Dad/Xmas shopping-I want to cry.

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Okay please excise me but I just need to get this out. It's okay if no one replies I just need to get it out.

So I went shopping with my dad today for the xmas food. I asked him to come at 1.30 because I had stuff to do the rest of the day and I needed to be back in time (okay, just Xmas tv, but I love watching it and had already planned my xmas tv around going out so I don't have any tapes).

First of all he shows up 5 minutes late. Then when he comes we end up just sitting there in his car because he wants to enjoy a long cigarette. Coupled with this his listening to a comedian show on the radio he's conplaining about how the guys irritating him, and so since it's hurtung my ears I ask if he can put something else on, and he's starts getting snappy with me going "fine" and putting a tape on, I tell him he doesn't have to (even though it literally was hurting my ears) and he's all "no no it fine" but all snappy like. This is when I suspect he's got low blood sugar, but I need the Xmas shopping done, and since I'm agorophobic, and can't carry it all myself I need him to take me and help me with it.

So we get there and I suggest we go to the end of the aisles and work our way down and then get the frozen stuff last (makes logical sense to me) but no he wants to get the goose first, so I agree not wanting to get into an arguement. Then he goes down the wrong aisle, I bring it up and he snaps at me "look just follow me and don't ask questions!"

He spend the entire time second guessing the list that my mum wrote never mind that I went over with it and know what she meant (biscuitss means the ones in tins, olive oil means a particular cooking oil not that one) never mind that I do her shopping all the time and no how to read what she means.

Then this woman gets in front of me, and he literally pushes me into saying "hit her in the ass so she gets out of the way" it takes all my strenght not to hit her.

Then we're nearly through and he says to me "you have enough money to pay for this right?" I should say here, that he always pays for the Xmas shopping, he's done so every year for 24 years. Mum does the cooking and allows him round (which considering all he's done/does for us emotionally and mentally makes her Ghandhi!) so I say no, I assumed he was going to pay for it.

Naturally I get all stressed out as I don't have the money to pay for it, ( I budgeted enough money for the goose, since only me and mum would have eaten it, and our drinks. which again only me and mum woulld have drunk) and he says he's only kidding. Which as annoyed as it makes me would be fine, then when we've done all the shopping and are about to pay he brings it up again and says since he was invited why should he pay, never mind that he had a whole year to mention this if he didn't want to pay for it. Then I bring up the fact that the only reason he's coming wrong is because mum doesn't want to upset me. (not to make him feel bad, just to let him no that my mumm doesn't have to cool for him. And I say can he let me know if he isn't going to pay so I can put things back. He's starts getting snappy again. Saying it's not like he want to come round either. So I sa well if he doesn't want to come he doesn't have to.

Long story short, he's coming and he's (in a snappy voice) fine with paying. I offer to pay half, and that's when I realise, the reason we're shopping in Sainsbury is because of the Necter Points that I've been saving for all year. I am paying for the shopping, or at least 30 quids worth. I take the cart to the cashier hand him the card and say I need to go outside and take a breath. Now I'm agorophobic, and don't have my walkman, yet I'd rather be outside at this point than be near him.

Anyway after I've taken a breathe dispite the fact he say he doesn't want it. I give him half for the shopping which means with Necter point I paid 70quid, he paid 40.

And then in the car I realise, he mums chocolates (that he always gets her, regardless of whether he's got the shopping with me) so If we take those out of the 40 quid,, it probably comes to 20 quid that he paid, for everything that he himself will eat.

The thing is no even I don't want him round for Xmas, but I can hardly uninvite him, especially since he paid for his "half" plus his pork, which we don't eat.

Anyway I know me, I know that I'll get over it by Xmas, Just like I always do, no matter what he does to me and mum, no matter how many times he enjoys doing stuff to upset us, because he finds it funny, I'll get over it. I hate that I'm like that, But I'm not a daddys girl and my dad is a narcissist, and so he had ways of making my feel guilty that I'm not as close to him as I am to my mum.

And even then I need him to take me out and to go shopping on my bad days. otherwise we'd starve. I wouldn't no how to go about getting someone to help me do these things. and even if I did it would mean interaction with other people. Plus without his help I'm not going to be able to get a diagnosis.

So basically I'm trapped into having a relationship with my father.

OMG! I'm sorry. He's been a REAL ass hole. "hugs" You definately need a christmas without that father from hell! You don't diserve his crap! He may think it's funny, and he is amusing himself doing it, but I feel that he doesn't have a right to treat you all like that.

Thank you!

What gets me it all would have been fine if he'd just brought it up, never mind the rest of the year, I would have been fine if he mentioned he didn't think it was fair to pay yesterday!

Just not as we we're going to pay!

You won't have to have the relationship forever.


He sounds horrible.


I don't think you even have to have it now. Why does he have to drive you places? You and your mother don't drive? Then why don't you shop for a little at a time and go more than once rather than getting big loads and having to have him drive you?


Good luck, anyway. He must be a lonely person to want to have Christmas dinner with you and your mother if he doesn't really like you. And your mother must be equally lonely.

I have Agorophobia (as has my mum)and Social phobia, and there are days I can't go out. I don't drive and getting taxis and Buses would cost to much as we're both on benefit. And since It hard to go out just once a day going out more would probably completely overwhelm me.

My mum is completely housebound so I do all the shopping, paying the rent/water/gas in at the post office. Getting the electric from the shop up town.

Plus since my mum can't leave the house, I need him to come with me to the doctors so he can convince her to refer me to an AS specialist. I can't go on my own because I've had issues with her, she's said that she doesn't refer when it comes to social stuff, but she's in the past refered me to a Anxiety group at a hospital that you needed a referal for.

What a nightmare! Neither you nor your mom deserve to be treated like that.

The grocery store is the most common place for me to suffer anxiety, so I can relate. I don't know if this will help, but maybe you can check out a store where you can have your groceries delivered.

Good luck with Christmas; I wish you the best.

Thank you, I have considered that. But I don't know if I do that I'll find an excuse to retreat in to my house and hardly go out even more.

Most of the time I can go to Sainsbury on my own it's just on bad days and when I need lots of shopping that my dad has to help. And it's to near to get a bus or taxi, and to far to go on my own.

The thing that really aannoys me though is how easy I get over it.

He called an hour ago and it was like nothing had happened with either of us. I was perfectly fine with him on the phone and wasn't annoyed. I'm lousy at keeping a grudge, even when the person repeatedly treats me bad.

Forgive and forgets all very well when it's your choice but when your incapable of doing otherwise it doesn't seem right!