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Don't know why I'm bothering to post here as I know nobody gives a toss. I've noticed too many short sentimental superficial comments. I'll just use this post as a reference point for how low my life was. That's not to guarantee it'll be used as a reference in the distant future, not even tomorrow.

I've been in depression for so long, and I think I reached some sort of climax in ultimate misery today. Why am I depressed? I've thought hard about why and I know it's because of my AS symptoms. I also have another serious medical problem, but AS is the one that causes all my major problems. I am unable to socialise, multitask and think like normal people. I get no respect instead people assume I’m stupid, and most of the time they have good reason because of my slow verbal processing and my clumsy body language. I come across meek/weak to others and know that I am. I have low self esteem and it's justified. I'm just a born loser.

For a person with AS I haven't done badly in terms of academia and job wise. I graduated from a top university with top honours after battling years of abuse throughout school and uni and now make a lot of money at my current job. I guess these successes have increased my expectations. High expectations are a dangerous thing for a person with AS, a person destined to significantly lower them. People think money is the key to happiness, let me tell you that's BS. You also need people to respect you, friends and family to love you and for your enemies to fear you. You need to feel you can grow, that you can overcome your weaknesses - with AS you can't. This fact has been dominating my mind.

I've studied Autism and possible treatments but there is nothing out there. Just BS charlatans selling something and the exaggerations of desperate/greedy/resentful parents. The brain is hardwired and there is no way to fix it. It's such a massive handicap.

When I think how much AS can handicap a person, the likelihood of them suffering most of their life - I'm all for early detection and euthanasia of Autistics. It's the humane thing to do. It's why I've never wanted children, for fear of them being Autistic. I don't want to ignite an argument in this thread so just ignore this, but I feel it's right that I confess this. You probably hate me for admitting this, but I don't care.

It's not all misery. I enjoy walking and cycling, listening to music, playing chess and solving puzzles. I enjoy using the internet, my computer and my small technology obsessions. I like being on my own and meditating. I like helping other people (although people take advantage of my kind nature). These don't compensate for the negative crap that happens to me.


I want to end my life and I have a plan in mind. The only thing stopping me is knowing how my mother will feel when I'm gone. I love my mother so much. I can see why people who suffer take the lives of their loved ones when they want an exit.

I'm tired and that's all I want to say for now. I might continue later.

Because you hope someone will. Hope is a stronge force, very hard to kill off completely, even in the depts of depression. As for the hating you part: I simply don't know you well enough to hate you. Indeed the only feeling your post inspires in me is pitty, not so much for your problem as for the fact that you think you are beyond help. I know that my pitty will not do much to help you, but I am going to try never the less. Now I know that you believe in what you are saying in your post, but you are wrong! Don't think I am patronizing you here, but I have dealt with enough depressed people to know that what they think they can and can not do, is leagues from what they can actually do, when forced to it. I refuse to believe that anyone is "a born loser" any problem can be solved with determination, I speak from personal experience here.
What people assume does not matter (And I know that it seems like it does, but as I said before you are wrong!) you are not stupid, and don't let anyone say otherwise. And as for your poor social skills, how hard are you trying to socialize? You may very well be trying too hard. Let it come naturally, and don't stress. You may also reconsidder the people you socialize with, some people just aren't made to be your friends, you can't expect to meet someone who is right without going through some wrong ones first.
Not being able to multitask? I haven't ever meet any male who could. And why would you wan't to do a million things at the same time anyway? It is so much more fun to really get into what you are doing, to be able to concentrate completely.
You blame Asperger's for the way you are feeling. I know that it is so convenient to have something to blame for all your problems. I have AS, and I have had my fair share of depressions, but AS was not an excuse for me not to better myself, it only seemed that way when things looked the darkest. I pulled through, and so can you, but only if you stop placing blame and start solving your problems!
AS can only handicap a person if he is of the right (or rather the wrong) mentality, faith and willpower has the power to overcome any suffering, no matter what the source.
I can ramble on all night here, but I think I have made my point already. My point ofcourse being not that you are wrong, but that you can get better if you try (Then try harder!)
I think you should talk to a proffesional, there is only so much forum posters can do.

I hope you get better (Try harder!)

I relate to what you are saying but so long as there are some moments of enjoyment then it is worth sticking around. I have to reexamine my perspective periodically and decide what should be important to me instead of focusing on what I feel I will never be allowed to achieve.

I always liked the line from Jude the Obscure when he is feeling devastated by the side of the road and says 'nobody came because nobody ever does'. Though I think sometimes when people do come we still can't see them because of our tears.
Thoughts of suicide are a desire for change and there are better, less permanent ways to change. If you have not tried all forms of living from bag-lady to monk then you have no real proof death is better than life.

I'm not going to give you a line of superficial crapola, because I've been in your shoes (still am, probably) and I know that there is nothing any other person can say to pull you out of the pit of depression. You have a lot more to be thankful for than I do - at least YOU have a good-paying job. I did too, once, but now I have to settle for what I can get as some person in India does the same thing I do for less than a quarter of what I was paid. Sucks, though, doesn't it? How does one go on, especially with AS compounding the problem? The answer is simple - you just keep going on. Appreciate what you have and find an interest outside of yourself, something to believe in. With a firm goal in your life, all else becomes insignificant. Who the H*ll CARES what other people think of you, anyway? The only person you have to impress in your life is you, period. You're right, I probably don't really give a care about anyone else, but I and a few others here did stop to comment, so at least we noticed your predicament. There's always that.

hi alexbeetle, i have been wondering where you have been, its good to see you again.