I hate the Symptoms of AS

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I hate it, I feel like it's taken over opportunities that would've happened. It's like being stuck in glue. I don't even like being alone but I am b/c I'm Miss antisocial. It's like I'm just existing and for what? I try to accept it but it seems the more I accept it the more I hate it. I don't know what's going to happen to me in the future. I just hate being this way. I drank to compensate for it and now I can't b/c of all the crap I've pulled on ppl.

I hear you.

What gets me are the choices that the disorder takes away; I have the mind of a "normal" person in many ways, but I also have this part that says to me that I cannot do these things or else you will kill yourself from the pain it induces as I constantly try and try to do "normal" things; go to college, try and talk to people (I don't really want to know people, but it'd be nice to share my ideas in an academic setting), fail, fail and fail, again and again. I try to go and enjoy the bookstore, but I "meltdown" in short order and I run away; I try to build model vehicles, but I smash them up into tiny pieces as they're never perfect to me. I cannot think of anything but my narrow interest (academic pursuits for example, so I'm an uneducated, but walking fact spouter); my attention span is a second, if that for things outside of such. In addition, my "dream" job, they won't take me because I have AS.

I cannot drink the pain away for the simple fact that I'm immune to its effects (one of those symptoms of AS that not everyone has).

I've been called antisocial too! It's not that I dislike other people, I just don't warm up quickly, especially to those I see only once or twice a year. I have learned that living with roommates can create problems that I don't have when I'm living alone. Now I can venture out to see who I want whenever there's some advantage to it. I have also learned to not be in a hurry to get into very involved relationships. Other people can have hidden problems in which I don't need to get mixed up. My pickiness has kept me out of relationships.

Drinking is fun, but I find myself compensating for the loss of inhibitions, so it doesn't catalyze things with other people. I don't bet $100 on a pool game or get into a bar brawl no matter how drunk I get. I suppose that's a good thing. I still feel the effects, though.

I don't drink because there are a ton of drunks in my family, tried pot once....but I became boring and logical (friend described it as "My god, you are normal on pot...how sad")
I found that making Aspie friends IRL helps, but it takes more time than most friendships to develop..but they last longer and have more meaning.

I don't believe in a greater "meaning" so I won't say you were put here for a reason. You ARE the reason. Life is an end in itself. And the pursuit of your own happiness is your moral purpose. All else derives or contributes to these facts.

As for AS: You are who you are. You have a neurobiological disorder that makes some things tougher for you than for others. It sucks, I know. But theres nothing to do for it except to defeat what needs defeating. Acquiescing to that which needs acquiescing. And learning to know the difference.

It's a love/hate relationship for me. It gets in my way sometimes, but then it creates opprotunities because my lack of social cues lets me ask questions that most people are scared to ask, giving me more knowledge. I also find that my honesty (when honed to a somewhat approprate level) makes me friends because it's refreshing for them to get an actual honest opinion
I won't go into the stuff I hate about my Aspergers because I'm in a somewhat good mood today. I'll edit this post when I'm in a worse mood

Reading both of the above posts are rather comforting. Thanks guys!

You mean me as one of the posts? If so, I'm happy to help
Aspergers is a struggle sometimes, but there are so many rewards. We become stronger people, we learn to be less judgemental, and we are honest (in general for all the points )!
I think those are good things that are sprinkled in our lives

Quoth the Clinton "I feel your pain." I grew-up with AS not knowing I had it. My parent's had some idea I was "off" but are very "no excuses" people. They always told me "you're just like your Grandpa" which was not such a good thing to be at my house. So I was raised like a norm and forced to participate in most norm activities even though I struggled with them mightily. When I was withdrawn, I was usually safe, but when I "put myself out there" as everyone kept pushing me to do, I would usually offend somebody without meaning to. For most of my childhood I feared the future because I feared participating in the present.

Just being diagnosed this year at the age of 36 has made me realize that as tough as it was, being raised as a norm was a tremendous asset, like bootcamp in many ways. I live my life like a norm in most ways and am happy most of the time. I've learned to internalize many norm behaviors through emulation. I've found that important traits like empathy can actually be learned, even though it takes many, many years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is struggle. You have to struggle to survive.