I Don't Want To Play

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Well, as usual I expect my post to get like 43 views and maybe one to three responses. But I want to vent anyways.

I live with my parents, I get out this summer but for now I have to bare it. I like many with AS don't like to be touched I also don't like to be played with when I don't want to play. However, my dad on the other hand feels entirely different. If he wants to joke and play, I should totally get into his mood and play along. But I just don't. He think it is funny to order me around or joke like it, but he really wants me to do it and gets mad when I don't do it. And it isn't even anything necessary, it is stuff like "Go get me ice cream." or "Give me seventy-five dollars for (so and so)". He yells at me like it is a joke. I know he wants me to come to him, but I decided to actually impliment some assertive communication skills by counselor encourages, I replied with, "I am currently doing something right now, but if you want me to go up there right now all you have to do is ask nicely." They seem to think this is all a joke. I eventually went up stairs after cleaning my windshield. And my dad was all "Come here." So I went. "Come here closer," he said. I knew what he was going to do, he was going to grab me and play and whisper so close in my ear feeling his hot breath against my ear. Ugh! I said "I don't feel like playing. I don't want to play. Just tell me what you want." "No come here closer, haha I am not going to do anything. I just want to tell you something I only want you to hear." yeah right, my mom was there watch us while she read a book he kept looking over to her smiling, like "watch what I am about to do to her." Yeah, there was no other way to get out of the situation I go closer and he grabbed me I tried to say "No I don't want to play let me go!" But no he pulled and pulled me. Then finally he got me on his lap and whispered so close in my ear "I want a jalapeno burger." Then let me go.

I was fuming, I knew it. I thought I clearly told him I wasn't in the mood to be played with. I didn't want to play. and my mom yelled at me while I was getting ready in the bathroom, if I was upset, I said yes. So when I got out. My parents were so somber and pissed. My dad basically said that he NEVER told his dad not to do something to him, and that he felt like I was completely selfish, that everything was all about me, that when I want something I will beg for it, and that he feels totally dispresected. Then he told me to leave. My mom had the same feeling. Like I totally step out of line and I should have played along even though I didn't want any part of it. That my dad wasn't doing anything wrong and that everything is about me and never about them.

And basically I felt crushed, and I just left as I planned to do. So I hung out with my boyfriend and told him about he and he understood, and what he said was "I understand, but it is his house. He runs it like he wants. That is why I left home so I can live like I want." So I had to rush over to chili's as they were closing to get that stupid jalepeno burger to have a sort of apology. And I get home and I give it to him. And then later he says without even looking at me. "Oh yeah, I don't want this." So I just threw it away, I don't even eat meat. They say that I am completely selfish and that I disrepect them so much. My whole life was defined by how they viewed me. I didn't interact with people outside of them for years, I am twenty now, but no play dates, few sleepovers, and the constant criticism I am not doing enough as if I don't have school to do and work to do, as if I choose not to clean my bathroom because I am just lazy and have absolutely nothing else in my life. As if I am not trying to be better. I am seeing a counselor, I am taking medication, I am trying to talk with them more. I am trying to be better. And they don't care they don't see, all that I have worked for can just be taken away with a comment like I am selfish and that they are ashamed that the raised me to be the way that I am. I realize that I can't be who they want me to be, but can't they hide the fact that they don't like me?

MY PARENTs,mainly my dad would never be happy with me,,,what ever i did i was in the wrong,when i was younger i hated when he was home,,as i alweays felt that he was about to shout me down or tell me off for something i didnt do,or did do.

life moves on.past is past,i know its difficult.but if they are not gonna change,why bother,just move on..you only live once.

It is really disturbing me since my dad is the most reasonable one between my parents, I can talk to him more, but at times like these he makes me feel the most shame.

Yeah you only live once, and I am trying to live, just that others don't feel that your life is in accordance with their perspective of a good life. Bleh. People suck alot.

So yeah my prediction was correct! if you count my post it lies right in the average between one and three responces. Am I psychic or just jaded?

You are not to blame. You are 20 now, your parents should KNOW you by now. They should know your likes and dislikes to a "T". Im sorry that you are having to deal with selfish parents. They are putting their needs before yours it seems.

And by the way, I am a parent myself. I have 2 kiddos, son is 5 nonverbal autistic, and a NT 2 1/2 yo girl. I do my best as a parent to let them be who they are, and help then become the best they can be.

Have you tried to bring them in on a "family" session with your counselor?

Yeah, they really should know, but I don't think they want to know that I am someone else they expect me to be. It is like they have convinced themselves that I am this other person and nothing I say will make them think any different. Presents are the worst, last Christmas I got these god awful shirts that my mom probably bought near the checkout line at Sam's Club, I don't think she realized that I only wore those kinds of shirts when I was like 12 or 11 and that was pretty much because I had no choice in buying what I wanted. Also I got a necklace, and I just don't wear jewlery. They don't even believe that I have AS, which is another big problem.

About a family session with my counselor, I don't think that will end well. My mom will be the big problem most likely. They want to keep every problem in the family and they act like everything is perfect in public. My mom will probably demonize me or just say I have no idea why she is here and say that everything is fine. My mom has issues of her own that have never been dealt with. THe last few sessions with my counselor have all been about my mom, it is like she is being analyized. My mom says that she walks on eggshells around me waiting for how I am going to react, when in reality I have no idea what will set her off. Me looking for a fork, or eating something I have cooked. I have no idea if that will set of off to say how much I haven't done around the house or how lazy I am, or if she will just be nice. She wants to send me off to get treatment, to get me to "act right" and says that I can't function. So yeah. I really need to get out of the house, I just need to figure out a way to cope until I do.

Things are just getting worse. I realized that my parents don't want to know me when my mom told me that my dad was heartbroken that I didn't want to be touched and that I should pretend to enjoy it from now on. I want to claw off my skin.

I know you have prob already tried this but can you try to explain to them how the sensation of touch really makes you feel? You prob have numerous times before, but maybe just ask them why they are not listening to you? Not everyone is the same, and they should honor your wishes. I know they are your parents, and that is what is making this so hard for me to comprehend.
Im sorry that they dont understand you, or that they dont believe that you have AS. Do they think that you have a choice to be NT or AS? It was the way you were made, dont let them make you feel like you are the crazy one. Just keep your head up high, and just know that you will be out on your own someday. And just maybe when that time comes, your relationship with your parents will get better.

Umm... i know this is going to sound bad.... but has it occured to you that your dad is borderline abusive?

especially when what he is getting upset about is not being able to touch you.... he finds excuses to get you close enough so he can grab you...

you are aware of being uncomfortable when he whispers in your ear... that isn't just a sensory thing....

next time just flat refuse... and stick to it... don't say you don't want to play, because that is part of the game, just say no... if he presses the issue, leave the room... you are 20... there is no reason he should still be doing "games" like that... it's a phase that should have stuck to the 8-9 year old level then went away...

especially if you don't like doing it... tell him to act like an adult... or don't, that might make him mad... adults don't grab people and whisper in their ears...

this has nothing to do with it being his house... doing chores is his house, paying rent is his house... this is a low level of abuse...

I agree with kit000003.

I have never really thought of my dad like that, my mom of course I shut her out a long time ago. But I don't know. My grandfather is like that, want to grab you and play around with you knock you on the head a bit, and my dad is like that, he just wants to play and acts like a child and doesn't know when to stop even when you are yelling stop. It really sucks. Many times when I am frusterated with something and my dad just wants to help and he sits right up next to me and the whole line of our bodies is touching, I guess he thinks that will make me feel better but that is just infuriating. I hate it. But if I said please don't touch me he will get all sad and say "I just wanted to help." It is just him who wants all this contact projecting it onto others so he feels he is free to get it.

About me being born this way and it isn't a choice and why my parents can't understand. My parents think EVERYTHING is a choice. They know I am smart so if I act this way it is a hundred percent my choice. My mom even told me that being depressed is a choice and that I should just snap out of it. They always get angry when I am sad or upset. I feel like in this household sadness, anger and frustration are not acceptable emotions for me. As if they have more emotions and feelings than me and what ever I feel is just a shadow of the well of feeling they have. I am not a real person to them. I don't feel like a real person. To them I do nothing but exist for them I think. My mom keeps all of these things "for me" saying that thinks that I will want them for my daughter of to fix up my house so she keeps them without even asking me if I even like it or want it or anything. She gives away my stuff too at times. Today I saw some VHS tapes she was selling at thrift shop, things like Home Alone 2 or Meet the Parents and I was just thinking that it would be nice that she would ask me if I wanted them still. Once she threw away my tongue scraper saying she thought I didn't use it when I use it everyday. I had to buy a new one, and my mom didn't even apologize. She expects me to apologize and when I was trying to explain, I clearly said I didn't want to play, I am not in the mood, don't do it, and they are surprised that I am upset when they do it anyway, even if I didn't have AS, there is something wrong with that situation. When I tried to explain she said "Oh and you are STILL defending yourself." So yeah, I can't wait to leave.

Nothing much you can do. Apart from things that would probably get you thrown in gaol for life.

Families suck period.

I guess it is just how they are. Just stay motivated to move out, and just make sure you are financially ready to do so. I know you are mentally and physically ready to move, just make sure you are financially ready to.

I know you will be much better in your own place where you can be yourself, just hold on till then.

There are two main problems here.

1.
You need to explain your father that you experience things with a vastly different perception. But don't "educate" him, or present it in a way that has any sense of reciprocity. No one is entitled to touch you, especially because of AS. The fact that he shares 50% of your genetic material doesn't exempt him from that.

2.
There is a serious feminist concern here. I'm sure that your father wouldn't do something like that to a son. This is sexual intimidation. You're being brought in close to him, against your will so that he can whisper a command in your ear. Close quarters have a subconscious sexual meaning, and he is enforcing them without consent so that he can control you. Him being your father does not exempt him. In fact, it's all the more reason that he shouldn't do stuff like this. I'm sorry but this screams abusive patriarchy at the top of its lungs. And on the off-chance that he brings up identity politics, ask if this is how he would treat a son. Would a son be sexually disempowered in this way?

I guess he doesn't do that to my brother anymore, he always teases me and my mom for obscure reasons that don't even really apply to us, my mom doesn't like his teasing either, but when it comes against me she is all for it. I think my mom likes to play the subversive wife so that she can keep bitching about the injustice and get sympathy but she never says a word to dad and totally plays along or what ever. I think she just likes to see dad against me right now because she is jealous and she wants a common enemy as me so she can be closer to day. But enough about my mom, I really have issues with her.

Yeah I know they want to control me. I have been hanging out with him more, like going to lunches, and with this incident I realize that with all that he thinks that it is okay to do all of this now since I am his little girl again. It feels like they want to absorb me again to fit into this little role of how I am supposed to be. Bleh.

The OP's story scared me, as it would anyone else in the world.

There is something seriously wrong with your dad, I mean seriously wrong. It's not just wierd, it's sickely perverted. Grown men do not hold/grab/touch their daughters, or any other young women/girls, like that. It is nothing short of perverted. That's a sick game of power with blatently obvious sexual overtones (assuming you are not exaggerating).

The sitting on the lap thing is the dead giveaway. I'm sorry you are in that situation.

Oh. My. God.

Honey, you are not over-reacting. Your father is acting really creepy toward you. I would kind of understand if you were a little girl...but you're 20 for god's sake. What if some other dude did that to you? You could sue for sexual harassment. But your father thinks it's okay?

Your family is dysfunctional and nothing you do will change that. Just stick up for yourself and don't worry about what your parents think of you. Your mother's too f-ed up to be your advocate if she thinks you should just take that shite. Sometimes, we have to be our own parent.