Just shoot me now (My defective body and other musings)

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I'm so sick of this s**t.

I have what is called "chronic fatigue syndrome" -- caused, in my case, by a mono infection that never quite left.
So I also have fibromyalgia (which is basically a last-resort diagnosis they give when they don't know what to do with you anymore). This makes me CONSTANTLY sore and aching all over, and exhausted, like I am sick and hungover 24/7-- I can't think, can't function at all.. I can't do anything but sleep and lay down otherwise I will literally be fainting all over the house. I've seen numerous doctors, and they haven't helped.

I feel like a crippled old woman, not a 19 year old. I exercise, I eat well drink water drink tea choke down all these useless goddamn supplements and for what?? I still wake up feeling like my bones turned into lead over night, all nauseous and headachey. So then I have to take caffeine and Rhodiola rosea (which works kind of like an herbal, safe adderall) which makes me feel fantastic for 4or so hours and then horrible for the next couple hours.. Rarely do I manage to sleep a full night.
My mind never turns off. Ever. I suppose this can be good part of the time... My thoughts are lightning-speed, this electric stream of consciousness that never stops, that demands that I crawl out of bed at 4am to wander around the neighborhood or write down some note or picture or incomprehensible story..
at night, especially my thoughts are disturbingly lucid which may seem good (the creativity!) but it isn't, it leads to all sorts of strangeness.
..such as OCD list-making. Really OCD. God, how pathetic.

I'm still afraid of falling asleep.I can't sleep until my body forces me to.. It scares me. I'm afraid of dying of some unknown illness and waking up in a scary place.

I don't like being so up-and-down all the time... But I have no alternative. None. The only alternative is drinking, which although wonderfully effective, is not possible because I live in my mom's house.
So the only alternative is not taking anything and living as a vegetable. I'm serious.

Oh, and by the way. Why the hell do women still have to have periods? Why haven't we evolved past that? The endometriosis that I have is bad enough, excruciating enough-- and now I'm starting to show and feel symptoms of what could be Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.. which is just.. Ugh.
THIS IS NOT. WORTH. IT.

Why oh why couldn't I have instead been born as a man in the Victorian era, in a quaint little city in France? Why?


What was wrong with the person or thing that designed this mess? What were they thinking? This planet is like a circus, run by monkeys. The man behind the curtain is dead. Or drunk and passed out.

The Glandular Fever at least WILL pass. Keep strong.

But... I had it 4 years ago. So I don't think it's that; the doctor just said I still have a high amount of Epstein-barr because of it, or something like that.