Conversations with my friend

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry for two posts here in a short time...

I'm feeling very bad right now.
Because of a WP thread about hurtful things people say, I told my friend that I didn't like being called childish or being asked if a meltdown was "worth it." I asked him to use other phrases (not synonyms) and even suggested one or two. He got angry and told me that if I set limits like that, he would eventually not be allowed to point anything out to me and I would just keep on going in my own world.
When I explained that hearing those things was so hurtful that I would shut down and wouldn't gain anything from the conversation, that if I wasn't already in meltdown mode that would definitely encourage me there, he told me that he didn't really trust or believe that. He said that what he said was accurate, and he had a hard time believing that I, as a 22-year-old adult, didn't have the self-control to hear a phrase and just ignore it. (Wait, you just told me that you said those things so that I would take notice of them and therefore change? Now you want them ignored?)

How can I explain that no, meltdowns and similar behavior are not in my control? And that yes, maybe I'm acting childish, but I have a diagnosed delay - and I am working on it and don't need to be hurt in the meantime? He'll say I am just using AS as an excuse and that I can't do that in the "real world." Should I even bother trying?

I guess I should never have said anything in the first place, but I think the issue would just get worse... he is very understanding about things that are minor to him (sensory issues, etc.) but not so much for the things that are more significant to him (he doesn't believe I can't just "fix," I guess).

sorry to hear it

what makes up your friendship with him?

Just curious. If the two of you are having this much difficulty in dealing with your AS, then are there other things connecting you two together that make the relationship worth continuing?

Again, I'm just curious... not trying to make a statement about anything.

Yes... I think so.
We enjoy a lot of the same things and have many similar hobbies. We help each other out a lot (whether by small favors like rides or big things like getting houses clean and lives organized). We have many mutual friends and we usually enjoy spending time together with or without those friends. We challenge each other to do difficult things. And we have both had good effects on one another's lives so far (I have become a lot more self-confident and have learned to eat more healthily; he has become a lot more organized and has improved some of his ADHD/anger traits).

I guess it is just that this one thing is so hard that it is making me feel like giving up trying to explain, making me wonder if I wouldn't just be better off dropping close friendships and only trying to maintain casual ones.

in any case i dont think that he is trying to open his eyes enough

recently i had a feeling with my psycologist that she would sometimes not really try to listen to me or what i was trying to express and turn my words on me to try to motivate or challenge me

and i dont think that she would anknowledge this concern too strongly until she found out that she had become involved with my nightmares


im 23 years old and i dont ever try to "use AS as an excuse" for anything but anyone thats known me well would say that i act like a child. and i dont really know how to deal with people talking to me kinda mean or even not mean but like im doing something wrong when im trying to do right..i freak!

it can be a very overwhelming feeling

Seems sad to let a friendship with so many good qualities go... but I can relate to having something override even the positive connections between myself and others.

Sometimes I think if a person knows they have their own limitations which heavily impact their lives, they have a hard time dealing with other people's issues.

Not sure if that made sense...

If your friend has ADD/HD and anger issues, then maybe his admission of his own problems keeps him from being very sympathetic to your problems.

Is that any better?

I feel like I have been too short on patience with other people sometimes, yet I want everyone else to understand that I have my own issues and I am trying to do better.
Actually, sometimes I feel resentful that I have my issues and that I, or others, think of myself as needing to be 'fixed'.

All this plays out in my relationships with people. I try to recognize it when I let these things get in the way.

Not saying that's what your friend is doing... just that I find this to be a possibility.