Deformed mass of flesh

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I have a friend here in the forum I want to talk to.

He upset me very badly, and when I expressed this he lashed out and became very creepy. He seemed upset himself and wanted an apology from me, it seems, for having reacted in the way I did to his transgression.

I do not react well to intimidation. I struck back as venomously as I could.

I know I need someone to talk to. My brain is melting again.

This is how I feel right now (I’ve gotten into trouble for posting images from horror movies on this forum in the past, so I’ll just post a link and warn that it is quite unpleasant. Remove if inappropriate. I just want to see if anyone understands.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DucbRYoIIo

It's a scene that has haunted me for a long time.

Although I’m too numb and spaced out to really care much. I’m sick of struggling against my own negativity.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can’t slay this monster.

So, it isn’t all bad.

I watched it. I've never seen the movie, though I read about it on wikipedia just now.

I'm afraid I don't understand though...

It's how I feel inside. Malformed and disfigured. Hideously crippled and pained. Unable to walk or fly; just crawl. Trapped in myself.

I shouldn't have read about the film. I overthought it.

I am pretty sure you're not ugly inside, even if you feel crippled. You are here, concerned about how you are, the way you act, the way you seem to others. Really hideous people don't think about that. Yeah, they think about themselves, and so do you ('n' me!) but not in the same way. Hideous people are not trapped within themselves... they are scouting the territory around them, for people to use for their own ends. They are not lost in thought... just conniving.

There's nothing about you that seems ugly like that.

Maybe you're right about being very different. Maybe you can't do what "everybody else" does. I don't know whether this is true or not... I know it's true of me. A lot of things that normal people do with ease, I struggle with or cannot do at all. We're better adapted for different things though.... not inferior. Not necessarily so. The world is full of accidents. Your particular set of traits is no more malformed than anybody else's.

If you feel that there are certain things you'd like to do, but cannot... maybe you can do those things by another means than the standard way.

If you feel that people are expecting things of you that you can't deliver, don't fret. They're wrong to ask it of you. Nobody knows what you are. You come closer than anybody else to knowing that, and not even you can know it fully. Nobody knows what motivations you have, what pressures you're under. They can judge you all day and night, but that doesn't make them right.

Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

one of my favorite songs. tells you that you are beautiful no matter who you are, no matter what people say.

The moment I become strong enough to live normally, to fulfil my obligations to myself, anger at myself returns and I am immediately knocked back down painfully. The only moments I have any respite are when I acknowledge how sick I am and keep myself at a low level; low activity and low expectations of myself.

I'm trapped in a cell. The walls are lined with sentry guns, each with sensors at scanning waist height in a mesh covering the entire spread of the room. I'm safe down here but I can't get up. It hurts when I get up.

I understand. I too got knocked down today and now feel worthless. It's easy for ppl to say buck up when nothings been done to them but it when it comes to you it sucks. I'm still trying to deal with it. This is stupid but I have this quote hanging on my computer that I try to go by. It says, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." Right now I feel like cussing at this person, but I guess it wouldn't go anywhere. You have my sympathy. Oh another one that sounds corny but helps me a little is "This too shall pass." Everyone probably knows that one but it's also kind of helped me.

Ahhh, I love expressing myself in metaphors.

And poor Aridarr...I know what you mean. I've hit rock bottom many times, and when I manage to pick myself up even a little, I just seem to manage to fall even farther. A never ending downward spiral...

Time passes on. I gain more experience. But it never seems to change...I'm always miserable, even when I'm "happy."

I don't know why. I ruin any haven I make in my life...consciously or subconsciously. It's as if any answer I find isn't enough, that no matter how good it feels, it's a lie. Maybe it's because after we've lost everything...we're free to do anything.

Sigh. I just wish I knew what that "anything" is. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't speak it. And so I continue to rot in my own cell...deathly wishing to change something, but being unable to piece all the feelings together.

10,000 days in the fire...soon enough.

What would happen if pushed a kitchen knife into my abdomen?

In Nazi Germany, it was normal to be a Nazi - there is no shame in being different. I don't think you're an evil person, Aridarr and therefore I do not think you should be ashamed.