Aah...

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Ok, so let's start about 4-5 weeks ago.

Some of you may have noticed my posts in 'The Haven' about mental health, depression and anxiety. This all started about 4 weeks ago, and my doctor advised me not to go on anti-depressants in case my depression was temporary. It isn't, sadly.



Well, yesterday I rang up Mind Info Line, which is a young person's mental health helpline, and asked to talk to somebody. After talking with the counsellor for a while, he said with my permission that he wanted to talk to Crisis (another helpline or something, I don't really know) and talk about what to do next.

I have a strong feeling that they (MIL) or Crisis will ring me with details of mental hospitals or an appointment at one or something.. and I really don't want to go to one, but since I've tried to kill myself a few times, am self-harming again and have lost all motivation to do anything, it'll be the best place for me I think...

I'm really confused.

And I am not expecting any replies to this post, I just needed to rant.

Depression sucks. I hope the next thing that happens brings joy into your life.

I was in a similar position a few years ago. When I reached out for help, I was told it would be several weeks before I could be seen by a social worker and then that person would screen me and determine if I needed a psychiatrist. To me, it was like the equivalent of a broken arm. I didn't need an ambulance, but I needed to be seen that day. While I waited for the stupid appointment (with a different doc, but it still took three weeks), I actually went out and got acupuncture treatment. It may seem completely off the wall, but I was desperate and it felt like it helped. Really.

Once I had a doctor, I asked what on earth I was supposed to do when I need urgent help but I'm not going to throw myself off a bridge that second. He said that you can actually go to the emergency department for that and they will give you some short-term help without the padded room. They don't actually like putting people in the hospital if it can be avoided. Health care crisis, bed/doctor shortage, and all.

Ok I think I figured out what I have.. been looking around the websites all day, so I have something to tell my psych on Friday...

I think I have Major Depressive Disorder (not Bipolar)...

The psychiatrist just rang me and said that he's gonna talk more with me on Friday to assess me, to see if he needs to refer me to a mental hospital.. I really hope not! But on the other hand, I don't want to lie at the appointment because as a friend's just told me if I lie and they figure out that I am holding things back, or have a plan to kill myself, that'll make it more likely for me to be admitted or something...

So what should I do? Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, ... and risk being admitted into a mental hospital.. or lie so they figure out that I'm not telling them the things that really matter and be admitted anyway??

I'm confused.

KatieRose,

Lying to psychologists is never a good idea, not because they'll see through it, but because they might not.


If someone said, "I have all the symptoms of a ruptured appendix, but I'm scared of surgery. I'll lie to the doctor and hope he doesn't notice and just treats me for indigestion," you would probably think that that is a bad idea.


You are in a similar position, forced to choose between unpleasant options, but you have to look at the long term effects of your choices, which is difficult to do while in the grip of depression. Hospitalization is temporary. Suicide is permanent.


Be honest with your doctor. You have nothing serious to lose. You may just wind up on anti-depressants. You should be. I know. I've been there.


I wish you great good luck.


Be strong,

Ikari Gendo

My vote: Be honest so that he can get a complete picture of what life is like in your head. I held back a symptom for years only to have it turn out to have major significance in a way that I didn't expect. (I see things out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I was afraid that I would be diagnosed as schizophrenic. It turns out they were part of my AS.)

At the same time, be very clear about stuff when appropriate. I hate the question, "Do you ever think about suicide?" Of course. I think about all kinds of stuff. "Do you have a plan?" Yes. I also have a plan of what to do if my husband is hit by a bus, what to do if I get a flat tire, and what to do if my kid gets cancer. I'm a planner and I plan everything. The important question that they forget to ask is, "Do you intend to attempt suicide today?" The answer to that is no. If you get asked a question that could give a wrong impression, clarify it - give an essay answer if needed.

If you have specific things that you want to make sure you mention, bring a list, like talking points.

Well guys, I think I'm gonna have to tell him the truth... even though I don't want to, because I'm damn well scared he's not going to let me go back home!

I'm gonna have to tell him all about my alcoholism, my depression, my self-harming, my fear of things around me, the panic attacks, the worthless feeling I have all the time and a million other things that are wrong with me..

It's going to be REALLY hard for me to be honest with him as well.

Especially on this question, which I KNOW will come up:

'Soon after you leave this appointment, are you going to harm yourself and/or others around you?'
To be honest, I don't know - and won't know - until when/if it happens.

Good for you, KatieRose.

And good luck.

{{hug}}

Best wishes for a productive and helpful outcome.

Ok i am really worried now, i am scared that i will be commited to a mental hospital and it hasnt helped me very much to be researching them tonight because i have just got even more worried! I am now terrified of getting locked up because how am i supposed to tell family and friends? They dont know and i am not sure how they will react to the fact that i might have to stay at a mental hospital for a while!

You can't get worried about what might happen. (I know, it's miserably hard.) Focus on getting through until your appointment. Being an organized patient. Let your doctor make his educated judgment. Be honest. Say that you are afraid of being hospitalized. In the UK, there are things like Home Treatment Teams that provide intensive assistance, yet in your home.

Other times, much less often, people do need a break from their daily life much like pressing a reset button on a computer. It's so on the fritz that only a reset will do. If you do end up in hospital, work with your care team on a good answer for family and friends. You aren't the first person to fear the stigma of being hospitalized.

It's like hepatitis. Many people get hepatitis, are very ill, but can be ill at home. Other times they need the resources of the hospital. The goal is to become well. Focus on the goal, as you were initially - the road may be very twisty but it is all about reaching that goal.

I don't know where you are in the UK, but here is a page from NHS Humber on their programmes: http://www.humber.nhs.uk/templates/Page.aspx?id=3747

Chin up. It'll all work out in the end.

i have suspishions of dementia entering my ears...