I think I'm headed for divorce. How do I keep my kids?

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copy pasted from another forum:


It was the biggest meltdown I've ever had. I'm not even sure what triggered it, but my mother in law was here and she wouldn't leave. All I could think of was 'GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!' I lost the ability to speak, but I was trying to get her to leave by ignoring her. I was freaking out cleaning my house and doing laundry because I have a party here today. I have been thinking that my MIL is trying to take my son away from me, as in kidnap. And I hate her.

After she left I felt almost instantly fine. But then my husband told me, "You are about to lose your entire family."

I'm pissed and confused. They are trying to kidnap my son.

still need some more info about the kidnap thing. but adding the word "divorce" did explain a lot. so you have talked about divorce then? or you are just afraid it is coming?

So I've been thinking about this all day. I realize it sounds paranoid to say I think someone is going to kidnap my son, but when my husband threatened me with "You are about to lose your whole family," I realized that I am indeed onto something fishy.

Yes, it was a very threatening statement.

I have told my family that I think I have AS. They didn't believe me. But now I think maybe my MIL does believe me, but doesn't really understand AS. Now she thinks I'm unfit to parent, and in her twisted mind thinks that she would be a better parent than me. So she wants my 4yo, and thinks it would be in his best interest to take him away from me. It just terrifies me that AS could be used against me in a custody battle.

Hopefully that doesn't sound so paranoid as my first message.

My husband and I have been having a rough time for over a year. I've been wanting to try to work things out, but I am beginning to see that our relationship isn't fixable. I think whatever we do is going to be too little, too late. Now I am going into self-defense mode. I don't even know how to get a divorce.

yes, your fears are understandable now. so if you got a divorce, would you be able to financially support yourself? would you want joint or sole custody?

there would be no reason to declare you an unfit mother just because you have AS. but a case could be made if you have no way to care for yourself and your child on your own. or if there are some other problems you have not shared... do you have a job?

Where do you live? Divorce laws vary greatly by location. One thing you must do to keep your kids is establish what they call "primary care", meaning, you spend more time with them. Also, don't move out of the marital home unless you absolutely have to.

I just went through a fairly nasty divorce; feel free to PM me if you have questions or just need support. I'll try to be nice

wow thats really a big problem but as far as i know you can have a devorse by calling a lawyer and starting a court and probbely need to do some other things (but thats something normaly lawyers know about)
but im not realy sure if youll get to have your kid to live with you because of the AS they'll probbely gonna pick the best parent wich has most money and has the most time for the kid AS probbely going to pull you
back a little but thats something to leave for your defence (Whats a MIL)
(people without as think its a retardation or something)

I went thru a divorce from the kid side, so maybe I can shed some light.

Firstly, most states favour the mother when it comes to custody issues. So right there you start with just an eensy bit of leverage. Now, at 4 years old, your son is far to young to decide which parent he wants to live with, so he'll be spared that hell.

Now, I can almost guarentee from your posts that the husband and MIL are going to use AS against you. Come prepared. Search now for a lawyer who understands you. Bring tons of paperwork for the judge so they can read up on what AS is and how it affects you. If they try to claim it makes you nutty or unfit, offer to do a psych eval with any shrink the judge assigns. Most of them will have heard of AS by now...

Also, remember your son is not a pawn. Getting more time with him than the other person is not 'winning'. I know it sounds like something you would never do, but every parent does it at some point. You need to realise that even if you and his father aren't together, he still needs you both to become the man he's gonna need to be. Shoot for 50-50 custody, cause it gives him the most time with each parent. Work schedules and such will be worked out in the decree.

Most family court judges started out as some sort of shrink, so they will look for clues for insanity. This means DO NOT FIGHT in the courtroom. Fighting is the best way to 'loose' the case. Oh, and NEVER talk any sort of s**t on your husband in front of your son. He may be questioned by the judge. Even if you hate the man and wish he would die, he's your kids father. And from the sound of things, he'll be talking enough trash for the both of you.

I remember my parents fighting constantly. My mother had a drug charge on her head she had to fight constantly to keep us. My father was an abusive asshat who left me permantally disabled. Mums drug charges were partially her own fault, and partially my dad blowing every little thing far out of proportion. So watch for that. The one time you may have smacked your sons hand for reaching for something becomes abuse, and by golly it's so much worse when retold by the one trying the defeat you.

Keep your head up. If you remain calm and composed, you'll come out on top. Contain everything to the point of being robotic if you must, then come here and blow your lid. We'll help you talk it out even if all it does is make you more mad.

And try to find some sort of AS group in your area. Explain the situation. One of them may have some incredible insight to help you.

Good luck to you, but most all your son.

Last edited by kip on 18 Aug 2008, 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Re: the Meltdown

It was the only huge meltdown I think I've ever had. I knew she was coming over to take our 4yo swimming so I could get ready for the party. And I was actually mad at my husband, but I don't remember what, but then she said something that pissed me off too, I don't remember what either. And anyway my 4yo was just in underwear b/c I needed to do laundry, and I was pissed because my MIL keeps taking my son's clothes and keeping them at her house. That's why my son only has a few pairs of shorts here. Oh yeah, I think she said she had some clothes for him at her house, and then I became enraged because it really clicked that my MIL wants to kidnap my son.

So then I was flying around the house doing laundry and cleaning in meltdown mode. God was I pissed. Then MIL started cleaning my house!! ! I am extremely private about my house, my personal environment, as any Aspie can relate. Could she not see how absolutely pissed I was that she was there??? She kept getting in my way and talking to me like I'm a stupid kid. I think she was there at least 20 minutes. Touching all my stuff. Cleaning stuff wrong. I have never been so enraged.

I was finally able to spit out, "I can do this. I can do this." Then she left. Acting all offended.

And my husband is mad at me because I was rude to my MIL.

I am actually proud of how I handled this mega-meltdown. I did not yell, I did not hit anything, I did not swear, I did not throw anything, I did not break anything, I just cleaned really hard.

But I don't usually do any of those things anyway. Usually when I'm frustrated I just yell briefly. If I need to throw something, I go to a room by myself and throw something unbreakable like a stuffed toy or crumpled paper. I don't let my kids see me do it.

if she realy whants to kidnap your son then you can't ley you kid stay over at her i know that you try to prevent it but if she realy trys to take over your son she's gonna say bad things to him like "your mother has a desease that makes people dumber" or "i got as much candy if you like" or anything like that
also there gonna tell your son (in court) to say bad thing about you try to prevent that to

You really need some outside help with this. I can't help but think your husband/MIL and you are on two completely different wavelengths, and you really need a mediator to work out your differences. Call a family therapist ASAP and get this straightened out. Get some marriage counseling, get some marriage counseling, but make it work.

is talking to your husband an option? telling him how you feel, that you feel divorce is coming, you want to do what's best and are worried about custody-- have you been able to talk about any of this with him?

and i think you handled the meltdown very well.

Yeah, she does this already. She gives him anything he wants, is constantly feeding him junk food (and he has a weight problem because of it) and always encourages him to eat more and praises him for eating.

And my son came home the other day and said to me, "Grandma said she doesn't like it when you yell at me."

She absolutely refuses to enforce rules or boundaries. She tries to parent him over my head right in front of me. And gets all pissy if I overrule her.

I feel the most important thing is that my MIL no longer has access to my son. How to I keep him away from her? I deeply want joint custody, and my husband is a really good father, but he lets his mom parent our son.

Good post, kip, especially the part about not badmouthing dad and all that.

Remember though - accusations are just that. Accusations. Ubndocumented. Part of the reason kip's mom's drug charge was such an issue is that it was documented. It was a "charge". Careful what you say in emails and soforth. Watch your back.

"Get out of my house" is clearly not a reason to take someone's children away. Your husband should be respecting your wishes before you have to scream at someone.

Get a reputable lawyer. Do your research. Even if you have to take the only lawyer you can afford, get that lawyer. You'll need one. I thought I'd go it alone or mediate until I read my husband's divorce petition. Then I realized being fair was not how the game was played.

In the end, it will be all right. Better, maybe. Love your children and do what's best for them and you won't fail.

I have a pretty good job. I think I would financially be OK on my own. We own a house together, and I know we both have the right to stay in the house so long as it's jointly owned. But I don't really have my own car. I'll probably need to buy a car.

Hire a lawyer. Make sure that she's one of those feminista lawyers that can remove a man's genitals with a single glance. You know the kind I mean - the ones who make strong men look for the nearest exit, and weak men beg for mercy.

Then turn her loose with every shred of evidence and testmony that you and your children have been abused.

Best wishes!