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I'm very depressed. What's new! Very cut-off. Don't have access to the same rights and benefits. I have someone who wants to work with me but at this point it might not be inaccurate to say I hate them. I don't want to work with someone who has abused, controlled, dominated, manipulated me... I'm still someplace I can't thrive or want to be. I could be pushed to that point and do harm to either myself or other. I would destroy all my artwork first because I know it would be stolen and used. My condition is so poor, I don't think I will ever be the same anyway. It has gone on too long. It's been 15 years now since I was swindled into coming here. The trauma, the breakdown was evident after day one. That was the whole purpose. To manipulate and control. To own. I won't be owned.

I wish I at least wanted to live but I don't think I do anymore. It's hopeless for me. All the disadvantages together, it's frightening. I have no one I can even trust. It's a life not worth living. I have hung on too long already. Even if I were transplanted to that other place, my condition is so poor it really wouldn't make any difference. I wanted to go to school. That's all I've ever wanted to do. The condition I'm in now, it's hard to say how that's even possible.

It's there at my finger-tips. If only I'd be willing to let this person continue to dominate and control me. I could have the prints and copies made, sell and make money and maybe over time go back to where I love and can thrive and by then maybe I will be going on 60 and can yet get that education I've been wanting all my life. Why bother! I couldn't let that person have the satisfaction, or benefit from me anymore. I'd rather die than allow that. Every interaction is only destructive to me.

I don't allow people to treat me with contempt. If they are unable to stop, then I dump them.

I have no one I can trust either. That's life, I think it's the same for everybody, they just pretend otherwise.

Contempt isn't what I was talking about at all.

"abused, controlled, dominated, manipulated me"... I regard that as contempt. I guess you don't.

No it wasn't contempt, anything but. It was a desire to own and possess. I get your point anyway so don't worry about it.

I made some strides between yesterday and today. Obtained ball-park prices and have an appointment on Friday to take the next step. Based on unit price, it seems very doable so I'm pleased about that. It's scary to put myself out there but I'm excited all at the same time. I went out last evening as well and drove around, which I haven't been able to venture doing for quite some time. I attribute progress to WP.

Thanks!

Since discovering autism, I do experience a measure of peace now. It helps to finally know and understand. Because of my economic background, I had to learn the hard way and make the discovery on my own. It was horrible really, but there are no regrets. It is what it is. You just have to accept it and move on. Take the best and leave the rest and focus on the positive as much as possible.

As profoundly autistic as I am, it's unfathomable how I was able to get through so much on my own without any real notice. There were no choices so I guess I had too. The group home I lived at when a child at least recognized something was wrong and sent me for a brain-scan. Unfortunately I was allergic to the dye they injected and went into anaphylactic shock right away. They had to pull me out almost immediately while giving injections of adrenoline. I was about 18 years old at that time. That was back in 1978 and not sure how much was understood or recognized with regard to autism. It would have been better had they been able to identify the problem and properly diagnose me then. I might have then been better protected from further abuses as an adult, though there would be no garantees there.

There are many regrets actually. Mostly in the area of education and vocation.