Should I Call Her?

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Today was Mother's Day. I nearly made it through, without getting emotional, but my older brother called me. I don't mind talking to him, so when I saw it was him on the caller ID, I answered the phone. Unknown to me, he had my mother on the other line. I don't talk to my mother nowadays, because she is very unkind, manipulative and uncaring. She will take anything I say, and twist into something else, and then spread it where it will do the most damage. She has alienated my younger brother and sister against me, and will play innocent if confronted. Anyway, I got sucked into a conversation with her. She started insisting that I call her tomorrow, so that she can really talk to me. I always end up crying after talking to her, but will feel guilty if I don't call, having said that I will.

I'm so sick of feeling like I have to please her. If I don't call, she will complain to my brother and he will call me to scold.

My mother and I have a good relationship, but she and my sister have had - how can I say this - difficulties.

My mom's sister and she had a horrible relationship. My aunt blamed my mom for all of the ills in her life, my aunt was manipulative, and generally not a nice person. She even came to our house and stole things. The last decade or so before my aunt died, I told my mom that she had always been nasty, and why not just accept her nastiness and stop hoping for a good relationship.

Its hard, but I believe that if someone makes you feel bad about yourself, sometimes it is the best thing to limit contact. I did that with my sister, who treated me badly, and after a few years and some "come to Jesus" discussions, my sister and are are pretty close now.

I figure that I am the only one that can let the insensitivity of my relatives get to me. I have been polite, and I will talk to them, but if the conversation strays to how I'm not religious enough etc., I politely extricate myself and I don't call back.

Just because you are blood relatives, doesn't mean that you have to accept bad behavior. You can be in control.

Z

Sorry you had an emotional mothers day Hartz. My mother was a bit controlling, manipulative and used humuliation (instead of guilt) to get her way. However, I could keep my distance and I think it is a tad easier to do so when your a guy. It took a bit of therapy for me to come to terms with my mother. If I meet someone now with the same controlling personality a knot forms in my chest and I stay clear of them. Actually, I'm so sensitive that a knot formed in my chest when I read your post describing your mom.

I hope your conversation goes well with your mother tomorrow if you call, and stand up for yourself!

Wondering if you could deal with this set of circumstances by altering your perception of it, making it fiction.

Like pretending she was dead, and you were going to travel back in time and have one phone conversation with her while she was still alive.

What would you rather do?
Endure some scolding from your brother? or talk to your mother just to please her and the rest of your family?

You are sick of feeling like you have to please her but the truth is, you don't have to. You say she is manipulative and from what you've described about her, I see a legitimate reason why you don't want to call her.
In my opinion, don't call her if it's just to please others.

It's your choice though.

Start with small steps. If she wants to talk to you, she should be the one to call, not you. This is the NTs' way - whoever needs the other more has to make the most effort in the relationship. This is the NTs' rule of the game, and why you should play it? Because that's what they understand and respect: power. If you don't take your power, they take it. Yes, often mothers too.

I appreciate the responses. I had been successfully ignoring her for about six months. I think what changed the equation, is that she used to live far away, but now has come to live with some relatives of mine only 40 minutes away. I fear having them descend upon me and forcing me to revisit the past. It was easier when she was far away. I've decided not to call her today, and just wait until I feel more stable. It was bad enough feeling forced to talk to her on Sunday!

I went for a really long time once without talking to my mom.
It's really what can of worms you want.