I Hate My Past

Post Reply New Topic

Well I grew up from a chaotic home. My dad was a raging alcoholic and my mom always took care of him and us. There were many instances where he'd scream at us for something and didn't know what it was. We had to walk on egg shells for him. Well it didn't used to bother me till recently. I guess I blocked most of these bad memories out. I now see a therapist and hate it.

My therapist has helped me in some ways but asks about my childhood a lot. I'm not much of a crier but when memories start popping up, I break down and it's embarassing. Now I'm starting to feel like my racing thoughts are around my past. One past in particular was when my dad slammed my head hard against the wall while screaming at me to stop making that noise which was I guess hyperventalating. He was mad b/c my teacher had called him about me not getting an assignment done. Recently I briefly brought it up to him and he apologized repeatedly but doesn't remember the incident. He did many things like that when he drank.

He's now been sober for 5 years yet I still feel like he's going to yell at me for something since all this has popped up. I live with him now for the same bad choices I made that consequently kicked me out. My self esteem feels really low now. It's not just b/c of him, I also feel a lot of resentment toward my mother like she should've protected us. I don't act mean when I visit in fact I act happy but feel blood boiling. I also hate myself for not being self sufficient. The times I was, I'd waste my money on alcohol and pills that were like uppers. Not to mention in and out hospitalizations for suicide attempts and anger. I did cause my mom a lot of pain to put her through this.

I really don't know what to do now. I feel caught between the past and present. I don't know what to do with the present. I keep saying I wanna go back to school but feel insecure and financially low and confused at what I want to do. I have a job that doesn't pay well. I think too, my emotions are getting in the way of my job. Sometimes I wonder where I belong. I feel like this big empty space and I hate it. I wonder if I should also stop seeing my therapist. I made the choice after all. I feel like I get worse everytime I see her.

I can't believe I brought this up in the Haven. I just had to get it out without having to write.

yeah I read what you wrote.

Well you can't much about the past.

I'm not sure if I can help you, but you have to look at what you want to do in the future. Also positive thinking helps.

Now I'm embarassed, it's something that I've kept in the back of my head. I'm wondering if it's this therapist's fault for bringing a lot of these memories back. I know I can't change the past it just feels like it interrupts me when I'm trying to do something like work. I just don't know how to explain it. I react automatically when my dad calls my name in a subtle voice. That's one reason I don't want to live with him anymore yet he's helped me a lot. I do the same with men coworkers. I don't know if it's an aspie thing or not. I hate it espeacially when they yell real loud.

no worries

Hey do you reckon it is better to forget about the past or try and resolve issues from the past?

I think it is good to resolve issues, but then again if you dwell on them you start thinking negatively.

Also maybe there are things that happen in the past you can't get over and have to deal with them as best you can.

Well, I think I did resolve one issue of bringing up that incident he did to me in the past. I felt like I got a little off my chest even my sister agreed.

Well when I get overwhelmed with things, I break them down into smaller problems.

So you said you want to go back to school? If you do then look at going back

You don't know what you want to do if you go back? Maybe have a go a looking at all your options you want to do, you might find something that interests you.

Just try and solve one problem at a time, that works for me.

I hate my past too, though my situation is a bit different. But I find that writing things down is really helpful. I have a diary that I write in whenever I'm upset, and as soon as things are on paper, it feels better because it's not only in your mind anymore.
It's difficult to forget the past, sometimes it feels like you can't have a good future if you have no foundation to build upon.

But we need to move forward, to use all that negative feeling as fuel for a better life. Good luck.

I also hate my past, for different reasons, as well. My parents made me feel like an obsessive freak. I was convinced that I wasn't right, in the head, because of that. I was convinced that my parents hated me. That was back in the 1980s and 1990s. Things have gotten better for me, and they'll get better for you, as well.

I agree that getting those thoughts back out will help you resolve them. I know it may not feel very good now, but you will heal in time. And then you have me.

((((hug))))

I have issues with my past at home as well. My dad treated my mom like sh*t. He never physically abused her, but he made her feel worthless and like a slave all the time. She finally got fed up with it and left him in the year 2000 and they were divorced by 2001. She was away from him but she still had nightmares because of him that didn't go away until my dad died in 2004. I did love my dad but I also hated him for the way he treated my mother and I feel terrible for saying this, but maybe it's for the best that he is dead.

But please do try to love both of your parents because they are the only ones you have. Give them a hug and let them know that you love them. I said some pretty nasty things to my dad but we were able to patch things up while we still had the chance. A lot of people don't get that chance.

MissConstrue; I went thru similar therapy. My therapist was constantly questioning and bringing up emotional situations from my past. It was terrible! After a year of it I was ready to quit. However, I am glad I did not as I started to make significant progress. I became more in touch with my feelings and much more confident. Initially it was like pulling teeth!

Thankyou guys. It's just something I had to get out in the open.

Maybe school will help you get everything together? I know that some people find the routine,structure, and the constant goals help them stream line their lives. I also agree with the people that said it is better to resolve things, even when it hurts. Repressed feelings just seem unhealthy to me.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
- Oscar Wilde

One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.
- Michael Cibenko

Seriously though...
MissConstrue, I don't think that you should stop seeing A therapist, but if your current one isn't helping then you should find another one.
I can't say that I understand what your feeling, or why your feeling the way you are...because I don't understand as i've never been in that situation. What I can say though, is that your dad is making an attempt to have a better life. Don't give up, make an attempt, too. Go to therapy, talk/write about your past...whatever it takes.
Don't let these thoughts destroy you.

I both hate and love my past. There are certain things that happened in my past that I could not imagine my life without it happening and there are things I wish I could forget.

I think we all have moments like this when we think... sometimes a little too much, but sometimes we can learn from it, not sure what.... but something....

Many of us have skeletons hidden in the past, or buried bones in the least; some just hide them better than others do.

Getting it out can help.