Where am I going?

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You don't have to answer this. I'm at least trying to sort out what my problems are.

School seems like hell right now. I'm in the final quarter of junior year but I don't feel like I can take it. I just don't want to do the work anymore. I'm tired of waking up every morning with an upset stomach just so that I can stress my brain at school. I'm worried about college too - not only will I need to do four more years of work, but just getting in is going to be a financial burden, not to mention I have essays to write and I'm eventually going to have to support myself while going through school - I'm always feeling like I don't have enough "me" time on a standard school day, and I can only imagine what that would be like while going through school and a job.

I've become lazier about my schoolwork, and some of my grades have slipped recently. I got back on the High Honors list for third quarter, but all of my grades had decreased slightly (except for one that increased slightly, because I didn't want to give the teacher a reason to be angry at me). I never want to do work outside of school, and the feeling that I'm neglecting my responsibility is really eating away at me.

I don't feel really motivated to work on my own individual projects after school. I just sit around on the computer all the time. I have a good outline for the beginning of a story I've had in my head for nearly five years, but I never know what direction to take it in when I'm writing it. I still have notebooks full of sketches full of ideas, but the words don't come to me so easily. There's another thing - I've practically given up drawing outside of school, when I sketch in my notebooks. I just sit on the computer all the time, and I can't take myself away from it.

The whole world seems to be falling apart in general. Wars are going on, people are dying, and I might be able to become active if only I knew what exactly it was to do. Who do I write to? Will they even care? And what about all these theories being tossed around, about Earth getting hit by a giant meteor, flooding, freezing, or its people becoming too dependent on remote or diminishing resources? Are people around me going to die? Am I going to die? Am I going to finish everything before I die? What's death like? ...It goes on like that.

All the stress makes me feel like my brain will explode. At times I'm sitting in my room performing para-suicidal actions and other times I'm laying down and crying because I'm afraid of dying. This leads me to wonder about an afterlife or God. Is He out there? Does he hate me because of who I am? Am I a bad person? There are all sorts of reasons some people could argue that I am a bad person - I'm a glutton, I sit around a lot while the world goes by, I spend a lot of time pitying myself while I'm too afraid to help my friends with their own problems, I don't feel any connection to my family, I blaspheme a lot, I have an unconventional lifestyle...Aren't I a bad person?

On the subject of God, I don't feel a real connection with Him. Is it because he doesn't exist, or am I looking at this wrongly? Some people have told me that God loves everyone for who they are, and that he was willing to forgive people for their sins, but what if that's not true? The image of God that I was drawn was a commanding and vengeful figure of authority, and if I didn't do exactly what he specified, I'd burn for eternity. I can't understand what people mean when they say that He loves us - does He make time for each individual, listen to their pain, and provide sympathy, or is He the type who loves you as long as you stay within his guidelines? How do I know what God really wants? Everyone's telling me something different! I can't judge, because I feel like I have no experience with God - just recitations of the Bible and a bunch of people who can't seem to agree on what God actually wants.

Also, my family is driving me off the wall. I haven't felt an emotional connection since before middle school - since then my parents have become to me two figures of authority who I feel question every thought and decision that I make. I feel like they want me to feel dependent on them. I ask them not to give me things but they insist on doing so anyway. I feel like such an ass because they do this s**t and I can't feel anything for them. Then there's my brother - he's persistently loud and obnoxious, and lately he's been getting into fights with my parents, always over the same things, like the computer or his guitar playing. One night this drove my mother insane and she even started to shout at my father about something that wasn't his fault, which made me question just how much I could trust these family members. Often I feel trapped by these sorts of confrontations - it takes me at least an hour to walk someplace where I can relax, and at least once my mother refused to let me leave during an argument.

Also, I'm really upset about my social life. I just don't seem to bond with the people around me - there are some nice people, but I don't feel like they would like me. I sit in the corner, away from people most of the time. I'm too afraid to talk to most people at all, and all of my friends I've only met through circumstance, not through my own action. I'm pretty lovesick, too. There's this girl I've liked for a year and I know she probably doesn't like me but I can't get her out of my head, because she's always around when I go to lunch and gym. I just can't let go. People tell me that if someone rejects me that there are plenty of others, but I'm selective about the people that I like. How do I know where to find others? I'll just feel completely invalidated, and I won't even have a dream to hang onto anymore.

I don't know where I'm going. Sometimes I feel like I'm living just for the sake of it. Other times I cry over the future - about what consequences my own actions may have or things in the world around me that I may not be able to control. I feel like I'm trapped - between school, my societal obligations, my inability to leave home much of the time, and my lack of a social life. My moods sway a lot recently - when I feel happy, nothing can bring me down, and when I'm upset, all my emotions seem to be trying to let themselves out at once, but I don't know how to manage them. I've acted on urges lately that I never thought I could act on - what if I do something that I can't take back? I'm so confused right now.