I have a friend in a really bad place...

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I'm not going to give details, as my name and picture have been on this board, and I don't want anything traced.

My friend has extremely destructive tendencies. She "wants" something, that is merely a compulsive desire, and she wants me to help her fulfil this. If I am not there for it, then she will find someone else, or something else to get her "fix." This to me is the most tragic thing, as I cannot get it through to her that this is not who she is. She thinks this is a part of her, and will "brag" about her compulsions to me, in hopes that I will leap forward and take part. I will not. She is cutting the connection between me and her right now, simply because I will not engage in this thing. People are more than their compulsions, and I feel she needs MAJOR help, as her self esteem is so shot right now I would not be surprised to read a terrible news article about her. I have to work right now, cannot be there all the time, cannot speak to her all the time, and I feel TERRIBLE because I don't know what to say, because I know one day she will hurt herself for it. I've caused her pain, because of my callous behaviour in the past, which is COMPLETELY inexcusable, but it's happened, and we've moved from there. She knows I care about her, but wonders why I do, why I don't want to just feed the compulsion, and sees nothing at all wrong with it. I know, it's "possible" that there is nothing wrong, because people assume so much, and all that crap, but I can't express how DANGEROUS this is, her behaviour. It opens up some frightening doors. I need some help in dealing with this, and wish to involve nobody but possibly her mom. I believe she might have AS, and have told her about it, explained that she should check it out, and have done it in the most tact way possible. Her answer was short, and terse, and she will not consider the idea AT ALL. She's many hallmarks of AS, a textbook case with some co-morbid things going on.

Oh, BTW, "just show her you care" DOES NOT WORK. She doesn't understand it, or flat out refuses it. We've cried together at times, and have shared things deep, but she's hit a wall, and only wants one thing at the moment and I cannot get through. Something has to be done.

Please help.

I will not explain the problem exactly, will not confirm, deny, or address anybody who's trying to figure out what exactly the compulsion is. Only help regarding possible action I can take is what I need, any thoughts regarding, or questions are welcome. I'll be back at 3 o'clock.

If she is in danger of harming herself or others professional care may be required. It can be all too easy to get guilt tripped in to a situation where you feel compelled to help but also helpless because you cannot use the resources of any outsiders.

Some people can be rather toxic whether intentional or not. It is up to you to decide whether you have any feasible way of helping her situation or indeed any responsibility whatsoever.

If you are being asked to participate in something you consider to be unreasonable and there is no particular physical danger for anyone then I would be inclined to observe from a safe distance and only reward rational behavior with your company.

The last thing you need is to be feeding compulsions and remaining to be part of the problem. It hurts immensely to sever ties with someone you love/care about but you need to look out for yourself here and decide if you even have a place trying to help this girl work out her problems, especially if she has approached you to feed her compulsion.

Parental involvement sounds like a good avenue to explore as that is usually where the responsibility lies anyway.

If you tell nothing concrete, what advice are you expecting for, then?

I think I know what you're talking about, JR. Are you afraid for your own safety? Your life? Really, you must give us something more.

Not my safety, not my life. Hers.

Thanks Rusty, I appreciate the post.

And yeah, pardon me for being vague, but I've reasons. I hoped to give a circumstance, one which you could imagine (supposedly hard for aspies, I'm sorry!), and possibly help.

The parental thing MIGHT help, but there are issues there as well. It's a mess, all I can say about that.

No one on WP can help you with this problemm if you don't tell us what's going on.

You might as well shut up about it, then.

Rusty's already has. Anyway, I see some have missed the reason I have remained vague... Not too hard, you understand or you don't. If anyone's had a friend like mine right now, they don't need the details. Anyway, I got this off my chest, really have no solution, but still it's helped just posting this here, and I appreciate the time and concern guys.

I think it is possible to give advice without all the details, it may fit your situation or may not, only you will know. Here goes:

JR, you mentioned that her behaviour is dangerous. This tells me alot and the answer is simple. If you really care about your friend, which it sounds like you do, I would not help her to indulge in this compulsion. People who have addictions or compulsions that are dangerous do so for many reasons. Often the underlying reason (or one of) is anxiety or a self-esteem issue; if you help your friend you are ony helping her in the short term.

Personally speaking I knew someone in my life who was addicted to heroin. This person meant the world to me, I would help this person anyway I could without aiding their addiction. Thankfully they are managing this addiction now.

I would advise to let your friend know firstly that you will be there for her. This means you are prepared to listen (as friends do) and basically offer support. However I would also make it very clear to her that you are not prepared to help her satisfy this compulsion. Initially I think you will find that your friend will turn away from you; she may even say hateful things. This is where you need to be strong and stay calm. Reinforce that you will support her. Secondly, if the problem is dangerous I would definately tell her parents. Remember, in the short term she may hate you, but hopefully one day she will understand why you did what you did.

Lastly, you mentioned that you have let her down in the past and acted in a callous way. Do you think that maybe you are helping her indulge in this compulsion due to feeling some guilt for that behaviour in the past? I know when I've been cruel to people in the past it has stopped me from being forthright with that person as I have thought to myself, who am I to talk, look what I've done, however you NEED to put that aside and not let it stop you from truely helping your friend.

I hope this helps JR, and I hope your friend sees happier times soon.

I've refused to aid the addiction, and this WAS one of the sticking points. We've moved past this, and she's talking about many other things, like before finally.

Happy times definately not ahead, but better at least. We had a close connection, one that is now cut and never will be repaired, not to the degree it was before anyway.

Her parents are actually part of the problem, and I would only resort to telling them in order for her to get professional help. I didn't make this clear at first, but tis the truth... They actually do know, and have "lived" with it so long, it's not an issue for them... I'm grappling with whether to bring it to their attention for the help that they can possibly pay for.

So far, staying with my gut has helped to a degree, as I know esteem issues and anxiety are both issues behind the problem. It's relatively easy for me to stick with my position knowing these things, it's just difficult to "be there" on the level we were once at. Getting better as we speak however.

Mon, your post is helpful and you are quite perceptive of what's going on, and I thank you for the encouraging words.

Keeping head up, and ears open. Tryin' best I can...