How to avoid infatuation at university.

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Last year I had an intense infatuation with a girl that attended my highschool. At the end of the year, she graduated and moved on to university. I stayed in highschool for a fifth year. Now, I am looking for a university to go to. My problem: the university I would like to go to my crush is going to. But do to problems I had with her, which she may or may not have forgotten, I dont know if I could ever go out with her. I am worried about my infatuation returning if I attend the same university. Most of all, I am compelled to go to the university in hopes this girl will go out on a date with me. What should I do? There's a second university in town that I can go to. Should I go to that instead and forget about the infatuation with the girl that will most likely never materialize into a relationship?

Most of all, Ive been having this thought of her having sex with other guys thats really bugging me. Why would that even concern me? Thanks

P.S. This is in tha Haven section because it's a cause of severe anxiety for me and I wish it would stop.

Try your best not to let it affect your decision either way, and go to the school you think would be best for you.

How big is the university? Most are on a much larger scale than high schools, to the point where your chances of running into her are slim to nil. You might catch her out of the corner of your eye once in an entire year.

Secondly, it's a change of scene either way. The surroundings will be new to you, meaning they won't be tied in with memories you have of your past infatuation. This'll make it easier to notice other girls (of which there'll be plenty) regardless of where you end up going.


edit: I know how you feel, though. When I was getting ready to transfer to a four-year, I had the occasional fantasy about going to the same university where my ex went, crossing paths, and re-establishing some connection. These thoughts didn't do me a lick of good, though. Even if I had ended up going there, I probably wouldn't have seen him unless I made a conscious effort to find out where he would be on campus at a certain time and show up there. But most people refer to this as "stalking" and frown on it deeply.

Does this girl lead you on? If she saw you at uni, would she come and talk to you and get your head spinning?

Pobody--I love your name (you took it from Marge's clever cap, right?) and welcome!

Praetor--FPK is right, you shouldn't go to university just because of a girl, even if you did have a chance with her, and it sounds like you don't.
Go to whichever university suits your academic interests, if any.

No, she didn't lead me on.

Why don't you tell us more about your previous experiences with this girl, that might put things into perspective.

K.

About a year and a half ago we were in the same class. I had been in her class before and didn't know much about her until the second time we were classmates. She asked me during the first week of school where a book in the library could be found. We began tochat a little more after that. I wasthe class representative for student council meetings and she asked me if I had ever donee that before. Twice I asked if I could sit with her and her friends during group work and she agreed. However, one day her male friend made a joke about me (maliciously or not I now doubt) but at the time I took it the wrong way. I thought she wasstarting to get romantically involved with this student, so I retailiated by sending her a message over MySpace calling her a b***h and a slut. I know I was in the wrong, but I was alot less mature then, remember this is now nearly two years ago. I also had a pushing incident with her because she believed I was staring at her too much in class and when shewalked off after confronting me I got a little pissed off and gave her a short shove. I regret ever having done that. I have not spoken to her since November 2006, and that's a long time to let things pass over. I have found her account on Facebook, should I send her a message?

No, I wouldn't send her a message, or contact her ever again.
I don't think it's the actual actions you took (ie calling her a slut or pushing her), incidents like that can be written off in themselves. (Although it was really immature, and I doubt she's forgotten it.) But it's your motivations that are scary.
Why should you get jealous if she's romantically involved with other guys? You weren't even dating her, in fact you barely knew her. She doesn't owe you anything.
I don't see any reason why this woman should want to get involved with you. And what do you want from her, anyway? Seriously, ask yourself that. Maybe you just want to atone for past mistakes, and you need some sort of forgiveness or reassurance from this woman. But that's not going to happen, instead, we should learn from our mistakes and move on. Look to the future, not the past.

So the best advice I can give is to try and improve your life, and then try and meet other women.

I did a Senior Project at Uni on Limerence.

Merle

Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses "having a crush" on (or infatuation with) someone else although limerence, unlike a crush, can last months, years or even a lifetime.
It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.

Unlike English, many other languages have traditional terms to denote limerence, like in German Verliebtheit or Russian влюблённость (vlyublyonnost); both expressions may roughly be translated to “fallen-in-love-ness”.


Love involves concern for the other person's welfare and feeling, while limerence does not require it, although it can certainly be incorporated.

Affection and fondness exist only as a disposition towards another person, irrespective of whether those feelings are reciprocated, whereas limerence demands return.
Physical contact with the object is neither essential nor sufficient to an individual experiencing limerence, unlike one experiencing sexual attraction.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) thrives on open communication and known mutuality of feelings and is mostly seen as a positive bonding experience, while limerence can dissipate once reciprocity is established, and is characterized by uncertainty and anxiety. New Relationship Energy also carries implications of active contrast with relationships in different stages, while limerence does not.

Limerence can be longer-lived than transient forms of romantic feelings such as infatuation and puppy love, enduring for months, or even years in the absence of knowledge about reciprocity.

more
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Merle

So, in your opinion, am I a horrible, psycho person?

crushes come and go, but what you do in college stays with you the rest of your life. Go to college for what you want to do with your life, or the place that gives you the best opportunity to find that out.

I don't know if it's changed since I was in college, but the moment she gets there, she'll be around older college guys, who know the score, and are just waiting for her (and every other freshman girl).

You, on the other hand, will be a freshman guy. Slim pickins the first year, no matter what the situation (I went to UNC-G, a 'girls school', and still struck out that year... It's a very uneven playing field. You'll have some chances to meet a lot more women that you do in high school, so there may be someone else that actually works out better. It's time to explore things between partners, date, hook up, whatever, so don't tie yourself down.

And each of the next 3 years, there'll be a whole new crop of freshmen girls who will be increasingly impressed by mature guys...so hang in there.

I already gave you my opinion, based on what you said. So why don't you think about the situation in a logical way, rather than stooping to childish name-calling?

About a month and a half ago, I tried making amends with a former girlfriend and just regular friend. It failed horribly....
I wouldn't recommend it. You'd probably just make her angry.

ah, you have realized a great truth. It is the rare relationship that can go from intimate to 'just friends.' Matter of fact, most people RELY on having negative feelings about those former intimates so it can burn out the tender feelings they once had for the other.


been there, done that,
got the wedding gowns to prove it,

Merle

I think you probably do owe her something like send her some sort of a written apology/gift and then leave it at that. Dont expect anything back at all. It wouldnt matter if she likes it or not and can never forgive you but I am sure it will make her feel a little better if she knew you didnt mean what you said. Be sure to only look for reconciliation.

I have decided to try and steer away from her, even if that means going to a diff university. Tomorrow is the open house for the university she attends, and I may find that I don't even like it.

I hope that I'll be able to start a new life come the fall. My biggest concern is I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be the 40=something year old virgin. I want to have a girlfriend, quite desperately. I am really feeling lonely right now.