course. My AIM name is kamex250, my yahoo name is kamex250, and my Windows live id is kamex(at)live.com. Please contact me via IM or private messages if she decides she wants to try this.

I hope things improve with you soon!

I sometimes feel that way at times especially as it pertains to social scenarios or should I simply word it in in a more straightforward fashion.. Dating one could say.Anyways, this is all that I can say at this moment without bothering anyone.

Signed,
Professor

You're not bothering anyone, ProfessorX. One should feel free to post one's opinion.

Best wishes,

Jillian