Tired of how changes in brain chemicals alone can affect me

Post Reply New Topic

I know that all we are is a load of electrical impulses and chemicals, but to be so aware of it is depressing. I recently stopped taking my antidepressants (on doctor's orders) and was find for a while, but now I find myself going back down again - maybe its temporary, i hope so, but I hate being so reliant on chemicals to stabilise my moods. A few days ago I was really quite happy, everything seemed to be going well. Now I feel like sh** and nothing has changed externally. Its all to do with my messed up brain chemistry. At work today I couldnt concentrate and just wanted to sit there staring into space, mind blank, obsessively rubbing my finger nails against my lips (my variation of stimming). My anger and hate came back against two people who used to be my best friends for a short while who I still have to see regularly (but in my good moods it doesnt bother me too much now), and I started feeling paranoid that they are being really nice to my remaining 2 friends to try and get them away from me and leave me with noone. And I just feel really fed up on top of this. Was crying from frustration on the way back from the supermarket just because it was raining and I felt chronically bored - nothing I wanted to do and had a rainy solitary weekend ahead of me.

I'm sure all of this is to do with no longer being on mood-stabilising drugs. But I dont want to go back on them - they changed my personality and only a couple of days ago I was feeling that I was strong enough to move on without them. Now I feel as though I am back to square one, but with a few extra pounds in weight from the medication, which I hate. I feel like a robot not a person - add a little serotonin = happier, take away some dopamine = less obsessive etc. In fact, I tend to believe this is true, but most people manage to create the illusion at least of being more than a bag of proteins.

I have noticed that coming off my Abilify I have immediately reduced the amount that I look at people - I noticed when I was on it that my eye contact was better than it had ever been before (strange with family who I have never looked much in the eye), but now again I have no desire to look at faces, I have to force myself to put on a smile or greet someone. But I do feel more like me. I realise there are good and bad points with medication and I can pick and choose whether I want to be more sociable (+Abilify), or keep the intense focus and have more willpower (without medication). Its like I can change my personality completely depending upon what I take and how much. Again, it makes me feel like a robot and not a person.

Is there any other medical alternatives to stabilize yourself with less side effects? Do you have another plan of attack?

My plan of attack at the moment is that, after a period of being stable on medication, I should be strong enough to confront things myself - Many people get through really bad situations and I am not even in a bad situation. Secondly, in a few months I am going to move (OK this will be stressful), but it will be a new start in a different country without these ex friends of mine constantly around messing with my head. I love the place I live in now, but apart from my 2 friends (and even these are not really close), I dont much care for anyone here - all my family are elsewhere (and I am not really close with them either) and I have no ties apart from the strong tie with the place itself, that I will be breaking on leaving. I am hoping that a new start will mean I find more supportive people and can forget about the mess I made with the people here (in fact not sure why I am so optimistic as I have always found it very hard to make friends, it normally takes a good year for the best people to become friends, others take longer or never, but I guess its good to be optimistic). Now I have come off the drugs I am really reluctant to start them again - that will be a last resort. But I want to try and make things work on my own first.

It sounds like a reasonable approach to me. Doing things one step at a time, in a systematic manner is easier than thinking of the total project sometimes. Also, being willing to skip a step momentarily to do an easier step and going back later IS an option. We on the spectrum sometimes get to attached to one sequence. e.e. cummings said something to the effect of: An unwavering consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. The gyst is right, I think I screwed up the words (small mind at work).

Everything you described since going off the antidepressant are what I experienced before I went on them and what happens when I have tried to quit. Do they change my "persoality"..yes, I am AS nad the traits are my personality (good and bad). They also allow me to function in the world. I had to ake a choice. I don't think I would be on them if I didn't have to work...but I do. I can't afford to have melt downs or cry at work. They didn't turn me int a social butterfly but they allowed me to tolerate being around humans a litle bit better.

Oddly, as a generally cynical person..I also have a weird optimistic look at change. I hate it an avoid it but somehow always think things will be better if I can just change my environment(I've done it in place, relationships and jobs). Sometimes it works but one thing to remember.....

Whereever you go,there YOU are, (and there other humans are).

I would keep an open mind about trying other anti-depressants and keep them on hand incae of emergencies? I have pushed myself before into a psychological break due to my own stubornness....it's not fun.