She's back :'(

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As some of you know, I was in a supported living scheme about 3 years ago, where I was verbaly abused and harassed by one of their staff, BADLY without having to go into details, and ever since I have been having nightmares about her, where she knows I am dreaming and tells me she's "back for more" etc etc, these last 2 nights I have had "dreams" about her trying to rule me again. This has driven me to drinking, drugs, you name it over the last few months, and the only thing I have to prove it is a Codeine addiction and an alcohol problem (alcohol is no longer an imediate issue, but could be very easy to restart) I think maybe 80% of all the problems I have today come from being in that place, people around me tell me to let it go and "move on", but her nightly tourment makes this impossible. I am going mad, becoming an addict and dying from lack of sleep, quite litteraly.

Over and out

oh no! is it possible to transfer to another living situation?

I don't live there anymore, sorry I should have said, I moved out about 3 years ago, this is just the after effects

What else does she do to you in your dreams?

- D

I heard that the brain makes nightmares about the 'dangerous' situation so that it can develope a defense mechanism that will react to anything like it that comes around again. She has been a threat to you. The fact that it still does that, and so often doesn't seem healthy to me. You two may be apart, but it's still getting you as if she was right there. Sorry . No wander you feel crazy.

My oppinion..

"Just let it go" is nonsence. I hope you get better, and that you aren't making excuses in any way for her ugly mouth. No one just 'let's go". It can't be done like that, as I know from having more than enough verbal abuse of my own. Which, mind you, wound up in a different form of self abuse. Punching, rather than drinking.

I believe you have post trautamtic stress...something I think many aspie have do to environmental abuse and bullies.Your use of drugs is your method of self medicationg but unfortunately,it is counter productive as the side-effects of these chemicals may offer some relief but have to many negative side effects in the long run(been ther,done that).

I would suggest you try and set-up some counseling with someone who understands AS and PTSD.I dont recomend "talk therelpies that just seem to reinforce the feeling of being a "victem" but some form of Rational Emotive Therepy(cognitive)I found Effexor very effective for dealing with some(not all)of my depression and anxiety.As long as your going to use chemicals,I think it is better to find some that are targeted for the specific issue.

Nightmares....

There is another technique that some find effective.Lucid dreaming.Not everyone can do this but it's worth trying and does get easier with practice.The end goal is to realize that you are dreaming and take control of the dream.You DO have unltimate control over your dreams when you realize that it is a dream.....Eventually you can create a "super hero" or be one yourself and kick her ass in the dream or better...deny her power....It's similiar to what happened to Neil in The Matrix...shut her mouth with some grown over skin.

I've done pretty much every form of self abuse, cutting, stamping on my feet till they are black and blue, drinking, loads of stuff, most of the time that is in response to something that has been said to me by another person, any form of criticism often results in a wild frenzy of substance use and self injury. I am on a downward spiral into nothing, I have no bottom, just a big black empty hole. I'm so depressed I cry more or less ALL the time, so much so it impeads my being able to do things. It's bad.

What else does she do to you in your dreams?

- D

./

Nothing really, just the things she did to me when it was real lol.

Is there a counselor at the placement that you did trust?I know the hardest thing for me to do when I was depressed was even making a phone call or going to the DR...they dont make house calls any more(to bad for us).Perhaps you can find an aspie group in your area with someone who can help with these "little details" .The catch 22 of being an aspie is destress is that we often dont have the same social support system as NT's.

It probably doesn't seem like you will ever NOT be depressed but I can tell you that I did the same things you are doing and often felt the same things you are describing. It did get better for me but also took a lot of work on my part and a lot of time before I stopped being suicidal(one of my obsessions,unfortunately....wish it had been math or something practicle).

The chemicals you are using are "depressants" they make you feel better in the short run(or you think you feel better)but they have a more deressing effect on your mood in the long run.They are not the cause of your depression....that was already ther but they do ake it worse....You need to consider a longer term solution for dealing with your depression and even though I fought going on anti-depressants,they have helped me "maintain" in an insane world.

Write down a list of small steps.....

who can you count on to help with making appointments to see a socialworker/therepest/DR
if you dont know anyone...how can you find someone

Can you make the call or get someone else to set up an appointment and take you there

Can you find an NA/AA group in your area or make yourself go(it works for some,not others,worth trying if you havent)
Other support groups in your area?

It's great to come here and vent but if you are sick of feeling like crap,it's time to start planning for change,what you are doing is obviously not working well because you are still in pain...now what can you try?

I know it doesn't seem posiable that you will ever feel better but I was the same at your age...everything you described..cutting,crying,response to others cruelty.We are not just hyper sensitive to physical stimula,some of us are as well to mental abuse.

There is help but I know how much energy it takes to try and find it when you are feeling the way you are...it seems to take all our energy just to keep breathing. Are there any counselors at the placement you were in that were helpful to help you find resources,help you get to appointments(I know even making a phone call or going to the DRs seemed more then I could manage when I was depressed.)

Your chemical use is better then commiting suicide....use until you can find a better way to deal with your pain but.....the chemical nature of the drugs you are using are making your depression worse...they ARE depressants!!!They change the chemical make up of your brain and make you more depressed in the long run...ie...they are a short time(and very flawed)solution.

I am 43.I have been there,I never believed I could over come my depression but I have cut it down by 80% and life is never going to be unicorns and butterflies for me but it is "livable" with some pleasure that I never had at your age(unless I was using alcohol,sex,self abuse or drugs)...those things may have helped me in the short term but just extended how long it took me to really get the help I needed. I think some of it was that I did "out grow" some of my depression but I am not sure I understand how that works....just seemd like I did.


Oh...just found the original post I thought was lost in the neither regions...so will post it as well

I can totally empathize with you on this. I was in 6 group homes over 2 1/2 years because in 2005, I could no longer afford my EXPENSIVE apartment that I had at the time, and the Board of MR/DD could not financially assist me if I wasn't in a group home. I was emotionally abused by nearly all the clients and all the staff. I have become very hateful because of it all. The worst abuse I got was in the 5th of the 6 group homes. The woman on staff only knows Ebonics and she's white. She speaks with a n***** accent "because she used to live in Myrtle Beach, SC, USA". She got in my face TWICE the same night yelling at me trying to control my behavior. The second time I took some swings on her. She always made bulls*** a** claims about my condition.

She: When I was Adam's age, I wasn't in a group home using medical reasons not to work.
[then when she was up on the 3rd floor with her boyfriend and his so-called "buddies"]
She: Adam doesn't have no f***ing so-called disability. He's just so f***ing lazy. At least I got offa my f***ing a** & made money. And I wasn't a f***ing prostitute. I wasn't a f***ing this, I wasn't a f***ing that. Adam always acts like he's smarter than everyone else around here and ah'm tard of it.
[end all playbacks]

Stupid w*****! She can't even pronounce the word TIRED right! She can be tard of it all she wants. I *AM* smarter than a house full of ret*ds! Them guys are so childish. Runnin' around actin' like a bunch of little five-year-olds and they're all in their mid-fifties on up. I am so glad I got the hell outta there.

As for the group homes, I'll make sure I *NEVER* move back into 'em no matter how hard things get for me here in my apartment. As for using medical reasons not to work, I will NEVER stop doing that. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself - cooking, cleaning, getting dressed, taking showers, etc. It's only the financial end of things that might get hard someday.

My psychiatrist thinks more meds will help me be less irritable...I think NOT! NOT after 2 1/2 years of all that constant abuse and I still haven't had enough venting sessions! Besides that...irritability is common among us who have AS. Years ago I took Clozaril, the most powerful atypical antipsychotic there is, and I was STILL as irritable as I am today! So more meds ain't gonna make me less irritable...especially since I ain't even been gone from the group homes a year yet. Healing from abuse takes YEARS.

I know I had a lot of problems sleeping my whole life...even as a little kid I used to wait until my parents fell asleep and get up to read or watch the late,late movies.The lack of sleep does make everything else worse(I would like to see the average NT function with a few hours of sleep).I think that some of this is just natural to people with AS(sleeping problems)I tend to go over and over things that have happened in my life or just that day.It's soooo anoying.

I know that my "natural" wake sleep cycle appears to be go to sleep arounf 4am and wake around 12pm of later...then another several hours to "feel awake" enough to deal with the world(on the days that I can).You can imagine how difficult it is to apply for jobs and stuff when you begin your day when most people are ending theirs.The solution for me(not a perfect one by far)was to take afternoon and night classes in college and I have been working nothing but over nights for the past 15 years.

I would recommend a few things for this....
(again)anti-depressants help me sleep
5 mg of Melatonin
physical exercise(even if it is nothing more then laying still and tensing all your muscles while laying in bed)
Yoga or general stretching routine several times a day(we hold the pain in our muscles...it's true!release it.)
write in a journal all the crap your feeling
keep a journal by the bed so you can write down your thoughts/plans when they are bothering you
Are their sensory issues causing you problems sleeping...ie...room to hot/cold,noises,light(I live in a darken caved like room and run a fan and a sound machine all the time...I'm like Pavloves dogs,training myself to sleep on cue..sort of works)
I also like to read before bed but nothing to negative/dark/intersting...a good book can make insomnia much worse for us


I really hope you can get help. I really think most humans are a waste of space but they also have a chance to be less so with a lot of work,you have more challenges to over come but perhaps more to offer as an end result?After all,who do we want running this world..the bullies who are appear to be in charge now or people who have been hurting and have some compassion for others who hurt?If we give up,they win.Fight back.