A problem I thought I'd never have

Post Reply New Topic

This is kind of a long story for me so please bear with me. This is a serious post, and I know I messed up. Please be nice.

I took a term abroad a few months ago with a group of about 30. It was one of the best times of my life. I was very nervous to go abroad because I had no friends and it was going to be loosely structured. I actually found 2 groups of people to hang out with. One of them was a fun crowd that went out to nightclubs every other night, and got drunk during the day. The other group was more intellectual and after going out to dinner with a couple of them on one of the first nights we actually had a good conversation and I was able to hang out with that group too. I was having some social success for a change and it seemed like I might have some friends when I got back to college. The problem was that the only contact I would have with these people when I got back was if we randomly ran into each other on campus and we'd say hi, although one of them was in one of my classes.

I wasn't able to schedule anything to be able to hang out when we got back because I didn't have contact information, although some of them added me to their facebooks, I don't know very much about facebook and only look at mine occasionally. About 3 months after the trip, this is pretty recently, one of the guys from my rowdy group of people saw me at the pub and he said hi because he hadn't seen me in a while but he remembered he had fun with me on the semester abroad. He had a friend with him I didn't know. He invited me to go out for a night on the town with him. Accepting the offer would put me in a bind because I had 4 classes the next day but I couldn't pass up the opportunity so I accepted. We went to several music bars and a house with several of his friends. We stopped at a gas station to get some 40s to get tipsy off of and I was more relaxed. Once again I did a surprisingly good job socializing and near the end of the night this guy's friend asked me for my number so that they could call me to hang out later. A social success, unbelievable.

A few days later I went to play some basketball. I got in on a pick up game with a group of people who would sometimes play pick up games with me. One of them got concerned about the calculus work he had to do for the next day. I told him to knock on my door help. This was a Tuesday night. I got back to my room and my phone rang, at midnight, on Tuesday. It was the friend of the guy who I went out on the town with a few nights ago and he told me to go to the sorority house where one of the girls in the fun group from the semester abroad was in. I had promised to help this other guy with his homework and soon he was knocking at my door, what was I to do? This wasn't the kind of problem I thought I would ever have. A scheduling conflict between choosing who to stay with. I ended up staying and helping the guy with his homework because I didn't know where her sorority house was and I didn't have the number to call back and ask where it was. It's been two weeks and I haven't been called back since by them. I think they were offended that I didn't come the last time.

Yesterday I read an e-mail from the one in that group who was in one of my classes. (I don't check my e-mail very often) It was a 3 day old e-mail where she was asking me to help her study for the test tomorrow. I saw it 2 days late. I sent her back an e-mail to apologize, but still, damn...

Socializing is such a pain in the ass, it's so hard and I never succeed but I can never kill the urge to try. I'm such a social f**k up. I hate AS.

maybe you should just have a couple friends instead of hanging out with so many of them. As for feeling miserable about your freindships, it is the same for neurotypicals. You can try emailing the girls back or calling her and apoligizing fro screwing up. If she or your so called freinds can not forgive you then they are not owrth being around. you can try to find some new friends or something. there is also online dating. If you want to be social one of th struggles you may have in life is deciding who you want as a friedn and who you do not.

as a tip I would recommend hanging out iwth more eccentric people that are open to quirkiness or finding other people with asperger or autism.

I'm pretty sure normal people can't be in two places at once either.

Sounds like you're doing really well Just tell the fun group that you would like to go but you already made a commitment when something like that happens. They'll respect that and hopefully ask you again next time. Stay positive

A big, big part of a successful social life is simply showing up and getting out there. You've done that. Now it appears you are a likable guy with things to offer others. This is very cool, and properly managed, can bring a lot of enrichment (as well as heartache) into your life.

But if you want this, you gotta do the footwork and answer your phone, check your email DAILY and let people know you think they are worth your time (if they are). Don't be afraid to say no to someone, explain you got a prior engagement to help someone else, anyone who's worthy of friendship would respect that.

You did not make a serious mistake. However, it's also important to keep your word. If you already agreed to help someone, and someone else invites you later, the best thing to say would be something like this: "I already agreed to help him, so it wouldn't be right if I bailed on him. I don't believe in promising something and then not delivering it." While you may get ragged for refusing, most people will respect you for taking the high road and keeping your word.

Thanks for the responses. I'll answer these point by point so it's easier to digest.

It's not like this is very many people I'm talking about. 5 people, 2 groups. I rarely see them on campus. Not including the one from the pick up game but that was unexpected.



The issue I have is that if I didn't have AS this sort of thing would happen more often and not be such a big deal. It was very hard work to get friendly with other people so screwing it up sucked. After 3 months of sitting in my room alone I wasn't expecting all of this stuff to happen out of the blue almost simultaneously. And I already said that I e-mailed her back to apologize.



I don't have their contact information so I don't know how to reach them to know if they forgave me. All I know is that I haven't been called back since. I'm not sure how effective online is for someone who lives in nowhere, Texas.

I've been given that tip before. I've had very bad experience with it. I don't know of anyone else here who has AS. And "eccentric" people I have found in my experience to be a very closed minded group.



I'm more concerned with the fact that I usually spend months on end in my room alone so having two things all of a sudden conflict on one night seemed a cruel twist of fate. It was a long message so I'm not surprised people got confused and I probably didn't express it perfectly. I thought I was going to able to cram both in. After I hung up I realized I didn't even know where they were so...



I'm not sure they'll contact me again. The year's almost over, and most of them are seniors who won't be back next year.



I wasn't exactly expecting an e-mail. It was my college e-mail where they just usually send out announcements. We're all required to have our e-mails as our first initial followed by our last name so I'm sure that's how she figured out my e-mail. I check it several times a day sometimes, once every several days sometimes. I need to be able to make it a daily habit.



I miswrote that part slightly. I would've headed there after I finished helping the guy. I told them to wait for a while but then, too late, I realized I didn't even know where to find them. I think the timing of the call threw me off a bit. I'm no good when surprised.

seeing that you already emailed her an apology and did not get a response back shows that she is really not worth it.



you friends seem like they are either very busy or not very forgiving, it seems like you hsould move on and find some other friends. There are some people I met in college that are graduating this semester, I do not hate them, but I have accepted we are jsut going different ways. As for girls you could still develop a relationship online, it is not like you have to meet thm in person



part of being an aspie for most people is needing structure, whenever I hang out with people I need to at least mentally prepare myself for it. For a person with aspergers you did well , but for oyur own sanity I would recommend at least being able to plan when you are going to meet. Try to find some people in your classes that have aspie traits or simmilar interests as you do. If you do not mind having online friends instead I can be your freind



It is the same for NT's, many people think they can fit plans in, but many times it does not work

don't beat yourself up over it. even NT's have trouble juggling a social life.
but i'm glad you've made friends and had a good time. it will all work out,just
breathe.