Waiting for phone calls...

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I'm kind of frustrated...I'm dating the sweetest person I've ever met...
But he just doesn't have enough time and energy for me, because he is going through a family crisis and virtually everyone around him is going through a personal crisis...
I have such passion for him, but he can't call me or see me because he is so busy and preoccupied...
When we talk, he seems to make everything right...and I understand...
The first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is him...
I always end up sending him a text message first because I'm waiting for his call starting from the moment I wake up and by the afternoon I'm fed up with waiting.
I would think that sending a text message or giving a five minute call is not so difficult...
Sometimes it feels as though he can't find the time and mind to put me before things the way I put him before things.
It does not feel good to want more than the person can give.
I am screwing up my work because of my feelings for him, and I feel like a stupid stupid woman.
I thought about leaving him, but that isn't easy either...

I just think I'm a stupid stupid person to be in love so blindly.
And I don't like that I am so swept up in my emotions that I can't get myself to work...
Why can't I just let him go and be the cool professional woman?
Those that never bother the guys.

I guess the thing about him is that...he appreciates me...he is sweet...we can talk...he has a great heart...we have a connection...and with him...I feel free to be myself...

but on the other hand, I cannot help feeling that I should feel like I deserve treated better....or prioritized...
He has a good reason for not doing so, and he is giving the best he can...so I guess it's up to me. whether I can embrace it or not...
All this waiting and pining is not easy. I get extra nervous because I have anxiety about being abandoned, or figures that are important to me that are absent in my life.

Last edited by sunnycat on 23 Apr 2008, 12:22 pm, edited 7 times in total.

You should repost this in the Love and Dating forum.

I would rather keep it in this forum....Thanks for the advice though.
I feel much better just spelling things out...and I feel like I can see a little more clearly...
I would appreciate feedbacks or advices from people...especially women who went through similar experiences...

well,
first question,
how often do you call him?
if you call to much you may be burning him out and he wants space even though he may like you.
if you hardly call at all and want him to do the pursuing, perhaps you need to show him how interested you really are by calling him more often.
and lastly, if you call much then suddenly stop, and he actually does like you, then he will stop and go, hay, what happened, come back here.
if he does not actually like you and he keeps forgetting about or ignoring you then your better off looking for someone new instead and forgetting about him.
and lastly, if you seem too easy then he may not feel the need to pursue you but instead make you wait in the sidelines until HE is ready and wanting of you,
taking you for granted.

Thanks for your advice. See, the thing is I'm not into playing games. It seems like if a girl has not mastered the art of coquetry or the art of playing games, guys think she's bland or too easy or something. The problem is, I don't belong to that language. At first I thought something must be wrong with me and I felt despair, but now I think it's just who I am and there's nothing wrong with it. I just need to be aware that such language exists out there and that I do not belong to it and be careful not to make social blunders. Whatever people think, it does not change that I am not easy and I am worthy. The moment I realize somebody is taking me for granted I stop considering them as friends.
I think if I like someone, I'm candid about it. But if the feeling is not mutual, I can control my emotions because then there is no point.

Guys are weird sometimes. I understand the thing about not playing games. I'm like that too. Some guys find it delightfully refreshing, while others seem turned off by it. But that's OK. I see it as a test of compatibility. If a guy is looking for a girl who plays games, chances are we wouldn't be a good match.

Sometimes guys do seem to lose interest for no discernible reason, especially in the early stages of dating (when there isn't a lot of serious commitment). I think that's just part of the dating experience. Girls do the same thing to guys. It happens to everyone. It hurts for a while, but then it becomes possible to move on.

Thanks EvilKimEvil...your words helped a lot...
I also think its really cool your post count is 2006...it will be 2007 with your next post and 2008 with the next... You should leave screenshots of them!!

Moved to Haven upon OP's request.

I have gone through exactly the same situation as you and have some of the same abandonment issues(or difficulty knowing/believing that someone actually "likes" me). Because I KNOW that I am missing the ability to read between the lines and understand NV communication...I try and do it through the scientific(not) process of observation of things I can see and intellectually trying to interpret what I am observing "means".

The reason it is NOT scientific is because I lack "theory of mind "...in this area and because I have been wrong so many times before(thinking someone liked me who didn't and vise-versa).So...I base my judgement of their response(or lack of) on how I act towards people I like. When I like someone, I respond in similar ways as you...think about them as soon as I wake up and want some contact with them. I buy them things because when I see something that reminds me of them...to buy it makes me feel connected to them. I draw pictures of them, make clay sculptures of them, have their picture where I can see it at all times, write poetry about them. To many, that sounds like obsession and maybe it is, (I have been accused of being "to intense"
on more then one occasion, but to me it is the "normal" way to behave when I like someone. I express it like this in one of my poems......."I am the funnel, that can not be filled".

Point for me is...when they do none of those things....it makes me question if they actually like me. I notice that they have no pictures of me around, if they can go days with no contact and not go crazy,etc. Since I believe that there has not been enough research in the area of females and AS, I don't think this has been properly investigated, but I believe how our obsessive tendencies/love/inability to trust others(since we are often misunderstood or used by men), causes some painful dynamics in our love relationships. It also doesn't help that many of us don't like to lie or misrepresent ourselves(game playing) and have few female friends to help us understand how male/female relationships "work". I also had a few females tell me that guys only like girls who "play" hard to get...I had no desire or ability to "play" and it cost me several relationships(good ridence but still painful reality).

As far as advice....even when I understand this stuff intilecctualy, it doesn't stop feeling "wrong" to me when they don't do the same things to show me they like me. I have been with the same guy for 5 years(my first relationship that lasted more then a year or 2) and still have this question pop up for me. Most of the time, I know that he does care and sometimes I have to try and figure out...how he shows it(not based on how I do). For me, that means he i willing to give me rides when I am scared to drive and cleans the snow off my car before I go to work. He doesn't flirt with other females or even look at them when we are together( a game that some men play to make you feel insecure). Even though we live together, he sends me Utube videos he thinks I might like.

So what signs do you have that this guy does like you...in his way?

Thanks for your response krex, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote...
it's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels that way...

Hmm....signs that he likes me....
well...I think of the two of us I am the more expressive one in terms of emotions...
He sort of has the poker face...but...there's something very sweet and candid about him...
Like when I was scared to see somebody because I was way overdue...he was there for me...
He is very patient...and he is willing to talk with me...and when we talk I feel like we can really communicate...I feel like we can connect...
Sometimes I think I can see it in his eyes...
I think I'm starting to sound cheesy, as usual...

I maybe wrong...but I think I am building up trust for him...
I really appreciate that he is willing to work on building trust with me, and that he is not fed up with my...hmm...intensity...I guess...I take heed not to encroach upon people's boundaries, but I do admit I can get intense sometimes...

Last edited by sunnycat on 23 Apr 2008, 12:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I had some incredibly patient guys tolerate my insecurities but in the end, I was still to afraid of rejection to do anything but push them away..I wasn't ready. There was one in particular who may have been AS and could not express his emotions at all...that really drove me nuts. I found for me that I just need constant affirmation and have found someone who does it several times a day. He doesn't have to buy me roses...just say something nice once a day.

I hope things work out for you...it did seem to get a little easier aas I got older and realised that I wouldn't disappear even if the person ended up not loving me in the same way.

I'm glad I could be helpful!