Unspecified Rant...ARGHH!

Post Reply New Topic

Day in and day out, I do the same thing over and over again. Not physically, but mentally. I wake up in the morning or night (depending when i've slept) dreading the day/night ahead of me. I have breakfast, no matter what it is, it tastes dull. I watch tv, no matter what programme is on, no matter what I learn from it, it's boring. If I go out somewhere, regardless of location it all looks the same....buildings, trees, roads, sand, water, cars, people...it doesn't matter how unique something is, it's like i've seen it one million times before, it's boring. Music used to be an inspiration for me, but now, I listen to it just because it's available, not because I enjoy it. I am naturally a creative person, but all I can write about in poetry or stories is negativity. Poetry is supposed to be creative, but like everything else, it all looks the same, no matter how different it really is.

It's like everything I see, touch, hear, smell and taste has a dark tint to it. This tint seems to take all the enjoyment out of it, leaving it plain. I know there are many thousands of people who die each year so I am lucky to still have a life. But I don't feel alive.
I am constantly checking the time. It's not like I have anything to do, but I just want to know how much more time i've wasted. Time seems to be going slow but fast at the same time. Physically, 24 hours seems like forever...but I look around and see eveything changing and prgressing, where as I stay time same. I can physically change my looks and act a different way but inside me, I am the same person. I know that shouldn't be a complaint and it's not meant to be, but I really want to be a different person. I want to be someone better, someone with a purpose, someone who has something to offer to world. I know that everyone is unique, but uniqueness doesn't always come with greatness. I don't want to be famous, or even popular, I just want to be happy in my surroundings and with my life.

There are many people suffering out there from malnutrition and diseases that could easily be cured by a medicine that only costs $1 in some parts of the world, yet they are happy, and most of them are children. I wonder where these children get their positivity from amoungst all of their negative surroundings. Some have virtually nothing, but have the motivation and spirit of an angel. Some people have many things, but are depressed, angry and hate the world.

I don't know where i'm going with this, or what it means. I don't know what i'm wanting to gain from this post or why i'm even writing it. I don't even know if I am myself of if someone else is me. What I DO know, is that no matter where I am at any given moment, life goes on and time waits for no body...and time for me, is running out. I could die at any moment without having done anything worth doing, anyone could. But the thing is, I used to be afraid of death but now I realise that I am more dead than alive.

Hey I know exactly how you feel and I am 8 years older than you and still haven't found who I want to be even though society expects me to be by now. We all have to find who we are in our own time, you can't really force self-discovery. But yeah I know the feeling of being frustrated that things haven't changed and what not.

Heres a little truth though, there is a season for times of consistency and a season for change. Right now from what you say its just one of those seasons in your life where things are being consistent even though it can be boring. I am sure I'm in one of those times in my life right now as well, but I know a season can quickly change and right now I anticipate more change coming my way soon. You'll get that change soon too I think, don't think time is running out. You are still pretty much at the beginning of your life even though you are now aware that time continues on I think you should worry about only what you can control. After all, you can only truly control your mind and your body and merely influence or be influenced by the people or things around you.

I apologize in advance if any of what I say makes you feel worse or it doesn't make sense to you :-s

Yep, taking it all in, then what. There does come a point where all is the same. It is.

The answer is do, but do what? At your age, it is the shift between second and third on a standard transmission, a pause before hitting cruising speed, and it seems forever.

You need a space filler, talking to dogs and horses is good, they are always happy, and it rubs off. Animals are the best cure for peopleitis.

Other than that you need a hobby, one that you can talk to people about, people who share that interest.

I walk, just being in motion helps, then I walk farther, and farther, using my body for what it is designed for, covering twenty miles a day on foot. That is a three hour walk to somewhere, and a walk back. Goings in different directions I build a local map at a personal level, not streets, people, but land, hills, forests, and horses to stop and chat with.

Just being in motion, breathing deep, looking into the distance. Food tastes much better, I have energy, I sleep soundly, and get up ready to go and do again. Go be an animal on the prowl.

]

Well if a season of consistancy lasts for 2 years...then that could be whats going on.
The thing is, the consistancy of my life isn't necessarily good, because the things in my life are bad. It's my own fault as I seem to drag negativity with me wherever I go.
You say not to think that time is running out...but it truly is, it always is and always will until for me, there is none left. You say i'm pretty much at the beginning of my life, but for all I know, I could die tomorrow...which means I would be near the end.

In theory, worrying about what you control would be the best solution. But if you control it, there's no need to worry about it. That's why people worry about things out of their control. Besides, i'm not really in control of anything anymore. Some say that you need to direct your life into the future that you want, but it seems like the world is pushing my present into a future in which is bad for me.
You talk about self-discovery and that everyone discovers who they are in their own time, but i'm not so sure about that. I was asked yesterday at a social group to tell the new students a bit about myself so they could get to know me...I didn't know what to say. I could say my name, age and that I don't go to school, but anything beyond that is unknown. I don't know if my likes and dislikes are real, or just a front to conseal the real issue. I don't even know what i'm interested in. I'm a stranger to myself.

Hmmm, what is this consistent negativity that follows you? Feelings? Emotions? Memories? Something has robbed your joy because there was a time you did enjoy things and knew what you enjoyed. I think that could be it, something negative is popping up in everything. Either a memory, something an inner voice from in your mind said to you, or it could even be thinking about things you have no control over but still bother you. Only you have the power to find out within yourself what the trouble is. I can only offer meager knowledge and possible suggestions at this point. I am sorry I can do nothing more than that .

Feelings...sure. Emotions...yeah. Memories...you bet.
I have nothing but negative or neutral memories of my past. I can't remember the last time I wasn't faking my own satisfaction or happiness with my life. Everything around me seems negative and I don't know why.
I know that only I can figure out what my problem is. That's the hard thing about it as I have no idea where to start looking or what to look for.



Don't be sorry. I don't expect my problems to be solved via an internet forum.

I hope things improve with you soon!