Mixed Feelings

Post Reply New Topic

Tomorrow, at 8 o'clock, I go back to college. For so long I have been wanting to go back after a long and boring summer. But now that it is upon me, I am feeling old feelings I used to have. I used to resent the other students because of the bullying I went through all throughout school. While I don't hate them anymore and look at them as people that are no better or worse than I am, the thought of being around large amounts of them again is bringing back some of the hostile feeling I used to have. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just hated them quietly and for any reason I could think of. I took a vow never to conform to their standards because of that hatred. One thing that I probably hated the most was the fact that it was so easy for them to find dates yet I never could no matter how hard I tried. I have watched many guys merely show up and girls throw themselves all over them the moment they appear.

Anyway, what I'm feeling now is "Good god, I'm going to have to put up with 'them' again." The college I'm going to is a small college so the diversity in people is very small. It is full of preps and jocks (I hate to use labels but how else do you describe them?).

I did some inner digging to find a possible cause or solution to these feelings and I think I found the true source: fear. I am going to admit it, I am afraid and I think my mind is trying to mask that fear with the old hostility I used to have. I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to be hostile either. But I feel as though I am getting ready to go to war instead of college. I know I really have nothing to fear, what's the worst that could happen? But still.....

Well, I mostly made this thread to rant but I decided to make a thread about this so if anyone has any thoughts, feel free to post. I sort of need guidance any way. I know this isn't the way to be but I can't find any way out of this. I'm not going to let this stop me from going but I don't want to be miserable the whole time.

Edit: Screw it, there is no use in feeling this way. I'm just going to grit my teeth and bare it, I can't let them scare me and I certainly won't let their ridiculous standards stand in my way.

To be honest SF I think what your feeling is only natural (for an aspie) I’ve been through the same thing feeling just like you do, I was treated very badly at school by both teachers and peers and things didn't get a whole lot better at college.

College like work is yet another of those situations where your forced to socially interact and try to conform just because it makes your life so much easier, you effectively have to work twice as hard as the NT's and nobody is aware of your massive effort but you.

Nobody knew I has AS when I was at School or college because I didn't know myself, I hadn't been diagnosed in fact such a diagnosis wasn't even available when I started college so I had to deal with these feelings believing that it was all down to the fact I had been mistreated so much in the past it was like "here we go again then" ding ding round 3.

One of the things that made coping with college life a bit easier for me was that the head of my course allowed me to do some of the work at home. I don't know if this would be possible for you?
I pretty much kept myself to myself and tried to do the friendly outgoing act when I had too but inevitably I still ran into some problems, I once had a bit of a meltdown near a foreign girl who for some reason thought I was verbally attacking her, I was in fact only ranting about the course I was on not being run properly but I soon found myself in front of the course tutor having to explain why I attacked this girl when I wasn't even talking to her at all!! !

The only way I know of surviving these situations is to keep myself low key and try to appear friendly when it's required (like when I had to work with other students) and I managed to keep their curiosity about me at bay with a few little white lies and keeping any explanations as short as possible.
It's really not easy and I know exactly how you're feeling but you will get through it ok I did, I actually failed once and had to return later to complete my studies but I got there in the end.

Good luck

Thanks

I just got back from the only two classes I go to, I'm going part time and I only have three classes, the other one is online. It wasn't even close to being as bad as I thought. In fact, I think I'm going to love my Creative Writing class. Not only is it a chance to learn good writing skill for my career, but will also be a chance to write out my frustrations in a safe environment. I have been waiting for a chance to assault conformity and pop culture in a place like that and now I have it. He said we can say whatever we want but we should expect negative criticism and even heated arguments. I can't wait to see how people react to my views on society. I guess I'm just looking for a fight, but I need to get these frustrations out of me and possibly face confrontation if I am to truly get over them.