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Today I hit a new low again. I hate drama queens and internet forums but I am getting to the point where I am making other people's lives more complicated in many different ways and I am sick of being me.
I just left my 23rd job (I am 27 years old) and if i'm honest my self destructive tendencies have been starting to get the better of me.
My gf is more understanding than most considering the complication which is added to her life through knowing me but I just don't want to worry her with any of this because as a result of being with me she is not in a great way emotionally herself.
Doctors I have spoken to are not really concerned and seem to have very little time for me as I often baffle them with many things at once which are bothering me.
I know it's only a crappy web based test but I scored 181 out of 200 on the Aspie quiz (my gf does psychology and suggested I should look into it) and it has made me feel worse about myself. I guess it a) confirmed I am a bit of a social misfit and b) confirmed that I am not as individual as I thought c) even though I passed selection for job number 24 (call centre) everything about it feels wrong and I am scared i'm going to struggle and quit like all my other jobs putting added financial pressure on my gf. I am just so miserable and all the evidence points to everyone I know being better off without me around.
I have alienated my friends and family because of social paranoia over a number of years. I hate myself.
I'm sure none of this is anything new but I feel like i've run out of avenues to explore.
I love my gf, probably a bit obsessively and I just want her to be happy which doesn't seem to be working with me and I am starting to think never will because I never learn from my mistakes and constantly hurt peoples feelings by accident.
I was always pretty sure I am a good person but I am doubting this now.
Job no 24 looms into view next week and I am petrified about meeting people and having to try and work within a noisy distracting environment.
I just don't know what to do. I thought writing this would help but i'm just getting more upset. I am so embarrassed that I really don't want this kind of thing to be out there on the internet forever as soon as I press the little grey button.

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I think that you have come to the right place if you're needing support, and wanting to learn more about AS.

You shouldn't feel the least bit embarrassed about admitting that you need help. Everyone needs to vent every now, and then. I seriously doubt that you're a bad person, and it sounds like your gf loves you, and definitely wants you around.

I hope things look up for you soon, and that your new job works out for you.

Hmm. I'm wondering if you should call and decline the job and look for jobs that are quiet and where you won't be interacting with people as a crucial part of your job. I don't know your skill levels. Night guard work can be relaxing. My brother couldn't handle being a restaurant cook or auto mechanic because of the speed pressures. He became a night guard at a nuclear power plant and loved it. Night janitor is also quiet. I used to wash lab equipment at a hospital. Not quiet, but I was left alone and liked it. There's library reshelving. Accounting.
Now that you have a diagnosis, you should be able to get vocational rehabilitation to help you find the job you can excel in and enjoy.

Cheers for the input, I think I was in the midst of a mini meltdown earlier. It's funny but it never occurred to me that it is literally this easy to get in touch with like-minded folks.

I have had a couple of Library jobs in the past but I left cause of the crappy pay. It hadn't occurred to me that I never really considered night before. Something to look into maybe.

I think I will see how I go in this new job. At this point it can't make my CV look any worse really and it will be a lot less complicated than my previous job in the fraud department at a large credit card company. Having to make decisions that could cost the company thousands of pounds whilst constantly being distracted scared the bejesus out of me.
I am such a trusting literal person anyway that I was never suited to that job as I could never really spot the liars when they called in.
As far as skills go I guess I was enjoying gardening to a certain extent but I am way too scatty to have my own company and I am hardly the model employee!

As far as being diagnosed goes will it really benefit me? Getting doctors to pay attention around here after years of Labour messing with the system is pretty difficult. As far as they are concerned they have targets or the surgery risks closure.

It gets better


Yes, I think you should get a DX. Sounds like you are in the UK? There are many others here from there(I in US), so you might want to google Adult Autism support groups in your area? I'm not familiar with the social services in UK but you might get either financial support or help with job retraining and placement...it might also give you some legal leverage in disability laws?

Problem is that it can take a long time to get in to see a specialist in DXing ADULTS...it's very different then children DXer,so make sure they specialize in adults. There are very few(if any in some areas) support for adults in US but I'm not sure about UK. Your poor work history can actually help y in getting services because it indicates that something is going wrong for you and you can benefit from assistance.


I have been working over-nights for the past 15 years and found it very helpful. One of the main reasons is it's so hard for them to fill those jobs that they are desperate and tolerate my "weirdness". It also allows me to read(one of my special interests),dress more comfortably, have less noise and socializing and I'm naturally a night owl. Go ahead and take this new job but start looking for night work to see what is available and what you might need to do(special training)to get those jobs. They often pay better,also. Don't wait to try and make an appointment with a specialist...you can always cancel if you change you mind but it can take a long time to get one...so plan ahead.

Welcome to WP

Believe what you read...quiet work at a decent place, even if the pay isn't great is better than any call centre job, ever.

I worked in a call centre for 1.5 yrs and was at the end of my tether. I was having constant meltdowns and exhibiting far more of my aspie behaviours than anywhere else.

Getting a hold of yourself, and NOT getting down on yourself is key. You need tor recognize what you need to survive and be happy. Don't blame yourself for it.

There is a great book, Asperger's from the inside out by a man named Carley. It's a great intro book. You learn to forgive people who've harmed you, and forgive yourself for your own inabilities.

You have options. You have choices. The fact that you keep going out there and getting jobs is damn impressive. Many people can't even do that. Maybe you just need to redirect into an area that suits you. A diagnosis will help you learn what is "normal" for us. You'll learn why you aren't succeeding.

You have many pluses on your side. Tell your gf you love her, and smile...you're far ahead of many, and you've got a future to look forward to.

Many thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply. Everything that's been said so far has been awesomely helpful. I guess I never made the connection that the longest I have remained in one job for years is 6months and it takes an outsider perspective to make me realise I have probably just been doing the wrong jobs.

I will see how the new job goes and let you know. It could be interesting from a scientific point of view!
I agree with DevonB said about amplified behaviours, I literally freaked out a couple of times and spent one very cold morning shivering on the granite stairs outside the main entrance at work because I just couldn't bring myself to go in. I must have looked insane.

I shall look into local groups I can hook up with because i still feel like i'm an imposter (aspie curious maybe?). I don't know if i'm ready to feel like I am wasting my GP's time just yet but I should speak to someone face to face who knows what they are talking about just so i can rule out the possibility that I am just over thinking and that this is all in my head.

Thanks people, it means a lot

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