I hate feeling this way

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I really do. I'm having one of those days where you don't feel like doing any of the things you normally do and it really is weak. Working on videos has been helping keep my mind off of things like my past. Anyway, I look on the haven here and I see the same cycle of pain and suffering going on through so many people that I experienced not too long ago.

What saddens me is my feeling of inability to say anything to dull the pain and I know words like " It'll get better eventually." won't do the people suffering justice. Being a former sufferer of such things like depression, suicide, etc. I don't want to waste their time by telling em things that they probably are going to ignore and what they probably hear all the time from people. What I can say is that you are not alone in your suffering and that there are others like me who overcame it eventually.

Defeating the inner demons is probably the hardest part in that regard. I speak for myself that it was only through God and his word that I finally was able to silence those voices in my mind for good as well as support from my family/friends. The funny thing about those voices is that they only have so much power as you allow them. Those voices can't harm you but they can get you to harm yourself and they act almost like Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings. Wearing you down through constant mental torment like a mosquito constantly harassing you and slowly sucking you dry. But, you start resisting the voices and rebuking them with the truth and you can start to cut through the lies they send you.

Because if you keep listening to the lies, eventually you will start to believe them. I can say that from experience. I see the same messages they send to many here, making you believe you are worthless, that you are meaningless, and that the only worth you will have is when you are buried in the ground and are fed to the worms. I know those words all too well, and those are lies, every last one of them.

Bah I want to be able to talk about the message I received but I am not sure people would understand it even though I do. I just hate feeling like I can't express myself to even my own Aspie peers! It just all boils down to trust and I want to be able to explain the message but in a way that doesn't offend anyone especially if you have a grudge against God for whatever reason. In other words I want to talk about it but I am just not sure if people here are ready for it. And no its not a message begrudging you for being weak, its an empowering message that allowed me to finally silence the demons (for me at least).

I dunno why I end up listening to this music while I am in the Haven but I do anyway. Anyway someone posted the song with images on Youtube so you can get the idea.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMyIG2EKPoE[/youtube]

Maybe the theme reflects all the hurt and all the anguish going on, I dunno it just fits to me for some reason. I also seem to listen to it alot when I am in moods like this.

I just hate feeling like I can't do anything to help people going through the exact same thing. I mean I got an answer that really helped me and that was God/family pulling me back together. I know unfortunately for quite a few people that their family is not supportive and looks on them with contempt. Sigh, they don't see the special qualities of their son or daughter and end up beating them or yelling at them as if they were a dog that needed discipline. I like to think Aspies are like cats living in a world of social dogs. We obviously have a reason to be here, otherwise we would never have been made.

The problem is that we break the consistency of what society considers normal people and in stereotypical human fashion they let emotion combined with their inability to understand get out and lash out against us either directly or indirectly. I wish I could be there, give them a hug and tell them they are not alone and that these dark times will pass.

Ya know a thought occurred to me. We are in a state of war right now, not in the physical sense, but at war against ideals and in the mind. I mean we can teach people how to fight in the real world yet in our own inner world(Our minds) we are constantly being attacked by ideals, memories, dark impulses, and hurtful things that were said to us. Yet not alot of people know how to train others to fight the battle of the mind and that can be just as devastating to be destroyed mentally as it is physically.

I know what its like to be mentally shattered to pieces. Drill instructors from my USMC memories and the rest of my childhood were dark times and everytime they are brought up the wounds of my mind make me physically wince. The old sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me is quite a crock of bull*&^%. Because these feelings, these memories, they DO HURT. In a different sense but its still painful and though I got through it and now those feelings, memories, etc. no longer control me it doesn't mean that they still don't hurt to remember.

Thats why I always have to be vigilant, always guarding myself against any of those inner voices and quiet them quickly. Never giving them any inch of ground in my mind, and that is where the battle truly lies.

Our war is not against flesh and blood but against the unseen and it all starts in the mind.

Not at all I am kinda a buff on the subject but not on the exact dates of various wars and what not and your statement regarding the battle of the mind preventing the battle of flesh and blood I think is accurate. Real war usually happens when diplomacy fails or like you said paranoia occurs and said nation goes to make the first strike even though they may or may not realize that they may be attacking under false pretenses.

Yeah this topic isn't about war but at the same time it is. The war of the mind is raging all around us in this forum. Many who are wounded and hurt mentally but no one knows how to heal them. Major battles breaking out between parents vs children or friends against friends on various subjects. Battles against our inner demons or even our own past memories or even emotions. Though the physical wars may lax at times and there will be "peace", the war of the mind is always raging.

Its understandable through that mindset why many of us need a time to just be away from people. To get away from the mental conflict and be able to express our frustrations at our situations. Which is why a forum like this I believe exists, to give people who have no support, a sanctuary of some kind to vent and express their grief or to let others know of what is transpiring.

I just hate feeling like this is all I can do, is provide what little insight I can give, I wish I could do more than this at times.

I hope things improve with you soon!