Anorexia & Asperger's, food question.

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I'm not sure how appropriate this post is on this forum. I have been debating with myself for quite some time whether I should ask here or at my livejournal. It's difficult to find someone that can give a view from both points. I have decided to go from the basics, and the basics says I've had Asperger Syndrome since I was born and thus, I should first assume my behaviours has been rooted in this.

I have been participating in regaining mental and physical health from Anorexia Nervosa. It's a struggle which I'm tired of. I have gained a lot of weight in a year's time, but am still considered medically Anorexic according to the criteria and my Body Mass Index. I am uncomfortable in my skin. One of the things the past year has made me do is to think back to my childhood a lot, and I think about the comments I recieved from my father about being Anorectic when I was a child. I know my issues with food started early, but I also know that there has always been one part that has been rooted in my Eating Disorder, and another part that is stemmed from my Asperger's making me sensitive to certain foods. It is my hope that perhaps someone can shed some light on my early childhood thoughts about food and weight, in regards of, is it normal, did I have a problem already, or did it start a bit later like I would personally like to believe.

To start off, I wrote this down a few days ago to analyse:

To elaborate and explain what I mean (since I originally wrote that passage mainly for myself), I have always tried to understand "what I am", and one thing that I was as a child was being thin. It was not so much the other parts as it was something that defined me. And the thing here is that it is very much so now, too. I don't know who I am supposed to be, so I turn to my Anorexia because that gives me a platform at which I belong. It has been suggested I should focus on Asperger's as my platform instead, but I am shy and am obsessed with weight/nutrition/health/eating disorders and various facts of such nature, and have therefore found it easier to connect with similar minds, as opposite to reaching out to those that have Asperger's, because everyone are so unique in a far more dramatic way. I digress. Point being, I've always wanted to be able to define myself and haven't known how to. That I felt like I was supposed to be thin as a child is similar to my later thoughts of "I'm losing my identity if I gain weight", but is it similar?

I was in denial about my Anorexia for a very long time, and I think one of the reasons this is so is that I have never truly known what normal eating is. It was only after I had lived on approximately three meals a week for many months that I reluctantly admitted that perhaps it wasn't normal and yes, I was Anorexic.

But I weren't quite as aggressive in my approach to food in my childhood. I simply did not eat a lot. And this is when I wonder what parts were the roots of an Eating issue and what was Asperger's. Because I would always refuse what my father made me. Sausages? I didn't like the feeling of it in my mouth because of all the fat in it. How much was fear of fat and how much was Asperger's? I'm really confused and somehow I feel like I want to know. I weren't the person to forget that it was mealtime, it was rather that I didn't care and didn't want food, but it didn't mean I was too concentrated on doing something else. I simply did not want it.

I'm talking a lot and I don't know how much makes sense or if there is something I should add or not. I'm really confused and don't know why this matters so much to me. I hope someone would be able to shed some light on the matter, but if it's not possible, I understand.

I found some of your post difficult to follow, but I'll try to answer your questions as well as I can.

From my relatively short time on these forums, it seems that many of the females here have had (or still have) serious struggles with eating disorders.

I think that a child with Asperger's is more likely to be obsessive and sensitive about sensory perceptions (such as the feeling of their own body, or the sensation of food on their tongue), which can lead to an eating disorder down the line.

It's hard to put your thought processes in clear-cut categories of anorexia vs asperger's syndrome. I would say that your "fear of fat" or need to be thin are obviously classic to sufferers of anorexia- being on the autistic spectrum very probably made you more vulnerable to these obsessions, but these obsessions themselves are not defined as characteristics of Asperger's Syndrome.

Focusing on Asperger's as a platform probably is a good idea for you, especially as you keep mentioning your need to define yourself and your identity. From my experience, defining yourself as an anorexic is always something you should be wary of because it's likely to force you to keep preoccupied with your weight. Defining yourself as an aspie lets you recognize that you have a tendency to be obsessive in ways that are detrimental to you without defining yourself in terms of those obsessions- precisely because we ARE all so dramatically unique in how our traits manifest.


It is late, so I'm not sure if I was able to be very clear either. Feel free to ask if anything I said was confusing.

My whole life (as far back as I can recall), I've loathed most foods. However, I've never been thin-the few items I liked to eat were sufficient to keep me alive & well enough to still walk & talk, after all these years (I still have extremely narrow food tolerances/preferences).

Growing up, no one (incl. me) knew what to make of my behavior, so they assumed it must be anorexia or something similar-we didn't have any other ideas of what it could be, not having heard of AS (I grew up in the 70's). I read books about anorexia, bc. I figured that must be what I had, so I might as well learn how to be one. Didn't stick, I couldn't restrict my intake, the majority of foods I do like tend to be sweets. Also, wanted to be thin-figuring that might make people (other kids) like me-but I couldn't follow dietary rules (in fitness books).

So, I can understand how ASD and an eating disorder could be mixed up or be present (co-occur) in a person. My "eating disorder" is hypersensitivity to sensory qualities of most foods, but that wasn't an available label or paradigm for what I was going thorugh when I was younger. I was just called "blame-full" words like willful, obstinate, picky, fussy, etc. and believed those things to be true of me, since I had no alternate explanation. Knew I wasn't doing it (refusing most foods) to be difficult-but since no one believed me, I had no way to proclaim/prove my version to be so. It's only been in past few years that I've been dx'd ASD & subsequently learned about sensory processing & modulation disorders, which sound much more like what I've been experiencing all this time.

I too had a problem with food obsession for a while - it started when I was 18 and unhappy at university, unable to make any friends. I never had a problem at all with food before this time. I was anorexic for a short while, but managed to get back to a reasonable (although severely controlled) weight on my own, but for years after that I was obsessed with what I did or did not eat.

I know what you mean about defining yourself as anorexic too. As a teenager I think its necessary to define yourself as something and mine was depression. In fact I would beat myself up if I didnt feel depressed because I felt I should be all the time as that was my (only) identity (literally as depression takes away a lot of my personality). Luckily I got over that one and started to identify myself as being a bit quirky and food obsessed (had no idea about AS then).

But there is hope. I have known several people who have been anorexic for a long time and who have recovered enough to eat pretty much what they want to and be a healthy weight. For me I had to control my weight gain myself (ie for the next month I will eat an extra 200 calories per day - and getting excited about this extra thing I could eat each day). I could never have recovered if I was forced to gain weight by someone else. If you really need to control your eating then I would suggest doing it the way I did. Getting yourself up to the minimum healthy BMI slowly by regulating an increase in calories each few months and then you can stay there. You will still be really thin. After a few years you might care less about food (I gradually put on weight but Im still really thin - maybe BMI of 19 or 20 instead of the 18 minimum) and be more relaxed about it. I think it helps also if you can prepare the food yourself, then you know exactly what you have put into it and how many calories it contains. I also got a bit worried about having brittle bones because of being too thin - I think its important to weigh enough that you get your period regularly.
Even if you manage to gain weight, you can still keep your identity as an ex-anorexic (youve still gone through all the experience of it, and what's more come out the other side), but I think it would be better to have an AS identity as it is a lot healthier and we have this great community here - even if we are all very different. I hope that this helps and good luck.

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