My partial auto biography of pain, anger, hate and sorrow

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My biological mother whom I hate and love at the same time did many different types of drugs while I was in the womb, alcohol, cigarettes and many illegal drugs. When I was born I had to be put in the incisive care unit from what I have been told by my adoptive parents however there are no details however I suspect the drugs messed me up and all that crap.

When I went home with my mother she didn't take care of me, for example if I soiled my diaper she would wait for over an hour to change my diaper. The neglect got worse she didn't talk to me, didn't care for me and so social services was called in. My adoptive parents came in and took over where she couldn't however social services kept putting me back with her. As I got older I started getting angry I would stay angry for a week after a visit, and then be sent back to her.

When I was nine months old I couldn't smile, couldn't turn over, I couldn't eat anything but a bottle, I show absolutely no emotion other than anger. My brother and sister worked with my along with my parents and slowly it got better but because I was going back and forth the progress only progressed so far. I don't remember it happening however my parents told me about one altercation where my mother choked me till my heart stopped beating, my dad told me that I told him that I told him I went to heaven and went to sit on Jesus' lap and I asked “why do I have to go back”?

After that happened things got much worse my mother married a convinced sex offender now remember back then their was some talk about child predators but not very much. Now social services did file a report about possible sexual abuse mind you I am around two to three at the time however they never did look into it. I can remember back around when I was three I remember seeing a baby getting his diaper changed and I was really curious about it (please don't ask why I can't remember) but I remember it being not just some innocent curiosity it was deeper than that and very much tainted.

Now when I was four I was adopted by my parents, I was really happy form what I am told I can't remember what happened during the adoption or right after it, but my parents say I was happy about it. I remember living in several different homes, and being happy but still suffering from being abused emotionally, physically, sexually, socially, and spiritually.

When I was 4 ½ my parents told me we were moving, I didn't like it one bit I was leaving my brother and sister behind both whom were grown along with my two best friends at the time who I cared about very deeply, I wish I could tell you their names but I have forgotten. My dad let me get a puppy form a family friend since my dog Cody had to be put down oh she was a beautiful chocolate chow mix and I loved on her as a way to cope.

We moved to NC and one of my first memories was pulling into the yard I was kinda amazed at all the green, I loved it and being a captain planet fan (still am) I wanted to protect it. Well we had to move in with my aunt whom everyone calls sis. I don't have any memories from that time except a brief memory sitting on her couch and looking down the hallway.

I remember being an angry child, it didn't take much to push me to the edge especially noise and I would go into rages like you wouldn't believe, it was like the energizer bunny had possessed me. I don't know how my parents dealt with me but they did.

We moved into our house and I remember one of the most traumatic events that happened to me when I was around five is my dog got bitten by a copper head, I was not mad at the snake I knew it was scared and defended itself I was sad that my dog was dying and my cousin says “yeah she is dead lets go play”. I was so upset here I was I was in agony my best friend was dying and in so much pain and was so insensitive to my feeling it crushed my heart, I cried for days.

Now around that time I started kindergarten and it was hell, everyone was so noisy and I couldn't stand it, I got so angry I went nuclear. I tore the entire class room up several times and then I was expelled they called me a brat, and so on but I was hurting and they wouldn't even try to see it from my point of view. I was put in a private school and I remember two incidents I was told since I acted liked baby I would spend the next week with the babies, which humiliated me and I didn't talk at all I just sat in the corner the other incident they had us drawing a tree and I wanted it to be perfect and I couldn't come close so I threw my pencil and paper down and ran off upset because it couldn't be perfect. I was then kicked out of that school and put in private school because my behavior was not acceptable.

I was put in public school which I hated, I didn't like the noise, all the people, the bathrooms, everything. I loved learning and I wanted to learn everything in fact by age 5 ½ I knew what plutonium was and that it was used to make nuclear bombs a weapon of mass destruction. However sadly for me all the new sights, sounds and people were to much for me I had meltdown after melt down, each time I got my rear spanked which hurt my feelings because I was hurting and they were hurting me for hurting and not being able to properly express myself.

I continued getting into trouble because of my odd and sometimes eccentric behaviors along with my sensitivity to routine changes and sound. From kindergarten to second grade I got my rear busted a lot and I always cried because I trust the adults to protect me and to keep me from harm and here their were hitting me because I was hurting so badly deep down inside.

Now around this time my cousin molested me he was eight or nine and I was seven or eight. I now had all my innocence stolen it was gone from that day forward I desired sex.


Anyways from third grade to fifth grade things did get better but I was still odd and now I had to chew everything an equal number of times all the time and everything had to be even even numbers, I couldn't stand odd numbers. While things did get better in terms of me controlling my temper things did not get better in terms of my treatment I was still spanked, and I was still emotionally hurt, and but now I was fighting back, now I had hurt people in the past out of frustration but now it was for revenge I would specifically target people who picked on me or had hurt me during the last blow up. I couldn't understand why justice seemed to help everyone but me so I decided if they won't help me I will make them pay.

One time a staff member restrained me and as I struggled to get lose since he was causing emotional pain because of my sensory issues with touch I non intently head butted him well they called the police and said I did it on purpose. I didn't and I tried to tell them that but they didn't listen to me I was innocent and they called me a lier that broke my heart. The sheriff deputy took me to juvenile hall where he used scare tactics on me, then took me to the county jail and locked me up in a cell for four hours then my parents came and got me. It was a horrifying experience to say the least because I didn't understand why I was being treated so badly.

I would like to clarify that when I went into a rage the only thing that stopped me was pure exhaustion, one time I fought the teachers and staff for six hours never giving up, I slept for over 18 hours in a row after that.

When I entered middle school everything just went upside down, I had to change class rooms, in seventh grade I started puberty (I was not happy about that), I lost all my friends so I was alone and lonely. I loved the work in middle school it was a lot of fun besides math class yuck I hated math class because they wouldn't let me do the math in my head. It was hard the noise problem was still present, I was still yelling at them to shut up, and I got sent to the principle often because I had many outbursts from my frustration. I hated it so much, I was always trying to be the best and no one ever took my feelings into consideration I guess they thought I was some spoiled brat. Slowly things started to change and people started to pick on me lot because I was different, and the teachers like always did nothing to help me.

Now when I entered high school things not only got thrown upside down but the rules changed as well. Since I was gay in high school I was always worried about getting beat up or killed by some homophobic prick. People picked on me a lot, I did have a couple of friends outcasts mainly, however I was not close with them because I didn't trust people I didn't trust them to treat me with respect. As things got worse I got depressed and it was a horrible feeling especially because I gained so much weight because of stress eating I hated my body I hated my life. One day I found out that my body had been violated, my most private body part my penis had been mutilated my foreskin had been ripped from the glans then cut off, I was so upset, I was plunged so far into sorrow, I was so angry I started cutting myself, my legs were constantly covered in blood it looked like I had been shot, my depression got much worse, I stated having suicidal thoughts constantly as well.

When I was 16 I was handcuffed put in the back of a police car and taken to a mental hospital. I was not happy I was very scared because all I knew about mental hospitals was what I saw on TV and movies. For the first three days I had a room mate, a guy who was pretty cute anyways they said on the fourth day I couldn't have a room mate because I was gay. I was so angry because it was discrimination, I was not allowed to have a room mate because I was attracted to guy but I was not allowed to have a female room mate because guys and girls alone in a room don't mix. I hated my stay at the mental hospital it was horrible, it really was, but I did make a few friends and together we made it through all their crap. Thank god the limit at that hospital is a two week stay then they get rid of you.

Several months later I was back in that same mental hospital, and again I was discriminated against because I identify as a homosexual. I made friends with a girl their I think her name was Anna anyways a week into my stay we started getting into fights and one was really really nasty. We were at lunch and cuss words started flying threatening gestures were used and so they sent me to my room, it was horrible. I was left there for around thirty minutes then a staff member came and asked me on a scale from one to ten how anger I was well like an idiot I answered honestly and said a ten. Well here comes ten people into my room they restrained me, pulled my pants down and inject me with god knows what well I was not having any of that so I bit one hard enough to bring blood and cussed them all out. They yanked my covers off my bed then tied me down to the bed face down and left me their for an hour. I was very angry, very hurt and very scared.

When I got home after that I was very upset I tried to commit suicide I took thirty vitamins which had a lethal dose of iron in them. I was in so much pain physical, and emotional I couldn't stand it anymore but I was afraid of dying. I told my mother what I did and she called her boss who is a doctor, we went to the hospital and he gave me charcoal to drink, it was black and tasted like well charcoal. I was not sent to the mental hospital however several months later I was sent to a group home.

When I was seventeen me and this guy I knew were sex however I didn't want to have anal sex and he did, I said no that I was not in the mood but he forced himself on me, my father was at home but he was outside doing yard work and I knew yelling would help me. It was horrifying but what hurt the most was when I told my parents I had been raped by him they didn't believe me.

When I got to the group home I was nervous, I was scared and I was afraid. My stay at the group home lasted a year and a half, I was verbally abused, constantly by one particular staff member, I got in argument with the other three guys ever so often. While I was at the group home I started having an adverse reaction to one of the drugs it was on called Geodon, it caused all my muscles in my body to weaken, I lost control of my bladder at night, I constantly wet myself during the day, I looked like I was high in the mornings I even had people ask me to sell them some, my hands turned in towards my chest, my tongue stuck out of my mouth, I couldn't hold my upper body it leaned to the right and I developed scoliosis because of the constant strain. The staff took me to the doctor who said nothing was wrong I was normal and sent me on my way, my parents would have none of that absolutely none of that at all, they took me to neurologist who had me tested me extensively. She said that I was having an adverse reaction to the drug and I needed to be taken off immediately because the drug could kill me.

Things did start getting better until I got sick oh lord did I get sick, I diarrhea and was puking non-stop. Now at five in the morning they got me up I was sick, I was tired and weak and told me I was going to walk to the bus stop with the two other guys who were going to school. It was cold out, and all I wanted to do was get back in bed and sleep, well when we got their I puked and crapped all over myself, I was so humiliated. When I got better I was very angry at how they treated me when I was sick, here I was sick and they made me walk 300 yards it cold as hell.

Generally things got better but then, my friend Connie died from cancer, then I found out my friend Sheerly committed suicide, then to top things off another home opened up. Now their was another when I got their which had 12-15 year olds every single one annoying as hell, but this new group home would have 5-8 year olds which really pissed me off. The 12-15 year olds already got under my skin now I had to deal with little kids as well. Their was a silver lining I only had to see them once a month for group therapy which was a relief. Now things went along pretty good minus a few episodes where one of the younger kids go in trouble and I had to give up a few extra hours so we could have emergency group sessions.


After I left the group home things got much better, I am still living with my parents but I still have a lot of work to do to move on beyond my past. Only one major thing happened a old friend of mine who I had known for ten years died from breast cancer, she was very nice and I felt bad when she went home to be with god.



I feel so angry and sad all this happened some of this stuff I can't get over like my circumcions I won't ever get over that they took a part of me away and I can't get it back I like helping to prevent this crap from happening to other people through advocacy it helps numb my constant agony and torment, but I feel I can never do enough, the pain from not feeling like I can't do enough is worse than the pain from my past, because I don't want others to go through any of the stuff I do it breaks my heart thinking people go through this crap.