Nothing to look forward to

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I just feel like I have nothing. Never really did but at least I used to have things to look forward to: going to university, building a career, etc. Now, I've graduated. Don't really have any career to build. Can't decide what to do with my life and keep thinking I want to do things that are a horrible fit for me. So I just end up running in circles and getting nowhere.

There are things people have. The more you have the easier life will be. These things are: money, beauty, personality (in no particular order). If you have all three people will love you. If you have just one, you can get people to love you. If you have none, you're screwed.

There are two things that make women beautiful: face and body. You can have a pretty face but an ugly body, and you can have an ugly face but look great in a bikini. Beauty can help you develop better social skills, because people are always smiling at you and starting conversations. Sometimes beauty can hinder your independence or your intellectual development, but it's still an asset to your success and happiness.

So. I do not have a pretty face. I do not have a pretty body. My personality is attractive to a very select group of people. I never had any money growing up and now I'm deep in debt.

I. am. screwed.

I thought if only I built a career for myself that I'd be able to get by. I wanted to be a writer but my mom beat that goal out of me. So I studied science. I thought about going to grad school but all the other people in the lab were beautiful, came from money, were well-read and well-traveled and went sailing and rowing and played varsity sports and went skiing. They all lived with their significant others. I was this shy little lab person with poor social skills who couldn't converse with them about cottages or which is the best ski resort. I couldn't imagine myself defending a thesis or teaching a class or managing my own lab.

So I left science. I've tried a few office jobs but despise them. I know I have skills as a human being but office jobs use none of them. I could maybe use these skills in a job where I'm solving problems and thinking spatially and dealing with pressure. I'm very cool under pressure. Not the long-term finish-this-report-and-file-these-and-send-these-emails sort of office pressures, but the more immediate talk-to-this-person-while-typing-this immediate pressures. Like waitressing, live TV, air traffic control. That sort of pressure. But maybe that's just what i think today.

Every time I think I want something I try it and realize it would be fun for someone not like me. Sales looks like it is fun for the salesperson, but it wouldn't be fun for me.

And the real problem is I realize I have to write to maintain my sanity. All I really want to do with my life is write novels. I need to find a job that will let me do that on the side. So there's this confusion: do I pursue a job I think I'd enjoy but might cut into my writing time or do I find a job that pays the bills but might make me too tired to write?

I just feel really tired lately. I've had my thyroid checked 6 times in the last 4 years. Antidepressants do nothing for me except the side effects. I'm on unemployment and they hound me to get another job but I can't imagine seeing myself do much of anything. My apartment is a disgusting mess and with no job I still don't find time to clean it. How on earth can I fit in a job?

Writing is the only thing that makes me want to keep going. Just the thought I finding that rhythm and happiness I used to find as a kid when I wrote. But I haven't written much lately. I feel like I know nothing about the world so how can I write about it? I find it hard to get into books. I feel too obtuse to understand literature. How on earth can I write? Maybe I just shouldn't bother.

I know a guy who is a night watchman, and he says it is so boring that he is now using all the spare time to write a book. It could be one option, even if temporary.

I feel exactly the same that you do for the most part. I do have a job and it used to be a decent job but my boss is terrible, I work part time and cant even make $300 a week at this point, and I drive about 70 miles a day to commute to and from work with gas at $3.62/gal here in CNY.

I have a collage education and am good at certain things like computers and warehouse work, but its impossible to find a real stead and decent job in this economy. I am unhappy with my job, and increasingly unhappy with my life. I cant get ahead cause I am borrowing money from my parents to pay my bills and they will soon cut me off as well and I desperatly like you want to do a job that makes me happy and allowes me to live the life I want and its just sooo hard this day and age, and of course we have it difficult because our social skills are not great, I have a hard time just getting past the interview stage and cant do a job where I need to deal with people all the time.

Well... I hope things start looking up for us someday, its tough out their, our parents generation I definatly think had it better, and tho we like it or not if we want our dream job itll most likly not pay well and if we want to make good money we will have to take on a job that wont make us happy, I want to do good with the time I have left on planet Earth (and I hope I have a long time left) but just dont know where to go from here.

I wish ya good luck and hope things work out!

I think you just described yourself as an excellent journalist.


and dont think down on yourself. Just like girls, guys have many,many different opinions at what beauty is (physical or personality).

Heck, I find some girls most people I know of would not even glance at because they are 'plain' looking very pretty while at the same time finding some supermodels other guys drool over to be ... quite unattractive. Like baroque art you know.. sometimes the fact that there's too much to look at makes the whole piece of art be unappealing.

I want to go back to high school. I want to tell myself to stop saving for university because they're going to screw you over anyway. Save $10,000 by never buying yourself a thing? Great, now the school doesn't have to give you a $2500 need-based entry bursary. Oh yes, and the university assumes you weren't planning to use that $10,000 over your 4 years but tat you'd apply it all to the first year. Because, you know, you can spend 3 years waitressing to save up $10,000 for every year you go to school too.

Spend your damn money. Go to Europe on that trip for Latin class, because it will be the last field trip option you ever have. After the teachers go on strike and impose work-to-rule there will be no joy. Not that there ever was in mudville. It is not normal for a high school not to have clubs. Don't be fooled. Switch to ECVI and join their drama club. Or just join the local theatre group. I swear you will develop self confidence that you most certainly will not otherwise. Try to take improv lessons if you can. Imagine if you learned those skills when you were young enough to actually take them to heart.

Keep writing. Don't let anyone stop you. You might not earn a living from writing, but just go to school assuming you're going to write. There are tons of things you can do with a degree in english, despite the cliches. It's just as employable as a degree in biology, despite what you might think. Just take what makes you happy. Study english and do a minor in psychology, even though you think you're cheesy doing so. The best part of that is that you can pick ANY university to go to. Not the 5 crappy schools that offered neuroscience. Pick a school where you think you can enjoy yourself. Where your peers will be smart. You can try an American school if you like. But just pick a school that makes you happy.

Study english and keep writing every day. Be more adventurous. Stop worrying about what people think about you and go with the flow. Any time someone offers to do something with you, accept the offer. Okay, I'll indulge your fear of rejection. Just look at the times when one person has come up to you individually and asked you to do something with them. Unless you had an exam at that time, ACCEPT THE OFFER.

Keep being funny. That's the most important thing you learned about yourself at university. But expand that. Go back to improv. Write every day. Study the experts.

After you graduate stop worrying about what am I going to do with my life. You're 22. I'm almost 27 and I still don't know how to answer that. All I know is I wish I could go back to 22 and do the things i need to "get out of my system" - traveling, getting to be okay with myself, making myself pretty and happy and funny. Then when you're 27 you can worry about grad school and picking a path. Now I'm 27, and I have to decide: to I self-actualize myself or do I pick a career? I can't focus on both. Maybe one will lead to the other, but which? The more time I spend on one, the more I wish I was exploring the other. Then I quit both and I'm back at zero.

So don't worry if anything is cheesy. Just because something's popular doesn't mean it's bad. Your greatest weakness and your biggest asset is your outsider nature. Stop trying to force it on yourself. Even when you follow the path most traveled you'll always be aloof. Following your own path doesn't make that aloofness any easier to handle.

So, 27-year-old me. What can you do to deal with the fact that you never lived life the way you should? That you spent way too many hours alone in your house. That you have almost no experiences to write about. That you feel impotent as a writer. Just SHUT UP. Just WRITE. If you don't like your non-life, go to Japan. If you're worried about money, find some 1-year job and start saving. Just do what you can and...

It's never enough.

I feel exactly the same way.

First of all, you should have a career that you like. Meaningful work is especially important to Aspies, and we have the type of mind where we can excel in anything we concentrate on. If you want to be a writer, then pursue that, who cares what your mom thinks. (Or do you want to end up like her?) Yes, it's a good idea to get a job that you can support yourself with, until you "make it" as a writer, and there are plenty of options. One where you have time to think about ideas and characters would be ideal. Have you considered nursing or another health care job? You'd get a good wage, flexible hours, and probably lots of inspiration.

It's hard when you're young and trying to develop a career, you can easily feel overwhelmed and constantly questioning whether it's right for you or not. There is no way around this, most NTs have similar insecurities. The difference is that Aspies tend to be more passionate about our work, and we let it define us. So it can be far more stressful.

The important thing is just to keep trying, and don't get discouraged if you screw up or have bad days. Start with a job that's accessible to you, and then branch out from there. Most people change jobs during their life, you don't know where you'll be happiest. The more work experience you get, the more confident you'll feel, even if it's doing unrelated jobs. Any experience is good experience, there is always skills and lessons to be learned, habits to be developed.

I've questioned my own career choice a million times, and I've had some really bad experiences (but also really good ones), made enemies (and friends), etc. I took a 2-year hiatus once and realized how much I missed it. Alot of the work I do now, I would never have dreamed was possible (for example, I was always deathly afraid of heights but now it's no problem). I did not see a direct path that would lead to my dream career, but eventually I got here just by feeling my way around and trying different things.

you should pursue your dreams whatever they may be.

Easily said. The problem is, since I graduated from school, I HAVE been pursuing my dream. My dream is to be a writer. I spent so many years not writing that I needed to do something to kick my butt into gear. So I took night classes to have the motivation and the deadlines to get myself to write, and some feedback to help me improve. But in order to take night courses you need a day job. So I took a really well-paying job that I hated downtown. In order to work downtown I found an apartment that made me happy but is probably too expensive given the amount of debt I have. So now I'm further in debt. I do some writing but I still feel too depressed to write half the time.

I DO NOT want to get a job as a writer. I know if I do, it will just turn my hobby into a chore. At the end of the day I'll have no energy to write novels. And writing jobs don't tend to pay very well.

So now I have this awful dichotomy to face. I have a ton of debt. I can work for a year and live at home and get a bus pass and I might pay off my parents and the credit card by the end of the year. THEN after a year I might be free to travel or go back to school or be free with my life. Or I could try to do those things now - maybe teach English in Japan or go to grad school - and I might be able to chip away at the debt slowly and surely.

Either way, the problem with wanting to write is that there is no direct path to pursue it. I mean, the direct path would have been to study it in university, but I already graduated. So now I can either try to get a job as a writer (no thanks), get a job that pays well and hope I can make a routine of writing on the side or after the contract ends - as long as the job doesn't deaden me too much, or I can try to pursue adventure in order to inspire my writing - but be hindered in what I can do by my level of debt.

Ugh. I wish I could go tell my 16-year-old self to stop worrying about paying the bills and just focus on being a writer. The irony is, the more I focus on paying the bills in order to facilitate my writing life, the harder and harder it is to write (and pay the bills!). Half of my debt came from just one year of doing my masters degree, which was a professional degree that would help me get higher-paying jobs in a field I hate (but which doubled my student loan and then doubled my credit card debt through retail therapy).

I've thought about going back to school to be a nurse or teacher or other decently-paying job that I like some things about and hate other things about (like the social aspects of the job). But then that's another year or two in school, accruing more debt, having less time to write, and then at the end of it just being in a worse place than I am now. That's the strategy I took with grad school, that's the strategy I've taken with a number of night school courses designed to get a job (in editing, marketing, publishing, journalism +++). It really doesn't move me forward. Just older and unhappier.

Take the money and pay off your college debt. It's easier to not hate life when your are not worrying about shelter, food , heat etc. When you find or make time to write, write!

Yeah, ,but no matter what path I take I've got the rent/food/heat covered. If I go to teach in Japan there's enough for rent and food and a bit of exploration. If I go to grad school I'd live at home, so $25K is more than enough to get by and keep paying my debt little by little.

But depression is quite expensive. Between the self-medication through shopping/food/entertainments, buying stuff to try to make myself feel better, etc - things that may look better on paper end up being a lot more expensive in the long run. Not even counting the cost of happiness.

Scheherazade, Japan sounds like the option you should really consider. Going overseas kicks ass.

^^^I agree. This could really broaden your horizons, as the saying goes. I had a roommate who taught english in Japan, and she said that before she left she was a really shy person, but when I knew her she was really confident and had travelled to many places. Plus, if you're stuck in a foreign country with no distractions, you might be more motivated to write.

Many young people have debts, it's just something you need to accept. Maybe you could get your payments suspended for a while if you're really broke. But definately keep working in the mean time, if you don't want to commit to a full-time job you can just sign up at a temp agency and do part-time work.

If you want to travel, another job you may want to consider is working on a cruise ship. You definately wouldn't have to worry about paying rent or food if you did. The only thing is you'd sign a contract for at least 4 months straight, and would probably share a cabin with someone else. But it's an option, and they're always looking for people.

Thanks - I definitely think I need to travel soon. If not now then soon. I've considered the cruise ship thing too but it seems like it could be torture for someone who likes to have space of their own. Have you done this, zee, or do you know anyone who has? I just picture a bunch of 20-year-olds partying all night in the crew hold. I imagine it's a lot like working in a ski resort - you get a measly wage, work too many hours, and your coworkers are pretty incapable of entertaining themselves so they just sleep with one another and with the guests and drink a lot and do lots of drugs. And yes, you can opt out of that, but it makes it harder to find a quiet place to sleep or read and people think you're particularly weird. Maybe that's totally inaccurate but how else can NTs cope with being locked away like that?

I used to want to become a writer, but I've basically stopped writing. You're lucky that you have a purpose; I can't think of anything whatsoever that I might enjoy and that would pay the bills. I hate the field I'm studying, but since it might at least get me a job, I'll stick to it.
Traveling is definitely good for you, though I've overdone it.

I haven't worked on cruise ships myself, but I know several people who have, and they seem to really enjoy it. My sister was a hostess and she loved it (she's NT though), but I know some other people who ran lighting boards or worked as stage crew. But there are many other positions available.
My advice would be to give it a try--you can always quit if you can't handle it. You would change ships every few days, so it wouldn't always be the same people, and the ships are quite large, so there should be quiet places if you need to rest. A lot of the passengers are older people, and employees are from all sorts of nationalities, so it's not quite like a college dorm. A lot of workers do drink because apparently they get bored, but I don't think there would be any parties in crew quarters.
I know one woman who got her own room, as a result of a promotion.

I think I'd consider a cruise ship if I had some valuable skill to make it worthwhile. I couldn't do it if it was a customer service position. I've thought a bit about going back to school to be a nurse, mostly because then I could work in the U.S. for a few years and try working on a cruise ship or work 2-3 days a week and still pay my bills. But I'm fairly certain my personality would not lend itself very well to nursing. Maybe if I were 18 and had the time and debt-taking potential, I'd do it, but it's not worth the trouble now.