Meaningless depression

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I don’t think there’s any way out for me. I’m tired of having this invisible wound. I look around at other people and at least they have a reason to be depressed. My life is fortunate. I have a supportive family. I have gotten into a top PhD program in the field I always wanted to study. I feel like I have no reason to be so miserable but I am. I feel like I’m expected to feign happiness around people but I don’t have the energy to do that anymore. I don’t have the energy to talk to anyone. I don’t have anything in me anymore. They all bore me to tears. I see people and I feel nauseated by their presence. They fill the air with laughter and chatter and I get nothing from it. I’m tired of being ignored because people only want empty gregariousness in friends.

I know I’m chemically/biologically depressed but I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do about it anymore. I’m so bored and emotionally flat it’s like I’ve been poisoned. I’ve been on f*****g anti-depressants for 10 years now and they don’t f*****g work on me anymore, at all. I think it was stupid to be on those pills for so long. My serotonin is probably burnt out. If the psychiatrists can’t find a way to fix me so I can feel something again I’m afraid I may have to opt out of this life. Too bad psychiatry is full of s**t. I want them to be able to measure what the f**k is wrong with me. I’m tired of experimenting with worthless pills. Feels like it’s all a money making gimmick with no real science behind it. They basically don’t know what the f**k they are doing.

Unfortunately there’s no one to help me with getting the f**k out of life. I can’t be expected to live like this for the rest of my life and I don’t care what other people think anymore. I won’t be able to get my PhD because I just don’t care about science anymore. I won’t be able to work a 9-5 job either because I don’t have the energy and it’s all dull as s**t to me now.

try naturopathic treatment. there is actually science behind it.

some options are omega 3s, b vitamins, 5 htp, multimineral, vit d, tyrosine taurine, l-dopa
and bach flower essences

You're a Grad student, right? Well, you have been attending college for so long that you need a vacation...or a long break from
all that studying. Life is a trip, not a destination. Get out and start enjoying life for the simple pleasures you are letting slip by.
Life is too short to focus too much on an advanced degree, like a Ph.D. Your depression is not "meaningless."

Then, when you feel happier and less depressed, you can always pick up those university textbooks if you still want to.

Best of luck to you!

Thanks.

The thing is just a year and a half ago I was loving it. I actually liked studying. It was never something I just pushed myself through for the prestige. I don't really care about the PhD itself. Graduate school was supposed to be an escape from having to do the normal dull 9-5 thing. I’ve tried a 9-5 job before and I can’t motivate myself to get up on time. At least graduate school is a place where I can motivate myself to work.

I always wanted to do science for a living because I know I will hate any job that doesn't involve thinking. I need to be able to think to be happy but now even that isn't enough. Nothing is enough to satisfy me anymore and the hole is growing. This is very scary. I have a horrible sickening feeling.

Hi there,
I'm sorry that you are feeling depressed. Wish I could help.
Maybe I can a bit. Nightbender has a good point by opting Omega 3s, B-vitamins and others things I don't know well. What I like to ad to his advice is ZINC. Nearly all autistic people have shortages of this metal. Also magnesium and extra vit.C. (supplements). Maybe St. Johns wort. Do as you wish with it.
By the way I am Ceesjan, 37 and I am Dutch. It could be that my spelling isn't always correct. In case> sorry, about that. I have no official dx. but I'm sure I'm autistic. High- Functioning that is.
In either case I hope you feel better soon.

I know the feeling , WORD FOR WORD my friend , plus i take Vyvance which always helped my depression for a few hours but then totally totally reversed the feeling later, and it was the only thing that worked for me . just hold on. If you're like me , it should slowly subside, try asking your doctor about stimulants , then even if you can't feel better all the time , the pep from it will at least give you a sense of security for a few hours a day to help you get through.

a multimineral contains magnesium and zinc as well as other essential minerals

dont mess with stimulants they would only make your situation worse in the long run

What kind of medications have you tried.

Have you tried eating a low glycemic diet.

Are you getting enough protein.

A warning about St John's Wort...one needs to stay out of the sun if using this supplement. I have been taking some energy supplements that also seem to be lifting my mood. Kept me calm during the earthquake today.

Actually I drink coffee and it has a similar effect. Helps very briefly but the after effect is sometimes worse than before.

It always seems to come in very intense episodes. For most days my depression is more of a general ennui and irritability. However the past few days it’s gone into a more intense stage where I start to feel this pressure behind my eyes. It’s like I’m on the verge of crying but can’t quite reach the point. Also have this queasy sensation like I’m trembling on the inside. Utter nastiness. It’s true that only a stimulant takes away this horrible feeling in the moment.